the running fran.

hoorayyyy, it's saturday!

this week was pretty good, although i had to skip a run on wednesday out of pure lack of time.  i had to be at work early so i didnt have time to run before going on, and then i ended up having to work late, then had an appointment, and by the time i got home, it was dark out, and i've been strictly forbidden from running alone at night in my neighborhood by various friends and family.  i WANTED to make it up yesterday (friday) on my rest day, but i was so exhausted after a crazy week that i just couldn't do it.

so!  i may try to make up the run on sunday instead of cross-training, but we'll see how i feel.  going to try hard not to dwell on it and let myself feel guilty--- although i do want to protect myself from getting into the habit of just skipping runs here or there when they're inconvenient.  i know that's a really easy pattern to get into, and i know it's a slippery slope.  i have to keep in the forefront of my mind how important this entire experience is to me, and how much it means to me, so that i don't let myself default to blowing off my training, or relaxing on my eating patterns.

which brings me to... my eating patterns.  ugh.  been having a lot of trouble with the "clean eating" lately.  it feels so good when i eat clean, in conjunction with my running, but sometimes it's so hard for me!  i find myself eating whatever i want, because i know the running will prevent me from gaining any weight.  and it's dangerous!  because my body WANTS to good stuff, and i know the good stuff will help me to feel better, especially on my runs.  i think i need to quit "snacking" cold turkey, because that's where i really fall apart.  my meals are always pretty healthy, but then i find myself grazing nonstop all day.  and of course i am lucky/unlucky enough to work in an environment where there i have access to any and every snack i could ever want.... all day.... every day.... for free.  every morning i say to myself--- today is going to be a good food day.  i'm going to eat clean.  then by about 2pm... it's cookies... and a handful of chips... maybe some honey cashews.... a piece of licorice..... and i'm screwed.  and i always feel so tired and sluggish afterwards, it's miserable!  then on the days that i DO eat clean, and choose only healthy options, i feel amazing, and energized, and happy.  so obviously it's a no-brainer... but i still struggle.  the snacks taunt me!!!!!!!!!!!  luckily on the weekends i have no problem--- because i don't keep snacks in my house, so there's no temptation, and i eat wonderfully.  but come monday..... ahhhhhhhh.

as of TODAY there's actually 207 days to go.  yesterday i was wrong. 

anywho!  ran a solid 3 miles tonight on the treadmill at work.  i have a ton of emmy screeners to get through so i decided to start Orphan Black, and the run flew by.  my least favorite thing about running inside though, is i seem to sweat so much more.  i probably don't actually sweat more, but since i'm running in place it seems to be more noticeable when it drips off of me.  ewie.

i've decided that instead of counting up my days... since there's no real significance to the amount of days i was counting.... instead i'm going to start counting down until the race.

so i'm officially 207 days away from the LA marathon.  seems like a lot, but i know how fast that's going to go.

anyway, been a while since i wrote.  life keeps getting in the way.  but now is a great time to get back in the swing of things, because i think my conditioning phase has officially ended.  which means the actual ramping up is about to start.  i'm really scared, but really excited, too.

ran a mile tonight, even though it was a rest day.  just had to get out there and do somthing.  been feeling guilty because lately i've kind of mucked up my running schedule: there were a few days i took off because i was really busy, and then that threw my entire schedule off... and because i'm such an anxiety-driven nutball, it's thrown my entire chi off.  i've felt really out of sync for the first time in this entire experience.  and i don't like how that has felt.  so i want to get back into my groove.  i do best when sticking to a set plan.

last night after work i was in such a foul mood.  i had eaten crappy all day, and was super tired--- and like i said below, the last thing in the world i felt like doing was going for a run.  so i made myself go for a run, because, duh, that's what you do, right?

(i don't really know if that's what you do, but i've known myself for 25 years now and one of the things i've learned, begrudgingly so, is that usually if i really don't want to do something that probably means i should do it.  immediately.  and yes, this pseudo-self-masochistic tendency has made it pretty hard for me to to differentiate between the times i should and shouldn't listen to my gut... but i guess that's how i grew up: if it's easy and feels good, it's probably BAD)

so here's where it gets kind of frightening for me:  i throw on my workout clothes and hit the road.  i put on an episode of jeff garlin's podcast- the guest is conan o'brien.  i head out on a route i haven't taken before.  and 55 minutes later, i've run 5 miles and i'm feeling fucking fantastic.

WHAT?!

yes.  fucking.  fantastic.  but how?  i honestly have no idea.  i ran 5 miles the other night and it wasn't that bad, but this was the first time it just felt like butter.  smooth.  easy.  carefree.

i can't believe i haven't found anybody willing to pay me yet for all of these miles i've been running.  don't i have any wealthy friends out there with a serious interest in my physical and emotional health????

kidding of course... but how amazing would that be?  sad to say, if someone told me they'd pay me $10 for every mile i ran, i think my running would be much more consistent and a lot more enjoyable.  what does that say about me?  perhaps that i'm a money-hungry lush.  sorry bout it.  c.r.e.a.m.

but for real, it's funny to me because i do sometimes feel like all of this hard work should somehow come with a reward.  like it's my nature to feel like if i do something that's really challenging and time consuming, i should be getting some sort of compensation.  and then i realize, uh, duh you dummy, the reward is the amazing feat you're achieving for your mind, body, and soul. 

a sentence i truthfully never thought i'd ever say:  today i ran 5 miles just because.

my assignment was 2, but i decided to run on the treadmill at work with the TV on, and i timed it so i could watch Extreme Weight Loss with Chris Powell to feel that extra inspiration yo!

and you knowwwww how i feel about Chris Powell.  after 20 minutes and my 2 miles were up, i just kept going, because why not?  i know, i know, i'm a party animal!

so my total mileage was 5 miles.  and although it wasn't a fast run, it was my longest yet, so i feel great about that.  definitely feeling a little sore, but it hurts. so. good.

today's mileage: 5 miles

total mileage: 69 miles

today i got up and ran 2 miles first thing in the morning, even though technically my schedule has mondays as rest days.  i just felt the need to jumpstart the work-week-- and since i was short a couple of days of running last week, i don't think i run any risk of overworking myself.  after all, it's only 2 miles.

BUT.  that's not to say it was an easy run.  i definitely felt the days off.  2 milers have become so easy peasy and comfortable for me... but after being sick and having a couple of days off, this one was a real struggle.  i was counting down the seconds until i finished.  here's hoping i get back in the groove soon!  gonna be a long way to 26.2...

today's mileage: 2 miles

another short little blogging hiatus, but again, with good reason.  i've recently had some fairly stressful situations in my personal life, but they are now all resolved, so i feel confident that i can get back into my daily routine of inspiring running, clean eating, and happy blogging.  hooray!

let's get it going with a little recap:

last week i only ran 2 days (compared to the normal 4 days) because i was a bit under the weather.  there was one day in particular when i just felt awful, and was going to force myself to get out there anyway, but then i stopped and realized- why?  to avoid the guilt that would come with not running?  BUT YOU'RE SICK!  you're not being lazy!  so i sliced that guilt right off the top of my mind, like a layer of mold.  this entire process is about doing something good for myself, so why abandon the self-love in a moment when i need it the most?

the days i did run, were awesome.  i did a nice 2 miles on wednesday after work, and then i did an awesome 4 miles on thursday night.  so it was a week without morning runs, mostly because being a little ill made it even harder to get up in the morning.  but thursday night was one of my best runs yet!  i ran 4 miles around the silverlake reservoir, and then afterwards i had a great multi-grain salad full of proteins and vegetables.  nothing like a clean meal after a great workout, honestly.

but as i mentioned, now that i have a few major issues resolved in my personal life that have been taking up some major mental real estate, i want to re-commit to this blogging/journalling process.  so i hereby promise myself to work as hard as i can to update every day!

this week's mileage: 6 miles

impromptu 10 day blogging hiatus!

but never fear--- for what i have lacked in posts over the past 10 days, i have made up for in miles :)

suffice it to say it's been a crazy week and a half--- had a crazy week at work followed by a crazy weekend full of work followed by another crazy week at work followed by a weekend in vegas.  just got back this morning.  it's been GO GO GO!

and the old me would have used the chaos as an excuse to take a break from the training schedule... but i'm so happy to be able to say that i took it all in stride.  literally.

the highlights:

-stuck to my schedule, only skipped one day of running because i literally worked from 8am-midnight--- and didn't let myself feel guilty about it, which i feel is healthy.

-did my first at-work run--- 2 miles on the treadmill at lunch and i instantly regretted it.  all i wanted to do afterwards was take a shower but instead i had to finish out the rest of the workday.  it wasn't too bad once i cooled down but eck, won't be doing that too often.  

-i have a new PR for longest run!  yesterday while i was in vegas i ran 4.5 miles on the treadmill in my brother's condo complex.  i was kind of dreading this weekend because i knew i'd have to run indoors (no thank you 115 degree las vegas heat) and of course it was going to be my longest run yet.  up to this point i've done pretty much everything outside, and have really just been stuck in the opinion that treadmills are a bummer.  but i got myself into a positive mindset, and i have to say it was probably the best feeling run i've had thus far in my first 2 months of training.  the first couple of miles were the same as always-- a little rough, but bearable-- but once i hit mile 3-onwards... it just felt so great.  i was running at a pretty relaxed speed of 5mph, but then for the last mile i pumped it up to 6 then 6.5mph and it was really a run.  i felt my legs stretching out and my strides were so long.  so full.  it was actually this amazing feeling that i hadn't yet experienced--- i got to that sweet spot where i was completely warmed up and nothing hurt.  the biggest surprise for me was that i didn't cramp up at all, even with the increase in speed.  usually when i'm running on the road, if i am not careful to keep a consistent speed, or if i speed up too abruptly, i instantly get a stitch.  but yesterday i didn't get any cramps at all, even though by the end i was full-out running, not jogging.  i don't know if i'd call this a "runner's high" persay... but it definitely felt great.  i could have kept going, and the thought of continuing didn't scare me.  which makes me feel so hopeful for the future!

-i broke down and let myself get on the scale... something i had been trying not to do thus far.  for me, i don't want this experience to be about weight loss.  i mean yes, losing weight will be great, but i am really trying to be careful to keep this about the running, and the fitness, and the discipline, and the achievement.  i want any weight loss to just be a happy byproduct, but not a focus.  WITH THAT SAID, i've lost 10lbs since i started running... and somehow it feels more meaningful than any other weight loss i've ever had.  because i know i'm doing it the right way, if that makes sense.  i'm being mindful of what i eat, but i'm not counting calories, and i'm definitely not going to bed hungry or anything like that.  in the past, weight loss has always been equivocated with sacrifice, or deprivation for me.  and for the first time, i am getting into shape and losing weight by being active, and it just feels great.  so i'm going to go back to ignoring the scale... and maybe just check in once a month, out of curiosity, just to see what's happening.  but for now, i'm feeling really positive about the changes going on with my body, because i know i'm improving my health, and that is so incredibly fulfilling.

so today is a rest day, but back at it tomorrow!  weekday runs still haven't really picked up yet... but i think it starts ramping up in august.  so i'll try to enjoy the rest of this conditioning period while i still can...

total mileage: 58 miles

another successful morning run in the bag--- got myself up at 6:30am today to get 3 miles in before work.  i honestly can't believe that i've somehow turned into the type of person that gets up early before work to run.  if you knew me, you'd know how miraculous this is.

anyway, i'm really riding the self-love train right now, because this morning there was a distinct moment, when i was laying in bed at 6:30am --- my first moments of consciousness after hearing my alarm --- when i had to make the choice to get up and get moving, and for the first time in so long, i did it.  i just DID it!!!!  i don't even know how, but i guess it's just as simple as--- i refused to let myself NOT do it.  there was just no way i was going to not do it, because i knew how upset with myself i'd be if i blew it off.

my first few waking thoughts were the same as they have always been: 1. what time is it?  2. i don't need to get up, i'll just run tonight.  3. technically what is the absolute latest i could stay in bed and still not be late to work?  4. what kind of lie could i make up to allow me to sleep in?  all of these thoughts still crossed my mind, as usual.  but the difference, is that i have FINALLY proven to myself that i have the power to overcome this tom foolery!  it's amazing how great i am at rationalizing with myself when i am half-asleep.  sometimes i feel like i don't even have any control over it--- my body is so tired that it will trick my mind any which way, just to get me to hit that snooze button.  i have gone to work with 5 day old unwashed hair because in an early morning fugue state, i was able to convince myself to go back to sleep, leaving myself just enough time to shower, but not to shampoo.  it's really awful, when i think about it.  because honestly, it's only the first few minutes of being awake that are hard.  once i've been up for like 10 minutes, i feel fine, i'm not tired, i'm glad to start the day.  but it's those goddamned first 10 minutes that are so dangerous.

so fuck yeah for this personal victory.  and here's to not looking back.  because the wolves are on my heels on this one, and the wolves are very, very, sleepy.

today's mileage: 3 miles

hello!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i didn't hit snooze this morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i got up at 6:30am and ran 2 miles before work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i know 2 miles is not much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but this is a huge victory for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it even felt pretty good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm a runner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hooray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

today's mileage: 2 miles

i definitely didn't deserve this rest day, but i took it.

tomorrow will be my first day of running since being back to work, so that means i'm getting up early.  only 2 miles.. but not looking forward to that alarm...

yesterday i went to a birthday brunch with full intentions of staying for an hour or so, then running errands, then coming home for a quiet night before my first day back at work today.

i ran 4 miles today and since that is the furthest i've run so far i decided that i deserved a spraytan.

SIKE i'm not a monster!

i got a spraytan because my friend started a spraytanning business and she needs people to practice on.  and what kind of good friend would say no to that?!

but, about the run: i was so excited to add another mile to my current furthest run of 3 miles.  this conditioning phase of my training is great, and so important/needed, but i've started to feel antsy.  and i just want to up the mileage so i can finally prove to myself that i can hang.  so even though it was only 4 miles, it felt good to break out of the 3 mile safety zone i'd been in.

so to change things up a bit, i went to the reservoir in silverlake and ran around that.  once around is 2.2 miles, so i ran around twice, which built in a nice cool-down.  of course i ran right in the middle of the day at 12:30pm because i'm a masochist... but it was actually alright.  the hardest part was really how thirsty i got.  i plan on getting one of those runner's water bottle belts when i get into the longer runs... but i didn't think i needed it quite yet.  but today i was so parched during the last mile that i wished i'd had one.  other than that, the run felt pretty good.  i was a slowpoke for sure--- i was running about 12 minute miles (yikes!) but the reservoir run has a few steep inclines, and also i wasn't paying much attention to pace because i was too distracted by the jeff garlin/lena dunham podcast i was listening to.

tomorrow i cross-train, so maybe a walk with the pooch?  or perhaps i'll do a bike ride if i'm feeling funky?

ps- monday is my first day back at work.  UGH.

today's mileage: 4 miles

yesterday was a rest day so we went on a hike!  because when you say rest you really mean hike, right?  oops.