#nojudgement

Who might be interested in some fwb?

HMU

I went on a 6km jog today to get into my zone 2 cardio.

i didn't have much thoughts coming up. when i run, my body is usually empty and free. the only thought that came in was my coming back to write on tumblr. this is mainly because i feel like i need

a corner of internet free from performance

free from everyone else i know in real life

maybe someone i know will find my voice here, but at least i don't care. it's not like substack where they literally get me in their inbox. i mean, it's not a bad thing but substack gives this energy of

oOooh HeyyY i'm a NEWWssLETTER!!!! I need to tell people in 2-3 sentences what this sub is about.

Fuck that, I wanna be weird wild and free. and this is where i can be.

I want to use tumblr as a place where i blog all my crazy self-development process shit. it's nothing special, it's just me. part of the universe's sauce. i don't vibe with my current tumblr username right now, but something else will come up.

Life Update: Wedding!!

I am getting married in less than 10 days. HOLY SHIT holyshit HOLYSHIT. HoLLLYYYYY.

I don't think anyone knows how beautiful this feels until it's going to be "the DAY!". Wait actually, y'all brides know how this feel. I mean i used to hate attention but building up to this, i'm like wow. it's damn healing. cause i'm facing all my god damn wounds.

First it's like the Sacral wound of feeling guilty spending on pleasure. I didn't want to spend on a makeup artist, or food, or music. Why host a party. Then I'm like, how many times in my life am I gonna do this? This better be my most authentic expression -- not from fear and lack!!!

Second, I opened my heart and invited more friends than I thought I would. Needless to say, me feeling extremly comfortable to vomit my life on tumblr says I don't have that much real-life friends. Joking. Joking, that's a racist statement against all tumblrist. But hey, on my side, I do have friends, I just like internet and cookies more.

I DO HAVE FRIENDS. I just feel like maybe they don't get me, or I have this private side of my life no one has access to. Or i'm just too lazy to share it with them. Anyways, this deserves another vomit post on its own. I love friends, I guess I'm just too comfortable at home + hanging out with my family. Inviting many friends to the wedding is a big step for me. However, I still kept my standards high of who I want here. Just because we were friends in highschool doesn't mean I have the desire to see you!!

Third, I get to watch my anxiety run wild. That's enough.

Today I caught myself dipping because one of my help was in anxious terrible mood. Then I was like Woah WooOAHh IS THIS MINE OR SOMEONE ELSE? BITCH! it ain't mtherfkcing mine! I even wrote a depresso excerpt in my journal! Then I went for a run, and this thought to write on tumblr came.

I feel like everyone needs a medium of expression and it shouldn't be censored or judged by social media. For kids growing up in surveillance culture, expression has been censored / watched / danger. What if this is the real cause of depression?

Hold up imma drink my chamomile tea.

I even debated with my higherself during the run Y CANT I DO A VIDEO!!?!!? Honestly, idk. It never works. I always feel like I'm performing. it doesn't feel natural. maybe I need to move my body like do Yin and shit. For expressing ideas, I love writing.

This is the corner of the internet that I don't have to be anyone. Be no one. Be free. and just be me, Yay!

I remember when I was on substack I really wanted people to subscribe.

It was chasing for results, I don't know why I need to be heard so badly. Like I don't care now. I don't know what changed but I'm really okay feeling unheard, unseen and unrecognized. I think I project this alot on to Chris. Sometimes i feel like he doesn't see me, (he feels the same way too), but like. It's just how I feel about myself probably.

Coming on tumblr makes me feel less obligated to do anything. This feels like self-love, like I'm finally making space for myself to express in some mtfkcing way

Stop Scrolling. Read This First. 👇

A little reminder for everyone today... 💭

Before you judge someone, take a good look in the mirror. We all have flaws, and that's okay! True power comes from focusing on your own path. 💫

Tap here to see The Full Story and more inspiring thoughts.

Aftercare is the time when participants should feel cared for post-coitus. It's meant to create a safe space with the person you've just had this intimate experience.

today was less than stellar if I'm being honest. I couldn't help but feel mono-toned and like I couldn't shake the feeling when you're about to cry; and the back of your throat gets all scrunchy and weird. My patients kept asking me if I was okay which mad eye choke uo even more because I physically couldn't form the words to lie. I was very short all day and just replied "no" or "im okay".

I just can't understand what is wrong. The. last time I felt this was I ended up hospitalized and I had to go to group therapy 5 days a week for 6 hours a day. I cannot say I hate therapy but I'd rather not have to take another dramatic hiatus.

The only thing to actually cheer me up was that today is my dog, Jax's 10th birthday. I made him. cake last nigh that was dog friendly of course. It didn't smell terrible! I mixed together some peanut butter, canned pumpkin, honey, flour and baking soda! I frosted the cake with vanilla yogurt and he was a very happy boy.

I'm still deciding whether or not I want to call out tomorrow, what do you think?? I've already taken my anxiety medication for the night and if I'm still feeling like this in the morning, I can be an adult and let them know I need a mental health day. Maybe I can finish a book or I can just journal and cry. I'll decide when I. get there I guess.

Maybe New Hampshire will surprise me with another 4 inches of snow. We got around 5 inches today and the roads were a mess. My roommate, Angel, told me the highway was a parking lot littered with accidents and flashing hazard lights. Praying for everyone to get home safe but also praying it gets worse so I can stay home tomorrow.

Thanks for the rant