Age of Scorpius by Milo Winter, Page 1-4, Critique.
Edit after the fact: In an effort to not dead name people I've tried to change all of the dead names to Milo and all of the pronouns referring to him to he/him pronouns. I might have missed a few, but I assure you, none of it is vindictive or intentional. I sincerely apologize if I have done so. I know how important pronouns are and no matter how wrong the other person is or is not, dead naming and using wrong pronouns is not excusable.
Context: I have worked minorly as a Pro editor, though for manga.
I also have read a wide variety of books which spurred me to do "Worldwide Story Structures" and I try to read diversely within various contexts, such as being able to break for queer history in Korean film.
I'm also ND, though not autistic. As such, I don't mind slow starts, but I'm quick to point out where things feel like they aren't congealing properly.
I am not a fan of the whole trying to one up anyone and I have no skin in this game whatsoever besides being an author. I did not purchase the book at any point. I'm not using it to promote my own work, and I super hate people dogpiling to make fun of someone. All comments are meant to be constructive.
The pages I retrieved from Tiktok here: https://www.tiktok.com/@audrawrites/video/7516019233134775582
Please do not dog pile, act like it's schadenfreude or generally act like a superior asshole. I will disown you and your actions. I'm only linking it to show that I didn't "make up the pages" in question.
Please also don't reblog on the intention of "making fun of him" and general put down. I understand the controversy, but totally not interested in that and more looking towards constructive criticism of not his actions, but of his writing.
I'm posting the original image, retyping his words by hands and then posting the general critique. The images are for evidence in case I mistype something. And the retyping is for people who are blind of Low vision, or need to generally use readers. (I didn't put it into Alt tags)
The level I'm critiquing this to, is with a mind towards publishing, as supposed to a hobbyist.
Someone had rewritten the history of Conviction Woods, the cursed forest I called home. Despite all the texts describing Conviction Woods as eternally inhabitable, there were hundred of wartime artifacts scattered amongst the forests' grounds. The records had been altered to hide the truth of Gardian's last war, a truth that allowed the Woods to protect those mysteriously meant to survive beyond its boundaries.
I lingered on the edge of the farthest northern reach of Conviction Woods. Before me stood a crumbled and dilapidated stone arch, old runic etched across its surface, worn away by the structure returning to the earth. A few fallen stones lay scattered across the surrounding ground, freezing into the dirt as ancient remnants conjoined with snow and soil. Beyond the arch's gaping mouth laid Assiduous's barren territory.
Assiduous's barren territory, and its occupants who didn't want me meandering on their land. It was too late for me to trace the rest of the runic on the arch. It'd only recorded the lower carvings, my arms too short to reach the tallest stones. I let my eyes linger on the writing to try to memorize the patterns. The clock ticked as enemies neared, and while my feet drew me away from the arch, my mind bent around the writing.
The arch's inscription must've been centuries old. I'd never, in any of my studies, seen a combination of Union languages on an artifact. Mixing two Union languages was almost unfathomable to modern-day society; besides our common tongue, Gardian prioritized the separation of the four UnionsâConviction, Assiduous, Autarchic, Societalâin their own societies and territories. Even more intriguing, the arch dated back to a war where Conviction and Assiduous were enemies, a combination of the two languages was further proof Gardian's recorded history was wrong.
I had spent months scouring over records, libraries, ad books to pinpoint the location of the arch as soon as I spotted it mentioned in a 300-year-old document. My research eventually revealed that the arch was placed in Assidian territory on the edges of the Woods at the border, though that could've spanned hundreds of miles from the eastern part of the Hub, Gardian's shared centralized city, to the coastline of the continent. To trace the steps of ancient battles to the coordinates of the arch was a tedious process requiring my nose to be stuck in at least two dozen scrolls within the past couple of months.
Deciphering the runic on the arch was my next step to decoding the true history of Conviction Woods, and the moment I finally found it, an Assidian border patrol just had to be thereâof course.
There was no doubt about it. The two of them had spotted me. I'd stepped past the 10-foot wide path into Assidian territory where the arch stood, and they were headed straight toward me.
I backed up to Conviction Woods, safely passing beyond the aura of protect set on the trees. A faint shimmering aura of gold, green, and silver light flickering and shifted around the lanterns as I settled into Conviction's territory on the opposite side of the trail. Although it was a
remarkably visible barrier, many Assidians, especially new recruits, were stupid enough to break through it, no matter how many times their Stellarium higher-ups warned them.
The two patrollers were approaching, both wearing thick winter cloaks with fur hoods. The man wore a forest green embroidered with the Assidian emblem and Taurus glyph, while the woman flaunted an umber coat with the Virgo glyph.
"You saw her, didn't you?" said the Taurus man. At the arch?"
"Yes," the Virgo woman responded. "She wouldn't have had time to run north or south on the East Trail."
"So... she went into Conviction Woods?"
"Not a chance. She wouldn't survive."
"Are you sure you saw a red cloak?"
"I'm certain, and I'm tired of you doubting my every word."
They couldn't have been much older than twenty-five. Young and inexperienced was what the Assidian Stellarium looked to employ, an easy job that made a steady income, enough to providea young adult enough to live. Conviction hired guards for the same purpose, though our border patrols were less necessary along the trails, as outsiders from different Unions would rarely volunteer themselves to wander into Conviction Woods.
"You're sure she went in there?" the Taurus asked again.
"Yes." She rolled her eyes. "where else do you suppose she disappeared to?"
The two of them stood in front of the Woods, curiously staring at what they saw as a forest empty of occupants. I wasn't visible past the aura that shielded and hid any entity who could survive beyond the boundaries.
"She wouldn't survive," he repeated.
The Virgo crossed her arms. "I still think they made it up."
"Who? What?" He raised his brows. "Who made what up?"
"The Conviction Stellarium. They made up the whole 'Conviction Woods is deadly' thing to keep us out. Have you ever talked to someone who has actually been a beast?"
"No, and that's because they don't survive when they see one." He shivered and took a step back. "I say we leave it. She's gone. We can hang out here for a bit in case she comes back."
"This isn't worth it for a raise. It's one girl. Even if we catch her, we probably won't get much from it."
"Not is she's a Scorpio. Her capture would cover us for months." Her determined eyes were set on the space where I stood. "I didn't hear any screams. We would've heard if she was attacked."
"This is absurd. I'm not going in there." The Tuarus took another step back. "No way. Absolutely not. Even they won't go in there. Good luck, you're on your own."
"You're a coward. I won't go far."
They, as in Convictionists. The guy wasn't wrongânormally, the Woods didn't make exceptions for anyone regardless of Union, despite being part of Conviction's territory.
But my family was proof that there were exceptions, somehow, someway, and I would find out why.
Someone [Someone is a weak start] had rewritten the history of Conviction Woods, the cursed forest I called home. Despite all the texts describing Conviction Woods as eternally [un]inhabitable, there were hundred of wartime artifacts scattered amongst the forests' grounds. The records had been altered to hide the truth of Gardian's last war, a truth that allowed the Woods to protect those mysteriously meant to survive beyond its boundaries. [Info dumping. Well for European-derived media. There isn't enough to set it up as a tone as in Eastern media or in Latine or Indigenous Peoples of North, Central, South America or The Pacific. To do that you need atmospheric detail. In general, a lot of repetition.]
I lingered on the edge of the farthest northern reach of Conviction Woods. Before me stood a crumbled and dilapidated stone arch, old runic etched across its surface, worn away by the structure returning to the earth. A few fallen stones lay scattered across the surrounding ground, freezing into the dirt as ancient remnants conjoined with snow and soil. [Try: A tall stone arch was crumbling with the keystone block broken across the snow. Runes carved and worn with moss.]
Beyond the arch's gaping mouth laid Assiduous's barren territory. [Awkward wording. Beyond the threshold was Assiduous's barren lands.]
Assiduous's barren territory, and its occupants who didn't want me meandering on their land. It was too late for me to trace the rest of the runic on the arch. It'd only recorded the lower carvings, my arms too short to reach the tallest stones. I let my eyes linger on the writing to try to memorize the patterns. The clock ticked as enemies neared, and while my feet drew me away from the arch, my mind bent around the writing. [Repetitive to next paragraph. And info dumping. Dump and store.]
The arch's inscription must've been centuries old. I'd never, in any of my studies, seen a combination of Union languages on an artifact. Mixing two Union languages was almost unfathomable to modern-day society; besides our common tongue, Gardian prioritized the separation of the four UnionsâConviction, Assiduous, Autarchic, Societalâin their own societies and territories. Even more intriguing, the arch dated back to a war where Conviction and Assiduous were enemies, a combination of the two languages was further proof Gardian's recorded history was wrong. [more info dumping, no setting up of tone.]
I had spent months scouring over records, libraries, and books to pinpoint the location of the arch as soon as I spotted it mentioned in a 300-year-old document. [Run-on] My research eventually revealed that the arch was placed in Assidian territory on the edges of the Woods at the border, though that could've spanned hundreds of miles from the eastern part of the Hub, Gardian's shared centralized city, to the coastline of the continent. To trace the steps of ancient battles to the coordinates of the arch was a tedious process requiring my nose to be stuck in at least two dozen scrolls within the past couple of months. [Save and Dump and bring back when relevant.]
Deciphering the runic on the arch was my next step to decoding the true history of Conviction Woods [Instead of this, why is it pivotal and important to the character. Even a little tip of motivations.], and the moment I finally found it, an Assidian border patrol just had to be thereâof course. [Bring in sensory information to cue the border patrol.]
There was no doubt about it. The two of them had spotted me. [This contradicts what is said later on. This is a symptom of either bad editing, bad planning or improvise writing that didn't get edited.] I'd stepped past the 10-foot wide path into Assidian territory where the arch stood, and they were headed straight toward me. [There is no sense of urgency about this. Refine the verbs and sentence length to get there.]
I backed up to Conviction Woods, safely passing beyond the aura of protect set on the trees. [No urgency again.] A faint shimmering aura of gold, green, and silver light flickering and shifted around the lanterns as I settled into Conviction's territory on the opposite side of the trail. [The sentences are run-on and one subject is tacked onto the other. Needs to be fixed.] Although it was a remarkably visible barrier, many Assidians, especially new recruits, were stupid enough to break through it, no matter how many times their Stellarium higher-ups warned them. [This is a show, don't tell moment, and if you had done this in the following paragraphs, it would have been more exciting.]
The two patrollers were approaching, [repetition, again, missing urgency] both wearing thick winter cloaks with fur hoods. The man wore a forest green embroidered [cloak] with the Assidian emblem and Taurus glyph with a fur hood, [.] while t[T]he woman flaunted an umber coat with the Virgo glyph. [Repetition and contradiction. Better to start with the man, with basic features, stature, and then introduce the clothing and position in relation to the woman.]
"You saw her, didn't you?" said the Taurus man. "At the arch?" [This makes it sound like they don't know each other. But later dialogue indicates they know each other. Which is it?]
"Yes," the Virgo woman responded. "She wouldn't have had time to run north or south on the East Trail." [Again, they don't know each other.]
"So... she went into Conviction Woods?" [Repetitive and lacking urgency.]
"Not a chance. She wouldn't survive." [Confused here, because she was the one that pointed towards the woods in the first place. Dialogue needs to be refined.]
"Are you sure you saw a red cloak?"
"I'm certain, and I'm tired of you doubting my every word." [Flat dialogue, suddenly they know each other.]
They couldn't have been much older than twenty-five. Young and inexperienced was what the Assidian Stellarium looked to employ, an easy job that made a steady income, enough to provide a young adult enough to live. Conviction hired guards for the same purpose, though our border patrols were less necessary along the trails, as outsiders from different Unions would rarely volunteer themselves to wander into Conviction Woods. [Massive info dump. Save for later. Might work if you made it a singular thought. These kids couldn't be over twenty-five or something similar rather than a huge paragraph explaining.]
"You're sure she went in there?" the Taurus asked again.
"Yes." She rolled her eyes. "where else do you suppose she disappeared to?" [Flat dialogue and repetition. Cut. There is a lack of urgency. Why do we care that they are after her?]
The two of them stood in front of the Woods, curiously staring at what they saw as a forest empty of occupants. I wasn't visible past the aura that shielded and hid any entity who could survive beyond the boundaries. [Doesn't add anything to the events, character or story. Hard cut.]
"She wouldn't survive," he repeated. [cut]
The Virgo crossed her arms. "I still think they made it up."
"Who? What?" He raised his brows. "Who made what up?"
"The Conviction Stellarium. They made up the whole 'Conviction Woods is deadly' thing to keep us out. Have you ever talked to someone who has actually been a beast?" [Repetition]
"No, and that's because they don't survive when they see one." He shivered and took a step back. "I say we leave it. She's gone. We can hang out here for a bit in case she comes back."
"This isn't worth it for a raise. It's one girl. Even if we catch her, we probably won't get much from it." [Cut, refine dialogue]
"Not is she's a Scorpio. Her capture would cover us for months." Her determined eyes were set on the space where I stood.[Shouldn't she be the one convincing him to go into the woods, not the reverse? Dialogue feels like it belongs to the wrong character.]
"I didn't hear any screams. We would've heard if she was attacked." [This feels like convincing to *not* go into the Woods: She's not in there, there's no screaming.]
"This is absurd. I'm not going in there." The Taurus took another step back. "No way. Absolutely not. Even they won't go in there. Good luck, you're on your own." [Cut, repetition and not that convincing.]
"You're a coward." I won't go far." [Cut, extraneous]
They, as in Convictionists. The guy wasn't wrongânormally, the Woods didn't make exceptions for anyone regardless of Union[.], despite being part of Conviction's territory.
But my family was proof that there were exceptions, somehow, someway, and I would find out why.
I know it's woods, with ruins and a rumored monster.
I like the idea of an archaeology mission, that's more like archaeology over the Indiana Jones version of more of a relic hunter.
The Zodiac setup isn't bad, though I'd like more of an indication of powers (though without the info dump)
Repetitionâas a fellow ND, I feel this deeply that it's hard to cut this. You need to separate what is the story's voice from what is the character's voice and then be able to execute the difference. This is an advanced skill, though. *Some* not all NDs have issues with repetition and *some* not all autistic people find comfort in repetition. This is something that has to be purposeful and done well, so the majority needs to be cut for English.
Info dump which doesn't feel purposeful as in a way to set up tone or theme. That takes a little bit of skill to be able to info dump and still feel like it's purposeful. I'd start with integration skill, then try to refine how info dump is done. Indication would help a lot. BTW, I get this is harder for autistic people (of certain types), but I think it could be done.
Dialogue Dialogue doesn't fit the familiarity of the characters with each other. It feels manufactured and flat. Deletion key is your friend on dialogue. What they don't say can be indicated. Again, I'm aware this can be hard for autistic people. (Not always, but sometimes. I have a friend who is autistic and had the funniest dialogue in their fanfic and it was done through indication. Cookie~~)
Most of it is fixated on sight. But where is the biting cold? I forgot there was snow because there is no other sensory information about the snow. Give me balance, sight, sound, smell, taste, etc. My SPD-ish feels it all of the time, so I feel a little blind traveling through this part of the story.
And then a light suggestion to up what's there: Archaeology needs a process storytelling function.
Dissemination in a slower manner would be like...
I could decipher the first character, but not the second. After months of studying to find this place, I thought I would be able to read it.
The last two words I could read. The old script for, "[Fill in something]"
That's process. Give the reader the process that the character is going through. The A->B->C of it.
For example, when Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade there is a process...
113.
HENRY
The Word of GodâŠ
BRODY
No, Henry. Try not to talk.
BACK TO INDY
As he studies the cobblestones before him.
INDY
The Name of God⊠Jehovah!
HENRY
Still lies in Sallahâs arms. Brody leans over him.
HENRY
But in the Latin alphabet,
"Jehovah" begins with an "I".
INDY
"J".
Indy takes a step and immediately a stone breaks away and
Indy falls up to his hip -- his leg stuck through the hold
where the stone once was.
BACK TO INDY
Who grunts as he pulls himself from the hole, the Grail
Diary in his hand.
INDY
In Latin, "Jehovah" starts with an
"I". "I"âŠ
Now we see each letter on the stones as Indy carefully walks
forward. Donovan and Elsa follow in his footsteps.
INDY
"E"⊠"H"⊠"O"⊠"V"⊠"A"âŠ
Don't copy-paste that, but you get the idea... show how it was deciphered.
The other thing is that I get that you need to lock out the inner world of the main character from the reader, but the emotions of the other characters as Neurotypicals needs to come out despite the ND in the scene.
They've been running after the main character, and they know there is a bounty. One is reluctant to go into the woods, while the other is gungho, but even if the main character is autistic (and maybe the type that can't read emotions well, though there are autistic people who are overly empathetic and then get overwhelmed and don't know what to do) there can be movements or gestures that indicate how they are feeling in relation to each other. This is more of the dialogue techniques.
To be clear, I wanted to be constructive with the criticism and specific since a lot of the book was simply lambasting for being a bad book, but not that specific on what to do to get to a better one. At the same time, I do understand the frustrated readers. That said, I did try to give some leniency for ND-ishness. I don't think it's something that one "overcomes" as much as figuring out how to use it and maximize it well. And I understand that struggle, too.
