My Secret Lies Within

Past few days have been hell in so many ways...one particular case involves my significant other. We have been married a 5 years and together for over six.. 

My spouse has sacrificed his quality time with me over his video game... Night time is the only time we have together and he chooses to be downstairs on his game until after I go to bed.

I don’t get it. We have been through this before and have had a serious talk about it and it is now just the same bullshit all over again. I made a comment last night saying that he always leaves me at night to play the game and he responded with “No i don't” and when I responded with “babe you play that game every single night” all he had to say was “well thats the only time i get to play”

That literally broke me....No time with me don't matter to him... he worked a 12 hour day last night and he went straight to the game when he got home. Doesn't matter the only time to spend time with me is at night. But it matter if its the xbox. 

I never thought in a million years this would be happening to me. I go to the gym overnight to get away..because I'm sitting by myself anyways. So Ill just go do something to pass time.. 

He knows it upsets me but he ignores it. I didn't even argue with him last night. Now I'm stuck it feels like. If I am not important to my own spouse. Then how am I important to anyone else...

Well...maybe there is just one person who does.

That person will always have a piece of my heart.

Where do I go from here?

My days are so routine, it seems like everyday it’s the same cycle, the same drive, the same work, the same nightly routine. Go to bed, wake up, and do it all again.

Today I got so angry. Everyone I tried to conversate with would just stop talking to me. Leaving me on “read” and not responding. Makes me regret the good things I’ve done for anyone. Because in all reality I’m a last resort, I feel taken advantage of. I wonder why I stay so damn nice all the time. I always am and I always get shit on. I go out of my way for anyone I care about. Some of these people I would honestly give my life for, but do they know that? Do they see that? Probably not.

I need a time machine. I would go back and start over and maybe just maybe the world wouldn’t walk on my back.

People may refer to me as an angel, but maybe in all reality I should be a demon.

I don’t understand why I feel the way I do? My feelings haven’t changed in so long. It’s almost like a toxic poison that won’t leave my brain.

I don’t think I will ever be normal.

Abnormal.

The only thing that will help never will.

Once uptown a time she will never get what she wants.

She regrets the past.

And now it’s killing her.

I just wish I could understand.

What did I do?

Are you ready to let this go?

I don’t think I ever can be.