the circus

i'm fighting for my life out here like oh my god. ants in my room. ants on me. ants on me. ants on me. ants were on me. ants were On Me. does anyone out there even understand. i can handle ants out in the world i can handle bugs out in the world i can survive i will live i can get through this but god like. i can't get this idea that i am contaminated out of my head. it's just stuck in there. ants in my room ants on my person. what the fuck am i supposed to do. my mom doesn't care, she thinks i'm being annoying. but they're in here they were on me. they're in here and they were on me. what is she missing?? what am i missing??? they are in here and they were on my person they are in here and they won't stop coming they won't stop coming in here they're coming for me and they're going to be on me again. i need to shower. i can't shower. it's too late to shower and my roommates will get upset at me. i need to sleep but i can't. i can't sleep if i sleep the ants will reach me. the ants are going to be on me again. i can't. i can't do this. i can't do this. i'm so so anxious. i can't get stressed out though because if i get stressed out i'll get tired and if i'm tired then i'll fall asleep which means!! the ants will get me. i can't have ants on me again i can't okay i just can't i can't. it's not even that they're gross it's that them being on me is too close, what if they get in my ears??? what if they get in my nose, what if they get in my eyes??? what then????? then i'll. fuck. no one cares no one cares if they get in me because why would anyone care about that that's such a silly and stupid fear to have but it's one that i can't get out of my head and i haven't in a long time and i don't like that the universe keeps putting me in situations where i'm having to experience my worst fears. first it was eating mold, now it's having to survive a night full of ants. my mom thought it might've been that the trash cans were too close to our window but then i went outside to take trash out and realized the cans are still on the curb because the trash was never collected so it's because the trash cans Aren't there, it has to be that. but i can't DO anything about that so i have to just make it through tonight i have to just make it through this night i have to survive Tonight i have to survive Tonight i have to make it out of tonight without ants getting on me again or ants crawling in my ears or ants crawling in my eyes and i'm so itchy i'm so itchy i am so itchy right now and i'm really scared but it's okay because i just can't sleep tonight that's all i have to do is not sleep, i can not sleep for a night. i can survive A Night. there are no ants on me i need to breathe. there are no ants on me. what if there are ants on me. what if there are ants in my hair, i wouldn't know. i just wouldn't. there can't be ants on me. there can't be ants on me or in my hair or on me or in my hair there aren't ants on me there can't be. i might have contamination ocd. like i can't explain how the ants and contamination are related but they are. you have to trust me they are. i feel insane.

i've been wondering if we're faking this all but i think all we really needed was to take a moment and actually look. we've been too afraid to check who we are, because if it turned out we were the old host then that might mean none of this was real, but.. we're all here. we're here. i'm here. and man am i grateful for us for still being here. anyway, i'm tired and we have therapy tomorrow morning so. sleeping time it is.

local alter in a system of skirt enjoyers hates skirts (from march 23 or something)

3 of 3, from march 12

2 of 3, from march 12

just posting a backlog of doodles we’ve done. this is 1 of 3? this is from march 9

from yesterday

okay but like what if we died. lmao. could be funny. i dunno man i think it could be a bit funny. i'm set on the rabbit hole of thinking that we're alone and no one cares about us again and actually all of our friendships we built were fake and they never actually liked us and i'm sure everything could be solved if we could just go out somewhere but we can't even do that and even when there wasn't snow we couldn't do that soooo.. i feel like things have become pointless i dunno. we need to like. disappear. we don't have our therapist anymore, we can't afford to go, and we were going to start on two sessions a week but we can't do that. and we cancelled all of our future sessions in a panic because the amount of money we owe right now is so high, but we can still go, just once a week instead for now until we figure out why it costs so much now. and we emailed our therapist trying to get things set back up again anddd. nothing. radio silence from her. she would usually get back to us the next day but she didn't even do that, so now it just seems like we don't have a therapist anymore. but For Reeeaal this time. i dunno. i think we're losing it.