berabal

Missing everyone a little too much today. A little too much until I have goosebumps hearing some songs. A little too much until my heart feels heavy. A little too much until I reopened all the photos I had. A little too much until I decide to write it here.

Realizing I had a lot happening in my life back then, makes me a little bit worried that I might not be as highly functioning as I was. Nowadays, some work feels hard, some chitchat feels strange, so I find myself alone a lot.

One of my weaknesses is definitely isolating myself when I'm facing hard things. I figured its not good during a consultation with my psychologist. Making friends was my other weakness, but then I realized: no matter how much I love being alone back then, I always have people around me that I can go to when I feel exhausted.

I used to be alone, but not with these lonely feelings. Recently I realize it, having no one is indeed hard, right?

But somehow, as I go deeper, this reflections change into concerns. What if like this, like that? What if this happened and I'm not ready? What if I miss some opportunities that might affect my future?

Sounds familiar to you?

Here I jot down some more reflections that I came up with:

Life isn't a contest. You do you.

Worry is a typical action verb, and it's normal. But as a Muslim, overly concerned about things means we have no trust in Allah.

That's okay if you have an ordinary dream, some of us even couldn't have dream. So having a dream is indeed a blessing.

We all have our own race, our own "rezeki". As we born, Allah ensure all rizq we should have; it is up to us to seek it out.

What moves means tryinf to find our rizq? Learn, work, do kindness, pray.

If our mind goes wild, pray. One of my favourites is: “O Allah, I hope for Your mercy. do not leave me to myself even for the blinking of an eye (i.e., a moment). Correct all of my affairs for me. There is none worthy of worship but You." (Abu Daud 5071)

Hope this help you!

I actually write this so I can re-read again once I feel desperate about life.

Remember: “do not despair of the mercy of Allah” (Az Zumar: 53)

10 bulan di sini, aku merasa kalau kehidupan di sini serba cepat. Semua orang punya ambisi, dan rasanya kayak salah kalau nggak punya. Ketemu orang yang ‘tenang’ di antara deras dan riuhnya alur hidup di sini rasanya menyenangkan. Beliau ini selalu merendahkan diri, padahal keren, kontribusinya banyak. Sekelas ketua nasional organisasi bidangku, masih ngurus packing buku. Coba bayangin..

Beliau cerita juga suatu hari kalau ada mahasiswa yang beliau ‘bantu’ — lahir maupun batin. Di akhir-akhir masa studinya, anak ini bikin onar karena hal yang nggak seharusnya, berbohong ke beliau sampai harus bayar semesteran lagi. Mahasiswa ini mengaku kalau nggak punya dana, dosenku bantu pada akhirnya. Tapi sampai seminggu menjelang akhir semester (yang sudah ditambah itu), anak ini nggak muncul. Dosenku bilang,

“Saya bilang ke dia, kalau saya bantu dia bukan karena saya kaya. Tapi saya mau lihat dia jadi ‘orang’. Kalau bukan dia yang usaha buat masa depan dia, siapa lagi memangnya?”

Aku mendengarkan dengan saksama. Sampai beliau bilang lagi… “ya akhirnya dia selesai. Tanpa ada sama sekali pembicaraan ke saya. Saya chat juga tidak balas, sampai sekarang.”

“…padahal kan selesai kuliah, yang penting selesai dulu. Menuntaskan apa yang sudah dimulai. Hasil akhirnya bagus apa nggak, itu urusan nanti. Nanti juga terbiasa.. kan nggak bisa sekali belajar langsung jadi.”

Aku langsung diam. Kayak lagi dikasih nasihat atas overthinking ku selama ini. Aku nggak cukup bisa, nggak cukup bagus, kayaknya nggak pantas bercita-cita jadi akademisi, nulisnya belum bagus, daaan lain-lain.

Di akhir beliau bilang, “semoga lancar ya nulisnya.. kalau ada yang perlu saya bantu, infokan saja.”

Beliau sibuk bantu banyak orang, ngerjain ini itu padahal title yang beliau punya cukup buat nyuruh-nyuruh orang lain. Kehidupan keras, cepat nan ambisius di sini nggak bikin beliau jadi begitu. Di tengah hingar-bingar ini aku masih menyaksikan bahwa hidup sejatinya adalah pilihan kita.

Semoga sehat selalu, Bapak. Senang sekali bisa jadi murid beliau, menyaksikan kebaikan hatinya, keramahan dan ringannya beliau membantu sesama.

Semoga aku juga bisa, jadi yang bermanfaat, di manapun kelak aku bermuara.

I lost it during the time I’m looking for myself; I haven’t meet the best version of me yet, but I’m forever grateful for the butterfly in my stomach, the nervousness while thinking something I dream about.

We might lost connection with our own self, but again, we’re kind of lost and found things in this noisy world, right? Hope you find your dream too. <3

Malam tadi aku nangis tersedu-sedu karena baca sebuah komen di sosial media, “Thank you for making time to read my writing”. A normal sentence to be thankful for, tapi melihat apa yang terjadi belakangan ini—making time wasn’t that easy.

Kalau dipikir-pikir, “menyempatkan” melakukan sesuatu juga nggak mudah pas hidup lagi berputar sibuk di sekitar kita. Memikirkan orang lain pas mikirin diri sendiri aja kadang nggak sempat.

I am thankful for everyone who still making time to replying my chat, checking up on me and thinking of me. Thank you for making time to think about me, replying my chat, checking up on me despite everything you’re going through.

Forever grateful. Thank you for making time for me.

rasanya usia jadi salah satu jalur pacu paling berpengaruh, merasa sudah kehabisan waktu karena sudah seperempat abad atau bahkan hampir di ujung angka 20-an.

kita pasti "pertama kali" menjadi anak berusia 25 atau 35 atau bahkan orang tua kita menjadi 50, 60 dan seterusnya. belum ada brief yang tepat bagaimana menjalani hidup di usia tersebut. semuanya pertama kali, rasanya tidak tepat jika menghakimi. semua kita belajar memaknai apa yang pantas dan tidak pantas.

umur kita ini titipan, dan nggak ada satupun yang terjadi di luar kehendakNya. apapun cita dan asa, tujuan kita adalah berlabuh di surgaNya; sehingga rasanya tidak patut ragu dan khawatir.

we don't have to have all of the things in this world. we don't have to be the same person as others. we don't have to figure out all of the things at once. ketidaksempurnaan yang kita miliki itulah kesempurnaan yang sebenarnya. ❤️ jangan raguuuu, jalan terus, semoga lekas bertemu hal-hal yang meyakinkan kita!

Sampai akhirnya menyadari, bahwa menjadi diriku sendiri itu cukup. There are many things I should improve, but I, myself, am enough. Myself with all the flaws and the good stuff is an excellent compound to mix, to try, to live this life. I won't be like anyone else.

Kadang-kadang, mempertahankan dan berjuang untuk satu mimpi itu challenging juga. Karena kita kan melihat banyak hal di depan, kesempatan-kesempatan yang hadir dan sajian menggugah selera lainnya dalam perjalanan ini.

Kita nggak butuh jadi yang paling keren menurut orang, kita nggak butuh jadi kayak orang. Mimpi-mimpi kita cuma butuh diri kita. Jadi rasanya, perasaan cukup itu penting; cukup atas diri kita, cinta, senang, kasih sayang, sedih dan merana, selama ini diri kita dan bisa kita kenali itu lebih dari cukup.

This knowing-self-journey is definitely a long journey. This would never be done until we die.

We all have dreams, hunger to make it. Even if we didn't live like what we dreamt of, even when our childhood dreams feel surreal, we could make a new one. That's why we need to try. New dreams would never be too late to make.

Tadinya aku mikir mau nulis ini setelah mencapai sesuatu yang "keren", tapi setelah dipikir lagi, berpikir seperti ini juga pencapaian. Perjalanan ini akan sangaat panjang, banyak sorak sorai juga di dalamnya. Apapun yang terjadi, you, yourself, is enough :)

I met my college friends today. Two of them are preparing for their graduation next Wednesday, and we're talking about what clothes they'd use on the day, picking up the clothes colors, and choosing the excellent makeup tone and other things. I suddenly told them; I remembered their details. The way I pictured them in my mind.

For the first one, I remembered her wearing a red veil, a red cardigan, a grey blouse, black pants, and flat brown shoes. The other one, I remembered her wearing a turmeric-yellow shirt, a black veil, a black pleated skirt with white sneakers. The last one, I remembered her wearing a light brown blouse like the veil, a brown plaid skirt, and still, lightweight brown rubber sandals; they almost looked like shoes. She almost looked like a bar of chocolate.

I pictured many things in my mind and remembered people from their details; perfume or laundry scents, clothes, gestures, and how they learned to read and talk. It makes me remember people longer, way too long, even when we didn't talk for a long time. It makes me look like a gloomy person; hard to move on. I was always scared of losing moments: the way I remembered them. But I don't even want to remember that; it just happened.

However, I'm grateful for this thing--remembering details, yet sometimes it feels like a curse. Sometimes I just need to remember things as they should be without fear of losing the moments.

I know the answer to my cluelessness is sparing the time to get the information & ask people who have already experienced it. But I didn't do it all; some are because the information was inaccessible. If I got stuck, I thought this kind of dream was impossible to achieve. I asked myself repeatedly, do I whole-heartedly want to do this?

The answers are still the same from the day I decide to search and apply my form to the uni. But I know nothing good comes easy. All the way that I am going through wasn't fruitless at all.

All the things that happened to me are the way that led me to the good things He wanted me to go through. So I'm not supposed to worrying this; wherever this journey ends soon, I know it will be the best for me.

Last night I sang "When I Was A Little Girl" --song, unconsciously. My friend asked me why I suddenly sang that song. Then I ran into my mind and remembered something:

A few days ago, I talked to my Umi by video call. We talked about many things until I told her that my brother once called me to ask what her e-commerce password was. Of course, I didn't remember; I don't even know. My Umi answered directly: "You remembered everything, especially people's phone numbers, such a telephone book!" We were laughing then.

I was that girl, that --telephone book girl, who remembered all my family numbers. My mother, my father, my uncles, my aunts, my grandfather --all my family. At that time, those google things didn't exist well. People save the number on their phone or sometimes still in a book. At a family gathering moment, they'd asked me when we needed to call someone. I'll state the number smoothly. People adored me and frequently appreciated my memorizing number --the telephone book skill. 

Now I grew up from that telephone book little girl and became still a girl, just a little bigger. I'm working nowadays, seeking things I want to be, and learning about life. I realized I wasn't that clever telephone book girl again. I always forget my password until I should take a note and write it so I can open the book when I want to, or sometimes use the technology, the fingerprint one.

Today, I wasn't that girl who always gets satisfied and smiles while stating people's phone numbers—growing up changed everything. I don't remember people's phone numbers, even mine, when I should change it.

Little Anisa should be more proud of herself because she could memorize everything in her world then. That's why she took history as her major. Little Anisa thought that science and math was her weakness (I do, the bigger Anisa think the same thing until now). Little Anisa shouldn't overthink life because the big one does it frequently now. Hahaha

But that's life. It sucks sometimes but not all the time. Like the lyrics told us:

Que sera-sera,

Whatever will be will be

The future's not ours to see

Que sera-sera

Let's just do our best as we can. It is challenging yet fun. May we always find a good reason to live the good life. Until the time comes, we must go home, rest, and enjoy heaven with our loved ones—cheers to another roller coaster in life. We can do it, as we always do!

berkali-kali berujar; suaraku sumbang, tidak terdengar jelas.

Hello, tumblr! It's been a while since the last time I scrolled you, but it's always good to be back.

Beberapa waktu belakangan ini rasanya overwhelmed sama apa yang kuterima dan kurasakan. Sampai aku nggak ngerti sebenarnya ini perasaan apa, gimana cara mengurainya, gimana cara deal-nya biar bisa ambil langkah selanjutnya. This year would be so hard, but again, it doesn't mean I can't.

Dulu aku bertanya-tanya, keinginanku sekolah lagi ini semata-mata karena yang kulihat sebagian besar keluargaku menjalaninya (yang jelas aku jadikan contoh) atau memang aku mau? Terus sekarang, sedikit banyak dapat ilmu soal berkarir. Makin bingung lagi. Semakin banyak pilihan, semakin bingung. Haha

Rasanya tahun ini aku juga mulai menyadari soal hubungan yang jujur gatau gimana cara jelasinnya?

Selain itu kujadi sadar, adaptasi sama sesuatu itu susah banget. Dulu rasanya nggak sesulit ini karena selalu ada orang yang udah kukenal lebih dulu, sekarang rasanya..... Ngeri-ngeri sedap~

Sebenarnya ku sadar kalau belakangan ini, cara berpikirku, caraku menyampaikan sesuatu jadi nggak selancar dulu. I told my friend that I lost my "power"; to embrace all my flaws, to take a decision, to show my ability just because some of people. Tapi aku sadar kalau masa ini harus kulalui, harus kuterima & akui jadi bagian dari perjalanan mimpiku --yang entah ke mana nanti ujung akhirnya.

Mau jadikan ini catatan, sampai update selanjutnya, hope everyone okay both mentally & physically!