First and foremost, I would just like to apologize for no longer being active here on tumblr, the truth is that I just can’t fit it into my daily life anymore. I am going to try and be more active on the weekends, but even with that, I am afraid this blog will mostly be inactive from now on unless I manage to break back into social media. I hope you have all been doing well and are taking care, especially those of you who have been struggling. As for me, the struggle indeed continues. I unfortunately was given the flu and spent two weeks really fighting that, without health insurance, I could not go get it checked or get prescriptions, so it was pretty much just a matter of lots of tissues and a little NyQuil (First time I have taken medication in a decade). I am feeling much much better now, hoping that I don’t get sick again for a while. Ryan’s birthday was also last week, so that was a bit of a battle. Since I was sick, I wasn’t able to do anything special, but I did have a lot of time to reflect. I really miss that boy, I can’t believe he would be 22 years old now. The hardest part is that I have no clue what he would look like or how he would sound. I know his eyes and lips would be the same, but he would have changed so much as a young man. In my mind, he will forever be the dorky 16-year-old that he was when he passed. Truth is, it will never get any easier, I just have to get stronger, but god do I miss him. And because I miss Ryan so much, connecting with guys just isn’t happening. I have avoided dating or romance for a long time, but I finally started opening up to the idea of having a partner, but even willing to do that has hit snags because the only person I can see myself dating is not interested in that type of thing, which is hard. Sometimes I wish his stubborn ass would just shut up and kiss me, but at the same time, I don’t know how I would react to that. I haven’t had a romantic connection to someone in 5 years. The last thing I want to do is get hurt, or hurt someone, so I will probably just keep it to myself and stay where I am. You know, focus on work and hold the pillows tight at night. Speaking of work, the good news is that I still have a job, the bad news is that I am still bringing in less money than is going out. I am really bogged down and stressed out by my job, it isn’t a difficult job, but I find myself dreading every shift because of the low pay, overnight hours, and difficult coworkers. All together, I have not moved up at all, I fell right back into where I have been for 2 years. I have been trying to find another job, but with little job experience and no solid references, it isn’t going well. Lots of rejection letters. And of course, winter is coming up fast and furious, so I would like to keep a job in this area so I can work in the snow… But, when you take into account the fact that I can’t survive much longer making $10.50, and considering most jobs in this area pay $8 at the most, I really don’t know what I am going to do. If I can stretch my savings account until Spring, that is my best chance. I might also pick up a part time seasonal job in retail just to get extra income and break even. And then there is my truck… Lord. As much as I love my big red hunk of metal, I am afraid it is costing too damn much. Gas mileage isn’t even the main cost anymore, it is the damn insurance. Plus, the rust and damage from the accident still has not been repaired, I would probably spend $1,000+ on repairs alone. But, it will at least last me the winter, and I will have a 4X4 so the snow shouldn’t be too much of a hassle. Horizon is still driving me crazy, so hyper and energetic, makes me feel old and sluggish. He won’t stop eating paint off the wall though, which he can’t really afford to do since he is already low on brain cells. And then there is the family… I would really like to surprise my mum for her birthday next month like I did last year, but financially, I don’t think it is a good idea. I’d have to take a day or two off work, drive 13 hours one way, pay for a hotel… I just don’t know. I mean I could use a bit of my savings, because my mother really wants to see me and I would love to see her, but do I risk it? And with my sister being pregnant, I would like to go once Dakota (my niece) is born in February, but again… money. If I have any left by February, do I eat the cost and drive down or do I just wait until I find a new job with better pay? And then there is the fact that I still want to go into EMS, but can’t do the training because I have no healthcare coverage. It would take me 4 months to complete EMS training, $600-1,000, and I could probably immediately get a position with the county above mine once I finish, but it isn’t even an option right now due to health insurance (lack there of). And of course, I also want to get my ACT 235 which would allow me to be an armed security officer, but that would also cost hundreds of dollars too. But, with all that ranting done, I am still incredibly thankful for where I am. At 18, I basically ran away and started over in a new city I had never even been to hundreds of miles from everything I knew, and 2.5 years later, I am still here with a roof over my head and food in the cabinet. I am lucky to have gotten this far, but even then, I cannot be satisfied until I am actually doing something to help others and make a difference. I am a lot better off mentally, I am somewhat better off financially, and I am doing a little better physically, so in all, I guess I am still moving forward. Why on earth are you still reading this long ass rambling rant? If you made it this far, you’re a champion and I am thankful you care. With that said, I truly hope you are all doing well, I hope you are moving towards your goals no matter how big or small, and I hope you are not forgetting to love and appreciate yourself, because in this world, there are a lot of pressures to beat yourself up, but you’re still here, so you’re doing something right. Much love to you all and I hope I can get back into this tumblr thing soon. Be proud, be strong, be brave, and never forget; It gets better! If you want to keep up with me and my daily life, be sure to follow me on Instagram @StoryOfAGayBoy, I post all the time there.
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