Healing with Kindness and Forgiveness
I'm going to make a sweeping statement and say that not one person on this planet has been able to avoid the healing process for some form of emotional or psychological painâŚ. Myself included.
After several attempts of trying to get life right and learning to heal following painful situations, I am going to make another sweeping statement and say that I have cracked the code of healing.
My code to healing consists of KINDNESS⌠(the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate) and FORGIVENESS (the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven). These concepts are then applied as follows:
Be kind and forgive yourself.
Be kind and forgive the person or thing that caused you pain.
Be kind to those around you.
So let me explain:
Be Kind and Forgive Yourself
Itâs so easy to fall into the mindset of âI should have seen this comingâ or âThe signs were there and I should have done something soonerâ. Hindsight (understanding of a situation or event only after it has happened or developed) is a wonderful thing however, as per the definition, is only available AFTER the fact. During the time leading up to the pain, you were acting with best intentions. You wanted to love the person with all the red flags. You wanted to be good to someone even if they weren't good to you. You stuck around to see if things would change. You tried your best to make it work. Notice how all the things you tried to do are positive things?
An old saying that sticks with me is that âI have never been hurt by an enemyâ. It is a fair and reasonable statement to say that the person who hurt you, was someone you CARED for. I'm sure you wouldn't be hurt if you were expecting them to act in malice or didnât care for them anyway.
Whatever pain you have experienced will require healing and when you have been wounded, you need to take a step back and forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for not acting sooner, after all, you wanted to see if there was good in the person/situation. You did not act in malice and you loved the person so much that you trusted them not to hurt you. While you are forgiving yourself, be kind to yourself. Do the things that fill your heart cup. Take time off work to rest and sleep if you need it. Speak to those around you so you can set an expectation of them not expecting more from you. Do things that will release endorphins such as running, laughing (even if you don't feel like it)... even having sex will do the trick!! Aside from healing your heart and soul, on a scientific level, releasing endorphins acts as a painkiller and WILL boost your mood. Do the things that are good for your soul while accepting what has happened and forgiving yourself for what you believe were your shortcomings.
Be Kind to the Person or Thing that Hurt You
Now this one seems counterintuitive I know. The common narrative is often âThey hurt me, I want to hurt themâ. If we allow this narrative to win though, there can be some awful consequences. Revenge might seem sweet, but it's a dish best served cold and will not keep you warm at night.
Now don't get me wrong, Iâm not asking you to forgive the person for themâŚ. Chances are (especially if you're dealing with a narcissist) they don't even think they did anything wrong. Iâm asking you to forgive them for you. After all this is your healing journey.
I heard a saying that âholding onto hate (or any negative emotion for someone) is like drinking the poison and expecting them to dieâ. Holding toxic emotions, hatred, resentment, distaste⌠is holding that toxicity within you. Again, they might not even think they did anything wrong so they don't care that you feel that way, so why keep allowing yourself to feel that way. You have just been hurt, you have an open wound you are trying to heal from and by holding onto toxic emotions, you are only adding salt to that wound and preventing it from healing.
Even Jesus said at his crucifixion âforgive them Father for they know not what they doâ. To hate is human, to forgive is divine⌠start being divine and work towards removing toxicity from your wound. Show them the kindness of being forgiven even if they don't think they deserve it. No need to go out of your way for them, but don't show animosity, that shit is toxic. Show them the kindness of not reacting to their actions, not because they deserve it, but because you are a better person than to hold on to the pain that they inflicted.
Show Kindness to Those Around You
Iâm going to just come out and say it⌠people are WEIRD! We want to show charity, we want to help others but when someone tries to show it back, we don't accept it. You expect others to accept your charity but you won't accept the charity being given to youâŚ. Think about that concept for a minute.
When people say things like âyou don't have to go through things aloneâ, stop taking it as lip service. Stop trying to be a hero and get through your pain on your own. When you break your leg, you go and see a doctor. When you cut yourself and you cant put on a band aid, you ask someone to help you. Why are unseen wounds treated differently?
This actually works well for the other person who you presumably care about since they are offering up their time and energy for you. When someone offers assistance, they are doing this out of kindness to you. Why not show them the kindness of validation and ALLOW them to help you.
Humans are pack animals. We operate as a community. We raise each other's children and support each other in education, medicine and so many other ways. Why do we push back on our âpackâ when we are emotionally or psychologically in need?
If someone offers you their presence, try and take it. Let them come over with a pot of tea or to sit in your space if you feel comfortable to do so.
If someone offers you their time and a listening ear, take it to get things off your mind.
If someone offers you sound advice, try and consider it.
A person in need of first aid is never going to say âno thank you, I will stitch myself upâ so why do we as humans knock back someone wanting to help with our emotional or psychological wounds? Lets change this narrative too, even if you don't feel like it at the time. Let's change it from âI don't want to be a burdenâ to âI need this person's help to healâ. Set your boundaries as to what you are comfortable in discussing/doing but allow someone who has offered you the charity of kindness to make good on their offer.
So there you have it, 36 years of challenges, adversity, pain, wounds and scars summarised into 3 points that create a strong foundation for healing our pain. Are they easy to adopt, God no! We have to unlearn a bunch of things to be able to enact some of these principles. Do they work when they are adopted, in my opinion, absolutely. This is my method to healing, tried and tested by myself. I sincerely hope that they work for you too.















