live and learn and never forget it.

Marley felt heavy as she walked away with her mom. Every times she did have Millie around, letting her leave got harder, a feeling Marley had been trying to shake ever since the band got big. She wanted to turn around and give Kitty some sort of comforting look, or even a thank you for sitting with them at all, but she couldn’t. Marley felt so drained, her mom’s mini lecture at breakfast hadn’t helped, so she wasn’t sure her look would convey anything but the minor panic that was living in her stomach.

“She’s nice,” Millie smiled as they were walking. Marley just nodded. “I’m only saying because the media’s made her seem a little…” Millie’s train of thought was interrupted by Kitty’s presence once again and Marley turned around, confused. Did they forget something?

Marley could tell Kitty was out of breath, had she just ran? Her brows furrowed and she stiffened, if that were possible with how stiff she’d already felt, anyway. Then everything happened in a haze. Kitty was introducing herself, as if it were needed, she was telling Millie that they were dating, she was talking about love… Millie handled the confrontation better than Marley did. Because Marley was WAY behind on the ability to process anything. What with Kitty being so reluctant to even tell Rachel for a while, with the avoidance all week, with being in a hotel where there wasn’t necessarily complete privacy.

“Well that wasn’t too hard, was it?” Millie joked, almost like she’d already known or something, but Marley wasn’t going to question it. “I get it,” her mom smiled, “She’s cute,” she said to Marley. Marley who was still standing there unwavering. “A little short, but I get it, Mars…”

Was that supposed to be a joke? Marley couldn’t tell.

Her mom went over and whispered something into Kitty’s ear, then said something about giving them a second while she headed out. Marley still wasn’t sure how to move. Mostly she hoped whatever her mom said hadn’t been about the humpty hump.

“So. You did that.” Marley finally said once her mom had walked away. Was she supposed to mention that thing about love? She couldn’t kiss her, like she wanted to, especially since words escaped her so much in that moment, but she did grab Kitty by the shoulders to pull her into a tight hug.

“Thank you,” she whispered into the smaller girl’s neck. It wasn’t her thing to tell, which is why Marley didn’t, but the relief of Kitty doing it made her feel lighter, less heavy. Before standing back up and removing herself from the hug she knew was lingering, Marley pressed a quick kiss to Kitty’s cheek. Friend’s did that, right? If people were watching them, that was acceptable? Marley barely cared.

Pulling away fully, Marley realized she was smiling. She pulled her lips in tight and started walking backwards, wishing she could just stay or drag Kitty back to their room, but she knew she couldn’t.

“I’ll be back,” Marley waved and turned around to walk away, but only got a few steps before turning back around and mouthing ‘I might love you too’ before turning back around to pull her beanie down a little further like it would hide her blush.

Kitty was sure her heart had stopped beating at one point and her whole body felt ice-cold from fear as she waited for an answer. Why wasn’t she saying anything? Even something bad would be better than utter silence! It seemed to take an infinity for Millie to say anything until, finally, blissfully, she spoke. 

And she kind of sounded like she had figured it out.

Kitty wasn’t sure what to think. Her shoulders relaxed forward in relief, but her face was still stunned and nervous as she tried to figure out what Marley’s mom - her girlfriend’s mom - thought about all of this. Did she want an answer to that? Kitty opened her mouth, but ended up not saying anything as Millie turned to her daughter.

Okay, hearing someone call her cute was kind of nice and made her relax a bit more. And being called short snapped her back almost to her usual self. “I’m the perfect size,” Kitty said, a bit of her usual Wilde snark coming out, though it was slightly softened by a smile she wore. Had this actually gone...well?

Millie came forward and Kitty tensed again as the woman wrapped her arms around her in a brief hug. What? Kitty lightly pat her back after a moment and then the woman moved her mouth towards Kitty’s ear. “Keep an eye on her, okay?” Kitty nodded and Millie added, “Thank you for telling me.” Kitty nodded again and Millie stepped back, soon leaving the two of them alone.

“Yeah...yeah, I did.” Before Kitty could react past that and a shocked, short laugh, she was pulled into another hug. Kitty, getting up on her tiptoes, wrapped her arms back around Marley in return. As scary as all of that had been, feeling Marley actually relaxed against her for the first time in weeks made it worth it. The smile and relief was obvious in her voice and in her body language, and she was glad she had done something that made her so happy.

After a quick kiss to her cheek, it was Marley’s turn to pull away, though Kitty resisted for a split second. She brought a hand to her cheek for a moment before dropping her hand immediately; anyone watching would make that seem much more romantic than they needed to be seen right then. Telling Marley’s mom was one thing, but telling the whole world wasn’t really something she was ready for. At all.

“Okay,” Kitty said to Marley as she watched her go. Only seconds later, Marley turned back and mouthed words that made Kitty’s heart flutter and her face, rather reluctantly, split into a smile. Kitty continued to watch them leave with a smile, her face only dropping once they were out of sight.

Kitty’s soft ‘Oh’ felt a bit like a dagger to Rachel’s heart. She’d not only let herself down, but her best friend as well. Rachel wished she could go all about it differently now, but there was no way to fix what was done. All they could do was move forward, and the only way that could happen was with Rachel being honest.

“I don’t know what it is. Or what exactly triggers the attacks. One moment I’m perfectly fine and the next I can’t breathe, or I can’t feel my face or legs. It’s all out of my control, and I hate it.” Tears stung the backs of Rachel’s eyes, but her rapid blinks did nothing to keep them at bay. They soon pooled and eventually tracked down her cheeks, but Rachel made no move to wipe them away. 

She was a planner. From the time she could hold a crayon in her fist and write out her goals, Rachel planned. She planned her life’s dreams, she planned out her days, her excursions, many of their songs, their setlists. She controlled all aspects of her life that she could, and to have that simply ripped from her with no warning–

“It’s embarrassing. I’ve performed all my life and suddenly now I can’t hack it without breaking down? I didn’t want to worry you or Sam. I didn’t want you to have to hover or take care of me or be afraid that I would lose it while on stage. But I haven’t enjoyed hiding this from you.” Guilt surged again as Rachel’s vision tinted green around the edges. “And I’ve thought about telling you for weeks now, but you’ve always been…preoccupied. First with Katrina and now with Marley. 

“And please don’t misunderstand me, Kit,” Rachel was quick to adamantly impress upon Kitty that she wanted nothing but the best for her. “I’m so happy for you, that you’ve taken this step toward being a more authentic you, and that you and Marley are figuring out how you fit together. But I’ve missed you. And the time we have spent together, I didn’t want it to be weighed down by all of this mess,” Rachel motioned to herself. “And yes. Quinn connected me with her therapist.”

Kitty listened carefully as Rachel explained her panic attacks and felt frozen to the spot. How did something like that even develop? Kitty felt like she should’ve known the answer, but then Rachel was crying and she just felt paralyzed. How could she help her best friend when she hadn’t even realized it had all happened? How had she been so blind that it had gotten to this point? Kitty wasn’t even sure a hug would do her any good, and she ended up just watching Rachel for a moment. “Rachel - ”

Rachel cut off Kitty’s quiet words, which was probably for the best, since Kitty didn’t even know what to say. Apparently Rachel did, however, and she definitely stopped holding back. Rachel had always been one to speak a lot. Kitty was just about to tell her that it had nothing to do with her talents or anything, but then Rachel was bringing up how Kitty was preoccupied, which, yeah, she knew, and she felt awful for that. Knowing that Marley was part of why she hadn’t seen this or known anything made her stomach twist.

Even though Rachel made it clear that she was happy for her and didn’t think it was bad or anything, Kitty felt her eyes start to sting again. She always joked about being a bad person, but she had always thought that she was at least a good friend. Now she wasn’t so sure what to think. 

Things were quiet for a moment as Kitty tried to gather her thoughts. She pursed her lips in thought as she tried to figure out what to address in all of what Rachel said. There was a lot she wanted to say, but she ended up going with the first thing on her mind.

The beginning. 

Rachel stared at her hands, fingers twisting. That was part of the problem, wasn’t it? The beginning. Rachel didn’t know where all this began, because if she did, than perhaps she could fix whatever it was that set all this into motion. She just knew when the first wave of panic knocked into her out of nowhere, caused to to sink, unmoving, to the bathroom stall floor until Quinn had found her.

“Back in…in December,” Rachel sighed and frowned. She was disappointed in herself that she hid such an impactful part of her life from her best friend, from the person that knew her best, for so long. “Remember when we were doing all the tour prep and the practice for the Jingle Ball?” Pausing for a moment to buy herself additional time, even it was just mere seconds, Rachel inhaled a deep breath. 

She knew she wasn’t alone in this, not with her best friend sitting across from her, but Rachel had gotten so used to Sabrina strong presence, and Quinn’s understanding and kindness, that she almost wished that one of them were here. Maybe Quinn, because maybe she’d let Rachel hold her hand for strength. With another fortifying breath, Rachel finally looked up to meet Kitty’s eyes and admit, “I had a panic attack.” Another pause. “And Quinn found me. And-and, Sabrina knows, too.” Rachel’s voice wavered, breaking a bit under the weight of guilt. “I’m sorry I’ve taken so long to tell you.”

Kitty paid special attention to Rachel’s hands as they twisted up on themselves, which just worried her more. If Rachel had to think that much and was anxious just to tell her about what was happening, what could Kitty do to help her? What if this had been going on for years and she just never knew it? 

Thankfully Rachel finally answered and at least it wasn’t a years-long thing. But four months? That was still a long time. “Oh,” Kitty said softly, since she felt like she had to say something but she didn’t know what. She tried to think back on that time, but it seemed so long ago. So much had changed since then, from her understanding of her own feelings to her relationships on the tour to, well, everything. Did she notice Rachel acting weird, or was Rachel just such a great actress she still hadn’t realized? She couldn’t really remember any of it.

Kitty looked right back at Rachel as she finally looked up at her. Kitty’s eyebrows pressed together in concern at the words panic attack. She could remember all the symptoms she had read in her textbooks - dizziness, trouble breathing, nausea, all of that - and thinking of all of that, how Rachel of all people, her best friend and rock and everything, had to deal with that made her want to cry. 

Kitty’s eyes looked down at her lap as she blinked fast, which was kind of difficult with all the mascara the TV station had put on her for their performance. She felt a small sting when Rachel explained that Quinn knew, too. Even if it wasn’t her business to say so, how could Quinn have kept that a secret from her? Why would she? Why would Rachel? She wanted to ask that so badly and know what she might’ve done wrong, what she did to make Rachel think she couldn’t understand or something, but she knew it wouldn’t help to ask it right then. Rachel was obviously, well, anxious enough.

Getting up early used to be one of Marley’s most hated activities in the world, but the past week, getting up before Kitty or sneaking out of bed in general almost became a habit of self preservation. After all, in bed was almost the only time she’d seen her girlfriend all week. Secret girlfriend. But that was an entirely different concern on Marley’s mind, even despite understanding all motivation behind not telling people. It was wearing on her relationship with her mom, though. Not that she’d tell Kitty that, either.

So she got up, slipped on a hoodie and a beanie over the sweatpants she slept in, and left to meet her mom downstairs for breakfast. Breakfast Millie started lecturing Marley on the moment they’d gotten downstairs. Millie had her hand on top of Marley’s and was talking, not that Marley was hearing anything.  She sighed and made a point to take a big bite of her toast while her mom kept talking. Marley caught bits and pieces.

“And think about the clinic once this tour is over.”

“Taking care of yourself is important.”

“Whoever this girl is will understand.”

“You need to make up with Norah, Mars.”

Flying Millie here was supposed to make Marley feel better, not a million times more anxious. She was half sure the tour wouldn’t even end up being something she’d finish, but she couldn’t tell her mom that. Marley had learned over the week that there were a lot of things she couldn’t tell her mom about and it was a lot different than it used to feel.

Marley caught sight of Kitty as soon as she walked into the room and took her hand away from her mom’s to offer the smaller girl a wave. Marley knew she’d leave without saying anything, go to the gym, and hopefully not ignore her anymore now that Millie was leaving. She let out a deep sigh, her mom gave her a look. Marley just shook her head.

“And for the love of family, talk to your cousin, Marley. I haven’t seen you two interact the entirety of this trip and if there’s anything for me to worry about, it’s that. And do it…”

“Do what?” Marley quirked an eyebrow, and her mom wiggled hers.

“That humpty hump… or whatever the equality of the girl version…”

“Mom!”

Getting ready to rant was cut off by Kitty’s presence; Marley would have to thank her for that later.

“Nebraska’s missing a lot without me around, gotta get back sometime,” Millie tapped her stomach and Marley winced a little, “And a little more without Mars around too, but we’re dealing.” Marley would have described the last week as anything but fun, she knew her mom would handle the talking, though, she always did. “Ain’t the last of me you’re seeing though, I’m sure.” Millie grinned and Marley forced one as well, checking her phone quickly.

“The car’s here.” She couldn’t tell if she was relieved or not. As hard as having her mom there for all her brutal honestly was, Millie leaving meant taking a small part of Marley’s heart, too. Without looking at Kitty, Marley grabbed both her plate, still full of breakfast, and her mom’s empty one and trashed them, linking her arm with her mom’s once back at the table. “Come on, the airports crazy, don’t wanna be late.”

When Kitty sat down, Marley looked a bit relieved, which made her feel a bit better. At least Marley wasn’t upset at her presence despite how much Kitty wanted to stay in the closet around everyone else. She gave her a small smile before turning to Marley’s mom. She could actually be quite charming with parents and adults when she wanted to be, but she had been avoiding Millie for the most part, too. Hopefully she could at least charm her a little before she left, so when she was ready to come out, Millie wouldn’t hate her or anything.

Well, if Marley still had any interest in her by that point.

Kitty glanced at Marley quickly when her mom joked a bit about her weight. Was she supposed to laugh? Marley didn’t seem to think it was that funny, but Millie seemed amused enough, so Kitty laughed quietly. “Of course,” Kitty said brightly. She really did hope to see her again, and hopefully still as Marley’s girlfriend. Maybe even actually “out” that time. “It’ll be nice to have you back. Having a mom around is nice, even if it’s not our own.” Especially when it wasn’t her own, actually. 

Soon Marley announced that the car was there and Kitty quickly finished her coffee. She didn’t plan on staying any longer by herself. As Marley trashed their breakfast plates, Kitty couldn’t help but notice Marley’s plate was still full. She’d have to try to get her to eat more at lunch, but without being too “motherly”. Kitty pursed her lips; she wasn’t sure how to help without either being too mean or too nice/in therapist mode, in a way that felt a bit unnatural and stilted. That was just another thing she had to work on. 

“Have a safe trip!” Kitty said as Millie and Marley started to leave. Kitty watched them for a moment, her mind racing. While Marley had said it was fine to not tell her mom, Kitty knew she wasn’t completely happy with it. Between the hard time Marley was going through and the fact that Marley was mad at Norah and Kat about honesty, Kitty knew she wasn’t too fond of hiding it from her mom.

And then another thought hit Kitty; why did it matter if Millie knew? Especially now that she was leaving? She wouldn’t be forced to try to appear as the perfect girlfriend, but she could still show Millie that her daughter was in good hands, especially since Marley was on the outs with a lot of people. Maybe she even suspected, since they were sharing a room and everything, right?

Kitty bit her lip and, without thinking it through, Kitty jumped up and ran over to the two of them. “Wait,” Kitty said. As they turned around, Kitty’s heart hammered wildly in her chest, and it definitely wasn’t because she had sprinted across the room.

“Miss Rose, as you know, my name’s Kitty Wilde, and...” Kitty swallowed and said the words she had only typed before. “I’m dating your daughter.” She smiled nervously, her eyes darting over to Marley. “I’ve been crazy about her since I first heard her sing. And I think I’m falling in love with her...if I’m not already there yet.” She smiled at Marley for a moment, until what she admitted sinked in. Had she actually said that? There was a large sense of relief at admitting it, but also a sense of fear as she waited for a response. Kitty’s eyes widened and she looked back at Millie as her blood ran cold. 

Scheduling a time to talk to Kitty about everything Rachel had kept secret did nothing to help sooth Rachel’s near-constant frazzled nerves. She’d leaned heavily upon her professional training, putting on brave masks and smiles, while also getting caught up in anyone’s drama that wasn’t her own. It was so much easier for Rachel to focus on other’s issues and just allow her own demons to float back into dark recesses. At least for a little while. 

Rachel felt out of sorts since since their San Francisco concerts, and then the flight overseas, but having the time to explore London and adjust to the time difference, to simply relax, had helped. But then there was the interview and photoshoot, and Rachel’s still not sure what went wrong. They were testing the lighting again, and maybe it was the flashing, or the worry about what might be asked during the next break, or what other members of the tour were saying, or what was scribbled down in the notebook each time Rachel provided an answer. But suddenly it was as if the edges of Rachel’s vision had been dipped in ink and then the room started to spin. Rachel assumed it was only self-survival and preservation forcing her body to auto-pilot her to the privacy of single-use bathroom for an attack that lasted forty-some minutes but felt like hours for her. 

And Rachel didn’t know where to start with Kitty. How she could explain to her best friend that she’d been hiding something that could affect everything when they’d never kept things from each other in the past. Rachel felt as if she had broken some unspoken code between them, some best friend bond, and she was so worried that Kitty would think it was because Rachel didn’t trust her, when it was nothing of the sort. So after they done their performances on Adam Crawford’s morning show and then broken away from the rest of the girls, the first thing Rachel did was throw her arms around her best friend in a fierce hug.

Finding out that Rachel was dealing with anxiety shook Kitty to the core. The diagnosis didn’t surprise her, though, not really. After she found out, she connected the dots and realized that it explained a lot of her weird behavior - her random disappearances, her hushed conversations with Sabrina, everything. Hindsight’s 20/20, right? 

What shook her was how she didn’t realize it sooner. She knew Rachel had been acting a bit off, but between talking about her sexuality and Marley and the tour and Marley and music and even more Marley, Kitty had just missed all of it. She felt like a shitty friend, which, well, she was a lot of the time. She knew that. But between not not knowing how to help Marley and not even realizing how Rachel was doing, Kitty just felt like an awful person in general. Which, yes, she was used to, but normally not with them. At least not with Rachel.

Kitty was glad Rachel decided to talk this over in person. She wanted to be there for her; Rachel had always been there for her, and Kitty knew it was more than her time to be there in response. So after the show with Adam Crawford - who she definitely called the poor man’s James Corden to his face, which he seemed to appreciate - Kitty and Rachel broke off from the rest of the group.

Much to Kitty’s surprise, Rachel threw her arms around her first thing. Between this and Norah, Kitty was dealing with a lot more emotion than she had planned. But Kitty immediately wrapped her arms back around Rachel and closed her eyes tightly, just holding her for a long time. As much as Kitty loved being with Marley in their room, she had missed being around Rachel. 

After a while, Kitty gently broke out of Rachel’s arms and gently walked her over to sit. “Let’s start from the beginning,” Kitty said carefully as she sat down across from her. “I promise I’m listening and I’m here for you.”