The Sad Sufi

The original family, your own family of origin, the community, society, and the law. I feel embarrassed and a bit stupid thinking that I could outweigh all of that with “it’s halal”.

I could stamp that on my face and it wouldn’t matter. It affords acceptance *at best*. The side eyes, confusion, awkwardness, it all remains. Even within your own heart you doubt yourself; why did I do this? Why did I ruin someone else’s monogamous bliss? Why did I ruin my own life? My chance at normalcy.

It’s halal to eat camel meat,

But I don’t.

It’s halal to wear niqab,

But I don’t.

“Polygyny is halal” is not enough of a reason. What was my reason? I did not consider how painful it is to not have some semblance of a normal life. It’s not just polygyny’s fault. I’d like to say it’s not polygyny’s fault at all, cause that’s what a good Muslim should say.

I guess it’s not. But Allah did warn men of not being equal. I can’t say that’s the issue. I don’t know or care if he love’s her more. Considering I don’t believe he loves me at all, I would assume that’s true.

That’s why it feels like it’s not polygyny’s fault. Cause if my marriage was decent I’m sure I’d be… at least better. But pathetically I guess I wonder that maybe if he had “no choice” but to talk to me then maybe he would. That’s a bit delusional though, I don’t think it’s polygyny, it’s just a lack of connection. If it wasn’t another wife I guess he’d just call his mom or a friend or keep things to himself.

I don’t even know what his relationship is like with her. And I don’t care, I hope she’s happy.

I shouldn’t choose happiness