Taylor.

“Why can't I be good enough for her?"

“I just want a mom"

As I hear these words at 2 am, seeing a reflection of myself in my younger sister who sits across from me, my heart breaks all over again. It breaks the way it did the first time I heard my mother cry, the first time I watched her be abused, the first time I saw her take drugs, to the last time I believed she would stop, and every single time in between. With every word and cry I feel all of the times that I have cried myself to sleep for these very same reasons. Every time that these thoughts have driven me to the point of believing my worth somehow laid in them.

After years of therapy this is the first time i've heard those words in so long; And certainly the first time from another persons mouth. That alone kills me.

For months now i've planned to write about my mom, but the pain in my sister's voice tonight made me realize that I cannot continue to wait. After all, the value in the present moment and our time here is something that I should be so much more grateful for as someone who has loved an addict.

So, here it is.

Here is what i've learned from loving an addict.

When you love an addict, that is truly all there is to it. That you love an addict. You may love the person that this addiction has taken from you, but they are no longer here. You will find remnants of them left behind, sometimes showing up in a familiar laugh or staring back at you through sober eyes that are almost never there. These moments will never stay very long and you will never know when they are coming back. The anticipation will nearly kill you.

You constantly question yourself. Whether you are questioning your own sanity or your ability to help theirs, the doubt and confusion is never ending. Lies will become all that you hear and the ability to detect them will become second nature. You will still hope you are wrong sometimes.

Life seems so unfair. My sister said to me “it’s not fair. I just want a mom”. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve thought this to myself. This goes beyond the cliche “life is unfair sometimes.” It truly is not fair. It is not fair that our childhood was taken from us. That we have lived all of our accomplishments thus far without a mom to genuinely express how proud she is. That our lowest points have been experienced alone. But when you love an addict you cannot let yourself get caught up in those thoughts. You can acknowledge them and feel them every so often but you must rise above them. Take the challenges you are faced with and instead of letting them discourage you, let them push you to work even harder.

Jealousy will sometimes overcome you. When I was younger I was so envious of all of my friends. Every child I saw with their mother. Even to this day I will find myself wishing that I had a mother like those of my closest friends, always hoping that they realize just how lucky they are. Jealousy will creep in and resentment can become so strong if you don’t keep yourself in check. Its okay to be envious and it’s okay to feel cheated at times, but you must come out a stronger person.

You know loss, and you know it well. The line that struck me most when my sister and I were talking was “I feel like she’s dead but she’s still alive.” This is a feelings that only someone who knows or loves an addict can understand. Imagine looking into someone’s eyes and seeing no life. Finding them halfway there after days of not coming home. Calling days on days on end with no idea where they are. Talking to them and getting no response or no responses that make any sense. It is exhausting. It is confusing and conflicting. It is one of the hardest parts.

You will want someone who isn’t here anymore. You are forced to detach yourself because attachment only hurts more.

If you love an addict please do not lose your ability to love yourself. Know that you are doing everything you can and more. Sometimes doing nothing is all that you can do.

Addiction is a disease and you cannot change someone who does not want to change themselves. It has nothing to do with you.

They love you, trust me, they just do not know how to.

Lastly, do not let this love set a precedent for that of any other. You will find people in life who love you with every ounce of their being just because they want to. You will live a life so full and beautiful and one day this pain will be nothing but a lesson. You will know loss, but you will also know love. You will appreciate that love even more.