the-other-side-of-me

I’m too extra. Too gay. Too big. Too sensitive. Too caring. Too disorganized. Too lose my train of thought every ten seconds. Too black and white. Too ADHD.

I don’t know if it’s the fucking wiring of my brain. The thing that some call a blessing but others know all to well to be a fucking curse. People like to make jokes but it’s like a fucking zoo in my brain all the damn time and sometimes I just want it to STOP!

I miss moments everyday. I can’t read situations. I don’t respond appropriately. The biggest moments pass me by because I’m paralyzed. Afraid of making the wrong choice.

Dear dad,

Dear father,

Dear fuckface,

Dear the reason I have abandonment issues,

Dear Pussy, 

Dear Dissappointment,

Dear Half of me, 

Dear fuck you,

Hi I’m a ghost of your past. Do you ever wonder about me? Because you look pretty fucking happy with your wife and son. That’s right it’s the 21st fucking century I found you in a matter of 30 fucking minutes. What’s your excuse? I’m fine by the way if you call having anxiety and depression fine. Why did you fight to see me and not show up? Oh you didn’t think I would find out about that huh? Did you want to just put my mom through more fucking hell? Why are you such an asshole that my mom did even want to have me in the first place? What gets to me most is that you are half of me. It fucking hurts. I sat emotionally numb looking at your picture last night and all I could see are my cheekbones on your fucking face. Did you know that I asked about you for years? I tried to send you letters and make you fathers day cards… do you know what special type of hell that must of been for my mom. I know what you did… or at least enough to know that you are an asshole that treated my mother like shit and left her emotionally scared. I’m so fucking glad that my mom found the strength to fight for me. If I ever see you I probably won’t even be able to control myself I’ll probably just beat the fucking shit out of you so that you can know a fraction of the hell that you have put me through my entire life. Fuck you! 

Do you know how hard it is to grow up without a fucking dad? Do you have any fucking idea how fucking cruel kids are? Do you know how many stories I made up about you? Do you know how many times I heard that my mom just got knocked up and that I was a huge mistake? No you don’t have a fucking clue because you weren’t fucking around. You left. And know you write a fucking christian blog and talk about picking up your son to school and taking him to sonic. Did you not think I would find it? Reminder we are still in the 21st century. How christianly is it of you that you just abandoned your first child? You couldn’t even pay fucking child support but you could take your son to fucking sonic everyday?

Maybe the reason that I fuck up everything in my life is because of you. Maybe that is the half of my genetic make up that I got from you. That part I guess I’ll never know for sure. But I can tell you that I got my low self esteem, lack of confidence, social awkwardness, inability to express my emotions, my depression, and my anxiety disorder from you. How so? Maybe it’s because I spent fucking years blaming myself for you leaving. Maybe because I had to be strong because you left my mom in fucking pieces forcing her to work an outrageous amount of hours to provide for me because you couldn’t get off your pussy ass off of your fucking couch and get a fucking job and support the person that is half of you. Do you know how many different babysitters I had? 

I thank GOD everyday that I am gay so that no man can every hurt me in the way that you have.