The Review Storm

This is a character for a high/epic fantasy story that my sister and I are writing - one of the main characters, actually. The setting is more late-Medieval-inspired as far as aesthetics go.

Setting: The story centers around the nations of Kaharian and Basilaume, which have been at war on and off for centuries. Twenty-three years before the beginning of the story, the kings of each nation at the time signed a peace treaty, putting what they hope is a permanent end to the conflict.

Okay. This seems semi-relevant to the character in question.

Content: At sixteen years old, Juliana would not normally be considered a grown woman. But as the princess of Kaharian and heir to the throne, no one would dare address her as a child. She inherited much from her father; high cheekbones, a strong jaw, and golden hair; yet the kings still says he can see her mother in her grey eyes.

She’s either a grown woman or not, so I would pick one. Tread careful ground here, she would more likely be seen one way or the other depending entirely on context.

From the time she could walk, Juliana has watched her father interact with both foreign dignitaries and peasants living in Kaharian. She has always had her own voice, and she knows when she is right. Even though she is not afraid of stepping on a few toes, she still knows when it is best to back down and let others have their say. This doesn’t stop her from gloating if and when she turns out to be right, though.

Sounds like a typical 16 year old.

Andar was my second, and most troublesome, main character from a very early attempt to write a full-length fantasy novel, set in a high-fantasy universe with ingrained, natural magic, advanced technology (including some guns and space travel), based a good deal off science fiction concepts. Ok cool.

Andar is a rather regular Human, who thinks of himself and presents himself as something more.  His character is something of a parody of the typical, Lancelot-like, human hero in fantasy: long blonde hair (dyed and groomed heavily), good cheekbones, all very heroic-like.  He tends to wear very fancy half-plate armor, even just walking around public, because, it’s what he thinks he is: this universe’s version of a Paladin.  He actually ‘borrowed’ his Dad’s greatsword, replacing it with a fake, because Andar is too dirt-poor, raised in a Human ghetto, to have something flashy to arm himself with–for show.  He’s actually pretty heavy in debt with the armor alone. So why is he using a sword in a world with guns and stuff? This is one of my biggest pet peeves and you are going to have a hard time justifying it.

It’s easy to dislike Andar, because he’s so obviously carrying around a pretense.  In fact, many people in the fantasy setting don’t like him, and think he’s attempt to be the universe’s hero is just getting in the way.  He’s not seriously considered a serious hero by many people in his universe.

This might be kind of funny if the story is purposely aware of how it’s a parody, i.e. the characters know they live in a parody universe.

However, to his credit, Andar does have a hero’s heart.  He is unaware, at first, that his father is a great hero of legend, in his father’s hidden past, and that Andar has certain gifts passed down he isn’t yet aware of, that makes him more powerful than he realizes.  Cliche. He also doesn’t realize the sword he 'borrowed’ from his father is more powerful than it is. Cliche.  Andar just thinks it’s a regular sword.  But, in truth, it’s a reality-warping blade, that affects foes and friends by the wishes of the wielder’s soul, once a certain supernatural 'key’ is obtained by the wielder, unlocking its hidden potential, which is hidden for very good reasons. Wat? Andar has no idea, and is really surprised–having to learn and grow with his sword–that his father changed his identity, and locked the sword up, for very good reasons.  What Andar’s father knows, and what he could do, could literally shatter their universe.  Andar, in his trials through the book, matures, grows more world weary, loses a slight bit of his naivete (he’s pretty naive, and that doesn’t really change.  It’s his nature.), and comes to understand what massive responsibility he must undertake, to become a greatly burdened champion for their universe, and often underappreciated or still disliked, even through his trials, by the other denizens of the universe. This is really not laid out very well and for that reason I’m having a hard time figuring out what’s going on. It’s okay if Andar doesn’t know the details, but as the author you have to, and you have to know them well enough to be able to coherently describe them to a third party. 

Andar is not powerful physically.  In fact, he’s one of the weakest, physically, people in his universe.  He’s just a Human, after all.  There are other species in the universe that are far more powerful, just physically.  And, in this 'verse, magic is as common as breathing, naturally understood at a basic level at birth, shaping their entire universe’s reality.  Andar doesn’t care much for magic: not enough flash for him.  However, he was raised by a foster-like mother, a Light Elemental, after Andar’s mother died giving birth to him, who taught Andar light-concentration magic, which brought Andar down the Paladin road.  Though Andar cannot heal–even though there’s restorative magic in the 'verse–he can light up the darkness, blind his enemies, and is know to use his light for making flashy gestures and doing all kinds of other stuff that seems cool to him.  To the few, but exceedingly loving friends Andar has, to the enemies that have learned to respect him, and to his powerful allies in the 'verse that understand him truly, Andar is the Brightfist: for his habit of clinching his fist when making an exaggerated, bold statement, where he likes to use light magic in his clinched palm to make light seep through his fingers and fist.  He does this clinched fist thing A LOT, because it’s a good show, and Andar is all about putting on a good show, particularly for his fans, which are looked down on by other people as just being freakin’ weird, to like Andar. Okay.

Andar’s strengths, however, is his drive (he desperately wants to be known as a hero), his nobility (he cannot stand people picking on the weak, even though he doesn’t have much power himself), great oratory skills (he practices in a mirror), his greatsword Sunder (formerly known as Shatter, when it was his father’s, which can cut through anything Andar wills, including reality and Gods) which he has to first discover and grow with, and his ability to make friends with anyone, which is his true strength.

The single, most prevalent, worst mistake almost every enemy Andar has ever faced, is focusing on Andar as their opponent.  Andar is very easy, and understandable to underestimate.  In fact, so long as you stay out of Sunder’s reach, almost anyone can stomp Andar.  And he does get stomped a few times, by people who realize Sunder is Andar’s only game.

Andar’s friends, however, are some of the most powerful characters in the universe.  In fact, one of them, who is the greatest magic prodigy in the universe, hated Andar at first, but learned to appreciate what Andar did and represented over time, so that Andar can call on his mage friend at any time, who comes over when enemies need to explode, for the sake of the universe.

Over the course of the stories, Andar builds up a retinue consisting of literal Godkillers, who would walk through the Gates of Hell alongside Andar, if he so choose, giving Andar his greatest power: ultra-powerful, devoted friends who can bring the pain Andar cannot, making him a sort of Lord that naturally attracts all sorts of far more powerful but fealtous friends, who help Andar achieve his noble, heroic goals, Andar himself cannot.

All that being said, Andar tends to stick his nose in everything where he thinks he can help, sometimes unwelcomed and unappreciated.  He cannot let injustice stand, and is very self-sacrifical about the weak and innocent.  Along with his trademark naivete, Andar gets himself in a good deal of trouble with his well-intended crusading.  Some people just don’t want him there, at all.  Many that don’t want him there, consider him just a naive, pretentious little kid playing hero, which is a fair assessment.  Andar is naive.  He’s incredibly optimistic, often missing or non considering the brutal reality of a situation before he gets into it.  Acting before thinking gets him into a lot of trouble.  But, if you need Andar, you can call any time, he will come and stay until the job is done, no matter how much he has to bleed to see right done.

Overall, though, since he is a parody of your typical fantasy character, just a Human, and pretty powerless himself, naive, intrusive, pretentious, and fairly vain, and not a lot of people actually do like him in the universe (though the ones that do tend to have a lot of power and influence), you can probably see why I have such a hard time making this character likeable.  In fact, he’s much less popular than his supporting cast, who tend to steal the show from him in the book, and in the universe.

I noticed your advertisement on /r/writing and threw together a tidied-up version basically what I’m using as notes on my main ‘protagonist’. I’d love to hear some feed back that isn’t the regular “I think it’s pretty cool” that I get from those in my own writing circles. If looking for another place to post something, us in /r/fantasywriters are pretty open to this sort of thing too, I believe. Anyhow,

Kay.

Setting: A realistic Pseudo-Renaissance world with touches of magic at is rarely interacted with and matters not at all for Sara. The main areas are very Slavic influenced with most of their design and style drawn from Poland and Russia at the time.

sounds ok to me

Name: Sara-Ivonne “Red” Thandiah

Age: 26.

Sexuality: Doesn’t matter much for the plot or the person.

Okay. This is a good thing to note--these kinds of details should be RELEVANT. If they’re not, MAKE THEM.

Appearance and mannerisms: Green-eyes and red hair, these two things might be the first you see if looking for colour on the otherwise drab tan-and-dull brown figure. Prettiness is not her strong suit, being passable and no-where near stunning. However, height and fitness are, if woman’s basketball were to exist in this world you’d expect to see her in it, and still a shy amount taller than most of the others. Her complexity is fair, but tanner than the current region – she’s a foreigner no doubt. Much of her face, and the little other bare skin is quite grubby, covered in mud, a little rust and woodchips, and lots of now-dry sweat. Her clothes would be of a quality material, but almost as grubby as elsewhere and lacking any fine detail – obviously with keen eyes one would see she could afford the best on the market of both arms and garb, but did not flaunt it in the slightest. If you’d question the lack of appearance, a response would quickly be uttered with a shrug along the lines of “I’m used to it”. Her way of speech is loud and heavily emotional with scowls following the bad parts and fierce grins the great.

The parts about the grubbiness and the fact that she looks foreign seem really important, so good job. I’d almost leave out the parts mentioning how attractive/not attractive she is because they don’t seem terribly relevant. This whole passage could use some editing however.

Backstory: (I’m allowed to write it from her mouth right? It’s a bit difficult managing to describe her history flatly; as much of it is veiled heavily in her own, or another character’s should they be the narrator, biases and limited POV. As the writer, I’m not even sure if I know the truth behind half of it. Her telling it allows me to introduce personality too without using words that might or might not fit precisely.)

Okay. We can try this but I can’t guarantee I’ll like it.

“My past? Look, I don’t want to talk much about it. Sure, I’m a stable individual with dreams of drinking my nights away and filling the sunlit hours in-between with violent bouts of sword-swinging and spear-shafting directed at the closest trainee, target dummy, or bandit in sight. Back then; well, it was worse. My father I never saw; Greene said he was a jerk, Yellow also said he was a jerk, as did basically anyone who ever met the man; they’d always be like: ‘Thandiah? Like that jerk Jamus?’. Anyhow, he died before I was born - or just after - something like that, I can’t remember.”

Okay, cool. Not a huge fan of the first part because it has nothing to do with her backstory and is just cluttering this whole thing up.

Red gulps down a swig of her labeless bottle of what appears to be a hard liquor, cringing at the taste before hunching over the table again to continue.

This tells me a little bit about her but again, doesn’t really belong in a backstory.

“Mother was a camp who-'follower’. She ran away fast too, not into the grave like my father, just away to never be seen again. This was 'the moment I didn’t need 'er’, as quoted by Yellow. I think he had a thing for her before my father snagged the prize, but that doesn’t matter. Anyhow, with both paternal parents completely gone by about four years old, I somehow ended up being adopted by my father’s men-in-arms.

Okay. Why did they take in a four year old, though? Men-in-arms probably have better things to do than look after children.

This group of rowdy fellows were called the 'Rainbow Brigade’ by basically every other division in the army - which belonged to our homeland, Tudos Petrae, and seemed to never be off call for more than a few months at a time. While all the levies were off minding their business farming or hunting turtles by the lake, we were in the front lines, or patrolling, or ‘relaxing’ at the closest city to the fort we were supposed to be stationed at. Reasoning behind our name was something that started with Greene, who was the man who 'officially unofficially’ adopted me, and turn out not being a jerk like my real father presumably was. His  last name led to the all-of-a-sudden event of everyone in the unit being named after a colour of the wheel due to one reason or another. I got Red, from my hair and the simple fact that it wasn’t taken. They like to laugh that both the moniker I was given, and the colour of my hair are due to my personality; in return they get bruises – I’m sure the situation was the other way around.

Why are they laughing at the name she was given? And why is a four year old punching adults? I do not understand why this would be tolerated.

I was killing by eight or so, not that anyone knew my birthday so we all have to guess. This wasn’t real fighting - just sticking a stake through the necks of those that fell into the spike-filled trenches and were still wiggling. I’m not sure what sort of foul grog the gang were drinking then when they came up with the idea of sending a child to mop up camp moats; though I have to imagine it was not only strong, but being fed to me. By twelve I was battle-field cleanup duty, we were at war then completely – the entire nation at arms over some silly squabble for a few borning hills housed by a handful of pigs and their herders. By, 15 and we were winning so even then I barely saw much real combat for the next two years; I had my mail on and my sword drawn.”

What happens by 15?

She coughs, heavily and with no attempt of covering her mouth.

“I was on the front lines for a long time in the war that immediately followed the one we won; lost a lot of friends, and made a few too. Fell in love twice and broke it both times - the living of the two men is still my closest friend; though, nothing burns between us now but the unrelenting desire to pay for the tavern bill at the end of the night. I won a very minor tourney once too, whacked up a few lordlings and called it a day. I’ve wasted a lot of years - and the death of Greene in the previous one has shown me that. These days I continue to work for my country. The Grand Duke pays for 'all expenses’, and I do his dirty-work. I’ve got a lot of free time, and I’m up for wasting more of it. Turns out, that’s why I’m here – bored and looking for a bit of fun to keep my sword arm stretched and my tongue quick.” Summary:

Premise: This was my first Fan Character. I’ve revised her for years, and while I siphoned off a lot of her “Sue-ish” qualities, I purposely kept others to see if I could use these stereotypical tendencies and still create a (hopefully?) well-developed character. That’s not how one creates a well-developed character. One creates a well-developed character by giving them strengths and weaknesses. When you do this you are likely to just make an anti-sue.

I apologize in advance that her existence makes the series AU. She’s the main character for a Tragedy/Hurt/Comfort fanfiction (are you cringing yet?). Not really. Give me time.

She is also my attempt to write a character with a physical disability. However, I don’t want her disability to define who she is, since that often seems to happen. And I dislike that. A lot. The deficiency I’ve given her, so far as I know, does not exist within Naruto. However, I wanted to write a Naruto character whose greatest asset (chakra and its uses) was also her greatest handicap. Wasn’t Rock Lee essentially this? I also have to say one thing: DISABILITIES DEFINE WHO YOU ARE. You cannot make a character with a disability and not make that disability define who they are. To do so is rather insulting to those of us who really are disabled.

Thank you for your help. I truly appreciate it.

Fandom: Naruto

Name: Rika Ono

Village: The Hidden Leaf

Affliliation:

ROOT/Leaf Village (former)

Akatsuki Lackey/ Spy for the Hidden Leaf Village (current)

Okay I guess.

Age: 21 (pre-Shippuden)

Background: Rika Ono was born toward the end of the 3rd Shinobi World War. Her parents, determined to protect their children, sheltered them from the backlash for as long as possible. At least this was a real thing.

It wasn’t until her fifth year of life that the fantasy first began collapsing: her father was publicly stripped of his title as a Shinobi, casting humiliation on the family. Her mother, being met with hostility for her husband’s actions, was also forced to resign from Konoha’s military. Their income nearly ceased altogether. Sounds like they didn’t do much to shelter their children, really.

Despite this, her parents hid their troubles well, and so Rika grew up without worrying too much. The only major concern rested in her father’s health. He had a hereditary deficiency that left his body unable to channel chakra properly. I would have worried quite a lot if my parents suddenly have no money. As a matter of fact, I lived through this for a while. You can’t just hide it from your kids. They know. They worry. Allow her to feel instead of brushing it off.

During her youth, Rika saw nothing but the goodness that her parents displayed. Therefore, the glares they received while walking through town didn’t match her expectations and angered her. After throwing several tantrums in public, which consisted in her yelling at both the villagers and her parents for allowing themselves to be bullied, her parents grew stricter. Uhh, what? This doesn’t make any sense. At least she realizes that her family is fucked, but her throwing tantrums and/or her parents becoming stricter aren’t really reasonable reactions to this. Wouldn’t they be worried about their own situation and/or sympathetic toward her?

To keep her from exacerbating the situation, they threatened to punish her if she continued to act disrespectfully to the others. Although unable to understand the selflessness behind this request, she tried to follow their rules and avoid being punished. In time she learned to hide her resentment toward the other villagers, taking cues from her parents. But didn’t you just say she was angry at her parents? Wouldn’t this cause MORE rebellion? In addition, just *threatening* to punish doesn’t really count as stricter.

When she turned 6 she was enrolled in the Academy. Rather than working to gain the approval of the villagers, she strived to become a great shinobi that her parents could take pride in, especially since they displayed so little of their own. The only obstacle to overcome was her body’s limitations, since rigorous chakra training would cause her to experience unnaturally fierce bouts of pain. Isn’t she six? That’s a lofty goal for a kid who’s barely old enough to stop eating crayons.

Seeing the early onset of her father’s deficiency within Rika, doctors told her family that using her chakra system too often would break down the muscles and joints surrounding it. The breakdown would begin causing her more consistent, immense pain as she grew older and would lower her life expectancy. Like her father, she was put on expensive painkillers that the family couldn’t afford. Did naruto even have painkillers? Didn’t they have healer shinobi that did stuff like this? In my immense naruto fandom I once had I never once remembered painkillers being a part of the series, or any medication at all for that matter.

Chakra control became a priority. Her parents often trained with her to ensure she learned how to conserve her chakra efficiently, hoping it would prolong her life and lessen the pain. Her teachers encouraged her to pursue genjutsu as she got older. Mind techniques, rather than physical techniques, would be more beneficial because the early deterioration of her physical strength was inevitable. Wouldn’t this still wear down her chakra? Wouldn’t it make more sense for her to just…like…not be a ninja at all?

Three years later, her family’s monetary security hit an all-time low, and Rika finally noticed the sacrifices her parents had been making. Her irritation with them washed away, and she and her sister tried performing small tasks to help gather money. Things seemed to be improving until her younger brother also began displaying symptoms of the deficiency. But it sounds like she noticed earlier when the villagers were mad. Not to mention a nine year old is not old enough to understand something so complex, and would likely not magically stop being mad.

Her parents agreed that the easiest way to get good money quickly was to be reinstated as ninja. They scheduled a meeting with the Village Council, but it was decided that her father could only be reinstated if he agreed to cede the thing he had originally deserted his post for: a part of his family. As a representation of this loyalty to the village above family, one child would be trained and serve under the shrewdest councilor, Danzo. If either of Rika’s parents acted out of line, the child would take the repercussions. This ensured their fealty.

Uhh, what? This makes no sense at all to me. Doesn’t her father have the same chakra thing that she does? That should in theory make him incapable of becoming a ninja.

Originally Rika’s older sister was selected, but Danzo persuaded her parents to give up Rika on collection day instead. Rather than sacrificing their only healthy child, who actually had a chance at a normal life, he stated that they should be more willing to part with their younger daughter. Outraged, her parents were ready to throw Danzo out of their home and call everything off, but Rika had overheard the discussion. Feeling that it was her turn to make a sacrifice, just as her parents had done all these years, she offered to go in her sister’s place. This makes no sense either. Rika is physically disabled and would have a shortened lifespan. She has MORE chance at a normal life *if she is not a ninja*. This is tragedy for tragedy’s sake, and is ignoring her disability. If she cannot use chakra, and using chakra could KILL HER, it makes no sense that she is a ninja! You got me?

After the meeting, at the age of 10, she began training every day after school to become an unofficial member of ROOT. It was difficult, both physically and mentally, and the precautions taken against her chakra usage were ignored. She often came home with joint pains, her body covered in injuries, and her mind taxed. Again, it doesn’t make sense for her to be a ninja.

Seeing the agony that her situation caused her parents, Rika gradually began to hide her turbulent emotions and her injuries. Again she struggled to act as a shinobi her parents could be proud of, but this time the goal seemed unobtainable, considering ROOT’s darker nature. Knowing that things would never improve, she began to deceive her family. She would feign contentment and say that she valued the opportunities ROOT gave her. Still doesn’t make sense for her to be a ninja. You would also think her father, KNOWING what was going on here and what it is like to have this problem, would not fall for this deceit.

Soon enough her parents accepted this front, and while Rika was proud of her deceptive skill and happy to spare them, she became ever lonelier. Emotions and interactions began to appear false to her—after all, if she was able to weave a false reality for her own family, how could she prove no one was doing the same to her? What was genuine and what was artifice, and how could anyone tell the difference? She began to perceive reality as malleable: as something that could be manipulated at will. This is probably the only thing that makes any sense here.

Thus her unhealthy relationship with genjutsu began. It embodied everything that seemed to hold her life together: illusion and deception. She honed her skill, all the while growing colder and more cynical. But genjutsu still requires chakra. So she’s basically killing herself by practicing the one form of chakra that for plot-related reasons does not kill or severely weaken her.

Her negative emotions continued until she met Kase. Being the same age as her and also being in ROOT, she found his presence comforting. Slowly, she began to genuinely smile again. Okay, cool, she’s 12 and already has a very obvious and contrived love interest.

By the time they were 13, they were both assigned a mission to guard Nishio, the daughter of one of the Land of Fire’s ambassadors. They posed as her teammates in the Academy, graduating alongside her and participating in the chuunin exams. Again she began opening up more, which allowed her to act civilly toward her other ROOT teammates, despite their adamancy to avoid displaying emotion. What is an adamancy to avoid displaying emotions? Do you mean she doesn’t like displaying them? Because she warmed up to her contrived love interest awful fast.

Nishio was eventually told the true nature of Kase and Rika’s mission, but the three remained friends. After the chuunin exams, the group disbanded for a time to pursue their own strengths. Rika was given permission to train under Jiraiya. However, realizing that her affinity with summoning didn’t match with his, their time was short lived. He found her a more suitable master and departed. Okay. So it makes sense she’d leave but it still makes no sense that she’s a ninja.

The training with her summoning master lasted until she was 15, at which point Danzo ordered her to return to the village. Around this time he had started planning a covert mission to wipe out the Uchiha. Okay.

Along with Rika, Kase and multiple others were recruited for the mission. They trained for a year, preparing constantly to combat the Uchiha. This was done without the permission of the other council members, and Rika’s unit was sworn to secrecy. Again she became colder as she was forced to keep more secrets from her family and Nishio. Why is she a high powered ninja? She shouldn’t be a ninja at all! She can’t safely use chakra!

Before ROOT’s covert mission could take place, Itachi volunteered to perform the deed himself. While the offer came as a surprise to Danzo, he nonetheless kept his team together. They were told to think of the mission as active until Itachi completed his part. When he did, the group was disbanded. Meh.

However, over the next year, several of the ROOT members who had been assigned to the Uchiha Massacre were killed. Believing there was a defector, the unit became suspicious of one another, until they eventually believed Kase was the double agent. Rika’s trust broke at this revelation, causing her to cut ties with nearly everyone. For the first time she stopped pretending everything was okay and lashed out at her family and Nishio. As the murders continued, she grew more paranoid and aggressive, especially when working with Kase. When the three went out to celebrate Rika’s 17th birthday together, the night ended with a huge argument. She and Kase left on worse terms than before.

Okay. This still makes no sense though. Why would she suddenly snap? This strikes me as the ‘break the cutie’ thing that other critic we all know and love talks about all the time. 

These sentiments held until he, too, was killed. The unit of ROOT members, then realizing that they were being systematically wiped out under Danzo’s orders, came up with a solution of their own. Rather than allowing him to eliminate them all, they decided to stage an insurrection of their own.  Using a single scapegoat, the person would kill several of the remaining members. This would hopefully allay Danzo’s paranoia at having such a large group know about the massacre while keeping his involvement a secret. Meanwhile, the scapegoat would plead immunity for the rest. Through random draw, Rika was selected. Would she not be the first target due to the fact that she cannot safely use chakra, and therefore is probably kind of a shitty ninja?

Although other members volunteered, feeling she was too young, Rika consented. In her mind she had ruined every meaningful relationship beyond repair, and without them, the village meant little to her. She decided that being the scapegoat and leaving, rather than dying or guiltily living with her family, was a befitting fate. WHY? Why would she be randomly given this duty? Because she ‘consented’? Other people VOLUNTEERED!

The night came for her team to enact the plan, and it worked (not that she had much to do, since everyone she killed didn’t fight back). She left the village, having gained immunity for the remaining members, and fled a traitor after threatening the councilors. On top of gaining immunity for the other members, she also bargained for her family. She made the councilors promise to publicly apologize to her father, and in return she would gather information to protect the village and guard the secrets she was privy to. Grudgingly, they accepted all the terms.

Soooo basically she’s Itachi Uchiha.

The next few years of her life were a wreck. Struggling to maintain her sanity, she roamed aimlessly for while. Her nomadic lifestyle left no money for medication, and so she experienced the unmitigated pain that stemmed from her disease for the first time. *Rather than bemoaning this misfortune, she viewed the pain as one of her few tethers to reality. Protip: Painkillers don’t eliminate pain, they simply dull it.

Rika has gaps in her memory from this time, largely due to relapses where she could act coherently before loosing touch with things again. It is after one of the lapses that she resurfaced to see Konan in her Akatsuki uniform. The pattern of the cloak struck a chord with her and she began to follow the woman, using it as a tangible hold on reality. When she learned that Akatsuki posed a threat to the Hidden Leaf Village, she saw it as an opportunity to keep her promise and gather information. Okay? But isn’t she crazy?

Thus the story begins. She is an unofficial lackey for the Akatsuki who secretly collects information for Danzo (who doesn’t share with the other councilors, but he’s an ass who seems to do that a lot).

* When caught in a genjutsu, ninjas can either disrupt the caster’s chakra or use pain as a way to break the illusion. Because Rika experiences lapses that make her question if her reality is merely an elaborate genjutsu, she sometimes uses pain to ensure it isn’t a trick. She consistently prefers this option because it conserves her chakra, and in a twisted way, she believes she deserves it.

Oh wow. Believes she deserves pain. This isn’t the most cliche thing ever.

Attacks:

Summoning Jutsu: Birds.

Their wind-style attacks create force behind her own jutsu, allowing her to use less chakra. This can make her fire-style attacks stronger by “fanning the flames” with their help.

They also allow her to utilize genjutsu by echoing the sound of their songs and disorienting opponents. 

She can rely on the larger ones as transportation when her joints are being uncooperative.

Genjutsu expert: Rika excels in genjutsu because of her intelligence, chakra control, and extensive training in the art.

She is decent in taijutsu (hand-to-hand combat), but is more of a long-range type fighter. As the series progresses, her physical capability to fight decreases drastically.

Rika’s story concerns her coming to terms with her past, learning to trust in others again, and allowing herself to look toward a brighter future. Lol.

Author’s note: I hope this wasn’t too long… I’ve rewritten this 5 times, hand-copied it 3 (hoping that would force me to shorten it), but alas… All of these things contributed to make her who she is in the current storyline. :/ But that’s likely my own bias talking. Maybe having someone rip her apart will show me which parts are unnecessary?

Let’s talk about facial expressions a bit. There are a few common facial expressions that are way overused. Unless your character has a nervous tick and it’s a plot point, you really shouldn’t be using these all the time and should probably avoid them entirely. Cocking of eyebrows

How many people can cock their eyebrows? Like 25%? And most of them don’t do it every seven seconds in response to everything. Sure, your character is confused or intrigued. Show it some other way because I’m sure they’re not actually cocking their eyebrows every sixteen seconds.

Biting of lips Is your character perpetually hungry and just always wants a snack? If not, why are his (or more often her) lips in her mouth? Why is she biting them? Do they taste good? Is the texture pleasant? When I see this a lot I can only think that the character is physically chewing their lips off, and this can’t be healthy.

Rolling of eyes

Are they stuck to the ceiling? There must be something mighty interesting up there because your character just rolled their eyes for the fifteenth time in the last two paragraphs. Maybe they have a lazy eye. I mostly see this with teenage characters.

There are some things to think about here that I sort of don’t think a lot of people consider. Set and setting encompasses more than where your characters live, breathe, and act. It also affects your writing.  One of the things I see all the time is people using totally unnecessary or even inappropriate similes to describe stuff that’s in their writing. When you are writing something, you must consider how your characters would view it. Even when you are writing from an omniscient point of view, you must consider what your character would and would not know about as well as how they experience the world before you put words onto paper. So you want to write a story set in a frozen wasteland. Cool. It’s a unique setting, and there’s a lot you can do there.  Now think day to day about your character’s daily experiences. Consider some things:

-Are there vehicles in their world? If there aren’t, sayings like ‘all aboard’ or similar probably aren’t going to make any sense. Don’t use them.

-They have probably never felt the warmth of the sun. Comparing ANYTHING in the story to the warmth of the sun is going to throw your readers out of the story. If your character does not know it exists, it doesn’t exist. -What is their culture like? If the culture is very regressive, it makes no sense for your character to be all free and forward-thinking about issues like sex and sexual identity. Make it fit the setting.