These Bedevilments

I recently became obsessed with the idea of moving across the country, and for the past 3 days it’s all I can think about. In this scenario, sobriety suddenly felt irrelevant and unnecessary. The two could not go together. And what’s ironic is, never once in these 3 days have I actually wanted to drink. It’s the idea that I have this burden on my shoulders that I may not need to bear, that might prevent me from fully living this new adventure. 

Can’t I casually enjoy a drink with a new friend or lover? Why am I creating self-imposed restrictions? I don’t want to be perceived as different or weird. I want to stand out just enough. But not too much. Not that much. Not as the sober one. (Lots of self-obsessed thoughts happening here.)

But then today I heard someone say she’s a “proud sober gal” and something in that simple statement lit me up. Changing my perception of this thing being a weakness and a burden, to one of strength and pride, is incredibly liberating. 

I can do this, and it doesn't have to be this deep dark thing. 

“The greatest sources of our suffering are the lies we tell ourselves.”

I don't know what I want to say but I know I just need to put finger to keyboard. After long walks I often have overwhelming urges to get an idea or memory down in writing, but actually allowing myself to get to this point felt impossible. As if the words don’t do it justice. Or perhaps I don’t even have the words. 

It would be much more effective if I could send a snapshot of the reel playing in my head.