Right... And monogamous relationships always last?
One of the best things about polyamory is how it changed my perspective on what a "good" relationship is.
Whether the couple breaks up, drifts apart, or one of them dies. The "success" of a relationship does not need to be defined by its longevity!
Every monogamous relationship I've had - ended. Mind you, many of them cheated and dumped me for someone else. Many were unhealthy, abusive, controlling - but I don't blame monogamy. I had "unskilled" or unhealthy partners. In many cases I was the unhealthy partner. I've come to terms with them. I don't regret the love I gave or relationships I had. Each one was a puzzle piece in my journey to learn how to love, communicate, or be better. Each relationship allowed me to become who I am today. To know what matters, to have healthier boundaries, and to be the best partner I can be at the moment. In many cases, we just weren't compatible long term.
I've been with my husband now for nearly a decade. Sure, that amount of time does contribute to the overall picture of our "success" but our relationship isn't successful because we've been together for a long time. Lord KNOWS I've remained in shitty relationships far longer than I should have.
I can say, Polyamory has contributed to the reasons my relationship is "successful". Having multiple relationships consistently shines a light on all the things that we (as individuals and a couple) need to improve. We are so often challenged with investigating our internal and external wants, needs, and feelings.
Are we communicating openly, honestly, consistently? Are we prioritizing our connection, intimacy, and time together? How are we handling and able to help each other with feelings of insecurity, jealousy, and unmet needs? What is valuable, appreciated, and enjoyable within our relationship, and what needs improved?
In my monogamous relationships (especially any that lasted for any notable length of time), those questions were rarely asked. It was just ASSUMED we'd meet each other's needs, be each other's everything, and "HOW DARE you ask that of me because it implies I am not enough for you!!!"
Having multiple relationships gives me a wider perspective. Especially of myself. If communication is amazing in one relationship, I can better recognize it needs improvements in another. If I'm having amazing fun and joy in one relationship, I'm more likely to bring that enthusiasm into the other. If a partner is meeting my needs, respecting my boundaries, and treating me with unconditional love- I'm more likely to recognize when another relationship is NOT. (And OMG isn't that amazing! I no longer remain in relationships I do not want to be in!)
Yes, I have had MANY Poly relationships "not work out" over the years. The reason those relationships ended had little to nothing to do with Polyamory and everything to do with the fact that one of us did not want to continue. Relationships end. We weren't compatible, we couldn't find time to be together in the ways we wanted or needed, someone moved away, someone's behavior was unacceptable, we just weren't happy. All similar reason a Monogamous Relationship could (and probably SHOULD) end.
Polyamory also taught me that relationships do not have to "look" or "function" in any particular way.
From the outside, my marriage might look like your typical picturesque marriage with the house, the kids, the bills, the dogs, and regularly scheduled date nights.
Meanwhile, I have my comet who's adventurous and brilliant and wants to spend time with me when he's in town. Who takes me to dinner and movie nights and shares something so intimate and special in between his long work hours and travels. Our relationship is not "stereotypical" but it is special. I also have a new partner who is creative and always sending me his newest projects, writing me poetry, and loves songs, and we invest time into seeing each other once or twice a week. These relationships might not include spending every night on the couch, or holidays with inlaws, or stressing about meal plans for the kids, or bills; but they are still worthwhile, valuable, intimate loving relationships.
Who's to say any of my relationships will "work out" long term. Hubby could want a divorce next year, my comet could die in a plane crash, and my bf could decide he's monogamous and leave me for someone else. That's kind of the risk that comes with loving people and having them in your life - and it's worth it.
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