Congratulations

the cat is controlling him

during one of his portland shows, he noticed this like 7 year old girl in the front row and asked her (and her parents) if she ‘is aware that she is physically here right now’ or if she was just brought along. turns out her favorite john mulaney bit is the “and I’m new in town” bit and that she’s seen all his stuff. He was so shocked and discomforted by the fact a SEVEN YEAR OLD has seen his shows, that he couldn’t get through a bit about donating to charity without interrupting himself at least three times to import good life lessons on this small child, as if that makes up for all the horrible things he’s said that she heard

ah so john mulaney is a chaotic neutral cryptid

i saw him last night and there was a good ten minute interlude where a woman told him everything she found wrong with his suit, including that his pants were too high waisted to which he replied “that’s where my hips are” and someone in the back shouted “look at that high waisted man he’s got feminine hips!” and he yelled back “that’s my joke! i’m offended!!”

reblog if you think sign language should be taught as a language in schools.

My students are up to something. They keep coming up to me and handing me pieces of fruit, and when I ask why, they just smile cryptically and say, “Don’t worry about it.”

Like, the apples I get. That’s a teacherly thing to give. But one of them just straight up handed me a grape.

Did Jordin Sparks ever figure out how to breathe with no air

when was the last time u heard anything about jordin sparks. i rest my case

THE GOODEST BOY

the divorce papers would hit you so fast that you’d need reconstructive surgery.

No woman wearing a dress with pockets will fail to mention that it has pockets upon receiving a compliment on said dress.

UNBLOCKED

Saying “google it” sounds completely normal, but saying “bing it” or “yahoo it” sounds stupid.