Rabdomness

She was breathtaking- a beautiful white tigress, but still in human shape. Wait, people can do that? I immediately looked at her page to see if she linked a clinic, or a group, anything. I found a group and sent her a message, asking if I could go to a meeting, see what it was like, and ask some questions. I half expected to be blocked for it, but I went to bed with a smile on my face.

The next morning, I checked my messages. I was surprised to not only not be blocked, but to have received a reply, with an invitation to the group.

The meeting was next week, and I called into work that day, saying I needed a mental health day. I was nervous, and stood outside the doors for a few moments, before the same white tigress from the timeline saw me and took pity on me and welcomed me inside. “Are you tigrenere139? Am I saying that right?”

“Uh, yeah! To both.” I answered, looking around as we walked inside.

“What’s a tigrenere?” She asked curiously.

“Oh, it’s a white tiger with wings.” I pulled up a drawing I’d done when I was younger, of exactly that.

“I can see why you reached out, then. What questions did you have? I’ll try to answer them.”

“Well… I didn’t even know it was possible until I saw your timeline. You’re beautiful. Everyone here is amazing. When I was a kid, my genie wish would be to be a tigrenere. Still is on the list, but world peace comes first now.”

“You’re wondering how I started?”

“Yes.”

“There’s this clinic, they’re the only one in the area that does it.”

“Can you give me their card or something?”

“Sure, let me get their phone number for you.”

“Thank you. I have other questions, but I don’t want to bother you.”

“You won’t.”

“Then… did it hurt?”

“Changing? It was slow, but yes. At times.”

“Is it better to go slowly?”

“I think so, you get to discover yourself along the way.”

“Can I ask around here?”

“I don’t see why not.”

That afternoon, I called the clinic.

“Doctor Theodore Erian’s office, how may I help you?”

“My name is Ice. I would like to schedule an appointment with the doctor, please.”

“Last name and date of birth?”

I gave her the info and waited.

“The next available appointment is… let’s see… three months out.”

“I can wait that long!”

“Alright. I have you scheduled.”

I went to every meeting in the meantime, getting to know the creatures, critters, and beasts that also went. Alexis, the tigress, made sure I was alright, being human presenting still.

The day of my appointment came. I thought it would be big, or grand, or exotic, but it looked to be a small little clinic, surely not big enough for the dragons I saw earlier.

I walked in, taking a seat next to a pair that looked to be twins, but one was female, the other male. Presenting, at least. I was practically shaking with nerves and excitement.

When it was finally my turn…

“Hello, Ice.” The doctor said, checking his notes.

“Hello, doctor.”

“Let’s get into this, shall we?”

“Of course.”

“I see in the notes that you are cisgender. Typically, some plasticity must be proven, but you have no plans to transition to male, correct?”

“Correct. I like living as a woman.”

“I see you didn’t bring any notes from even a single psychologist.”

“I wasn’t aware I needed them.”

“You don’t, if you’re willing to sign your life away.”

“Wait, what do you mean by that?”

“You give custody of yourself to this office in the event that you go, as the kids say, feral when you hit your crossroads. As well as extra visits so you may be studied as you change.”

“Will I be compensated?”

“Of course.”

“Then I agree.”

“Would you prefer the fifteen minute version, or the months to years long process?”

“I want to watch things slowly.”

“What is a tigrenere?”

“A winged tiger, but I want to be white.”

“That will be doable.”

“When can I start?”

“When the medication is ready. I need to make some adaptions, so it should be ready in roughly two months time, perhaps longer or shorter.”

“Thank you, doctor.”

“Our last order of business, the paperwork.”

Over the course of the next two months, I kept dreaming of running and flying free over the city. It would feel amazing, I just knew it.

I picked my medications up from the pharmacy, seeing a new one, with a name I couldn’t pronounce. It was a pill bottle, take daily with breakfast. I took my first dose with my breakfast, my hands trembling from excitement so much that I nearly dropped the pill.

Title card to a series of digital drawings. A small lost creature sits on a stone in the middle of a dark body of water. Text reads: "stepping stones - content warning: discussion of depression and suicidal ideation."

Page 1: The lost creature stares down into its own reflection in the dark water. Ripples around it disrupts the reflections face, distorting its large, empty, miserable eyes. Text reads: "I've been struggling with depression for most of my life and I've sunk into suicidal urges before. Everything felt distant, isolating, like I was stranded in an infinite, cold lake, just me and my thoughts and whatever piece of rock kept my head above water."

Page 2: The lost creature imagines itself being pulled under by the water without a fight. Air bubbles drift up from its snout, as its exhausted body sinks amongst dark blue whorls. Text reads: "No land in sight. Nowhere to go. No future. So many times it felt like it would be easier to just let the crushing water pull me under- I'm tired of swimming with no direction. I'm lost and I'm scared, and the only direction I can comprehend is down."

Page 3: The lost creature looks a short way away to see a small stone protruding from the water within jumping distance. Text reads: "The way I got through it was stepping stones."

Page 4: The lost creature leaps to the next stone. Its tail falls into the water and its eyes are tired. Text reads: "I couldn't stop or fix my suicidal urges all at once- but I could find reasons to put it off. Not mainland, but small stepping stones that would allow me to move forward without sinking."

Page 5: The lost creature moves across several stones in succession. It leaps, fumbles, falls in, swims, scrambles back up onto the stones, and jumps again. Text reads: "There's this show I've been into, and I want to see the next episode. I need to stay long enough to have my favorite dinner again. I found something I want to share with my friend. I want to play that game I bought. We're going camping next month. I want to spend new years eve with my partner."

Page 6: The lost creature pulls itself up out of the water, eyes heavy and tired, close to giving up. Text reads: "It didn't matter how big or how small, anything to give me a reason to wait just one day longer. A lot of times it was just 'someone needs to take care of my cat.' The incomprehensibly deep water was still there, and giving up and drowning still felt easier than holding on to working on a life that never seemed to get easier. Each time I could tell all I was going was putting off what, to me, felt inevitable."