insanity

“Sutter?” I barely managed to get out. “Sutter what happened?”  I tried to turn my head in an effort to look for him.

“Tessa?” I heard him reply.  I closed my eyes, tears rising as I realized this might be the last time I saw him, and I couldn’t even see him at all.  I heard a rustling, and before I knew it, he was next to me, bleeding and bruised, but alive.  I smiled softly.  He laid my head on his lap, his hand moving to stroke my hair that was matted with blood. “Tessa I’m so sorry.” He whispered, tears brimming in his eyes.  I shook my head as best as I could, though I wasn’t even sure it was moving at all.

“Shh.” I whispered, not wanting him to be said, though I knew it was inevitable. “It’s okay it’s okay.” Sutter let out a sob and I smiled up at him.  “I didn’t come here to win,” I reminded him, my voice was weak, despite not feeling any pain, I knew I was done.  My body was stiff and tired.  “Sutter,” I choked out, trying to blink back my tears, “for as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to die,” I told him, wishing I could reach my hand up and hold him.  “You gave me a reason to live,” I smiled, a tear running down my cheek.  His lips were filled with blood, and I knew he was weak, but he couldn’t die.  He couldn’t.  His eyes shut, and I felt his hand squeeze mine.  

“Stay with me,” he grunted, tears running down his cheeks.  “Don’t leave me, please,” his voice got soft, and I felt more tears run down my face. “You look so beautiful.” He whispered, and I smiled.

“You have to win, Sutter.  Go home, please,” My voice was barely audible.  Sutter looked at me with sad eyes.  “Promise me, promise me you will try,” I said as loud as I could, trying not to choke as the taste of blood filled my mouth.  Sutter nodded slowly, his hand squeezing mine tight.  I refused to close my eyes.  I refused to stop looking at him.  I didn’t want to leave him, I wanted to stay, but this is the way it had to be.  I had to die in order for him to live.  There were so many things I wanted to say to him.  Things he needed to know before I left, but I knew I didn’t have time.  “I love you, Mystery Boy,” I said, my voice now just a soft whisper.  His image began to blur, and slowly, everything went dark.

~~~ 

I always wondered what happened after death.  I never believed in God, or Heaven.  It was all a load of crap to me, but since the last three years of my life sort of revolved around the idea of dying, it was something I pondered a lot.  Was I going to be reincarnated and forced to live through the Hell called Panem once again?  God, I hoped not.  

When I opened my eyes, I was there.  I was right next to Sutter.  But I wasn’t- me.  I wasn’t myself.  I knew this because I was looking at me, wrapped in Sutter’s arms as he rocked back in forth, sobbing over my bloodied corpse.  It broke my heart, but there was nothing I could do.  I kneeled down in front of him, the blood no longer mangled in my hair.  My skin was as fresh as a flower, and I felt stronger than I ever had.  There was no more pain, no more hunger tearing at my stomach.  I was whole.

“Tessa?” I heard a voice behind me.  I spun around, not believing what was in front of me.

“T-Tatum?” I asked.  “Is it really you?”  She nodded, a smile on her face.  “Oh my god,” I ran towards her, rushing into her arms and she wrapped hers around me.  “Oh my god, Tatum I can touch you, I can feel you,” I said.  “You’re real!” She nodded again, her hand coming up to cup my jaw.

“You did well,” She said, her voice was soft and gentle.  “I’m so proud of you,” she cooed, pressing a kiss to my forehead.  I smiled softly.  

“I can’t believe it’s really you,” I said, breathlessly.  She smiled, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.  

“Are you ready?”  She asked.  I gave her a confused look.

“Ready for what?”

“To leave,” She said, grabbing my hand.  “To move on, to let go,” she turned around, and I saw a bright light.  It filled the arena, beckoning us.  I turned back around, looking at Sutter who still cradled me in his arms.  

“Will I ever see him again?” I asked softly.  I didn’t want to leave him.

“Yes,” She answered.  “You can still watch over him,” she squeezed my hand.  “Just like I’ve been watching over you,” I turned back around.  “I’ve been waiting for you, so we could move on together,” she told me.  I bit my lip, taking one last look at Sutter.

“I love him,” I said.  She nodded.

“I know.  You will be together again, soon.”  She smiled.  “C’mon,” I turned back around, tightening my grip on her fingers.  “Ready?”  After a minute of hesitation, I nodded.   Together, we walking into the light, and together, we moved on.