My Father

If there’s a spectrum of man... John Cena is one side and Michael Cera is the other.

I'm embarrassed to say this, but I think I was getting Judge Judy mixed up with the Amanda Bynes version of Judge Judy

Is 'straight-corn' like a term? Like someone who's really straight from Ohio? Is this Ohio slang?

I literally say dumb stuff all the time!

I tried to flirt with him by talking to him about Mothman because he's from West Virginia

Me: [talking about some mpreg thing i wrote as a joke years ago, not able to remember who it was about, babbling]

I'm so done with sickle cell anemia.

LOOK AT ALL THAT SPINACH IM SO EXCITED TO PUT IT INSIDE ME

No! Poop was an adjective... not a noun....... [softer] not a noun.....

You see, I drew a train because I was drawing clouds. And then I was like what makes clouds? And I was like trains.

I don't trust anything you ever say.

If he was coming over I would let him impregnate me so he could never get rid of me.

me: I'm not nice enough to date a nice person!

Oh yea, corpse means dead.

I'm two hours late taking my birth control but I GUESS IT DOESN'T MATTER

We have some Gatorade if you're feeling frisky. That's not the right word.

That's the whitest thing I ever said except for that one time I called cinnamon spicy.