The Real Heroes Of Pearlmark

Hey guys! Crazy new developments are unfolding as the superhero team ESQUIRE have revealed themselves to be traitors to our great nation of Cascadia. After assassinating Mayor Augustine Nuum and blowing up the capitol building, ESQUIRE fled the scene, refusing to turn themselves over to the police. Authorities, led by the estimable police captain, Justine Wesley, have launched a nationwide manhunt, hellbent on bringing these criminals to justice.

In a statement delivered just after the attack I received the following statement from the Captain herself.

"No one is above the law. Not elected officials, not celebrities, and certainly not superheroes,"

This may come as a shock to some of you who, like me, have been fans of ESQUIRE since the beginning. For years they were symbols of courage, justice, and peace. But ever since the departure of most of the team, Solis Sunblade, the moral compass; Star, the muscle; and Shellshock, the funny one (and my personal fav). Seems Split just can't handle it on his own. He and his "team" of child soldiers have evidently been swayed by the forces of evil in an effort to terrorize the great citizens of Cascadia.

Has Split lost his touch? Has he lost control over himself and his team? What will he do next? Who will he kill next?

Seriously dude. @PerryJameson this feels irresponsible to let this man keep writing for you. Frankly it's disgusting drivel that lowers the quality of the entire paper. The Pearl is a respected newspaper in Pearlmark, and to let this man spew his freak shit in your paper? Deranged. I'm just flabbergasted. Do people edit these articles? is he slipping into the print room after hours under the cover of night and sneaking it in? I don't understand how this is happening.

also, Doug, what is your hard-on for mayor Fox? it's getting a little creepy. Like, the man is hot don't get me wrong, total daddy material and in bed... well, they don't call him footlong-fox for nothing! but keep your weird wet dreams out of the newspaper???

Stop talking about women's vaginas as if you've ever actually seen one.

And stop talking about teenage girls! Jesus Christ Doug, you're in your 40s, you're not a spry young man anymore, you're a balding middle aged white man. She's a kid. I don't understand how you're not disgusted with yourself, it's no wonder he kept her out of the limelight. It's not fun growing up a celebrity.

Okay so, you might be asking yourself "Ashleigh, queen, you never went away? how can you be back?"

well! remember when I got cloned by biomancer??? It's not at all related but it's a little similar if you really squint!

(My lawyer advised me against saying any more about the actual specifics, 5th amendment SHOUT OUUUUUUUT.) anywho, for the past few weeks it has not in fact been me you've seen around pearlmark, but my evil doppleganger! Which-- wild, not something I was expecting. Just wanted a fun little interview but no, I got kidnapped instead. So we're chilling now, except my step-great-grandmother maybe just declared war on America‽‽‽ No idea how to feel about that lol.

She has been doing a lot of good which is baller but I haven't met her so no idea how to feel about that lmao.

This interview was so much fun! I had the lovely Star of Esquire over for a chat about quite a few topics, she's the sweetest and we had so much fun!

Star <3

Hey besties, very special guest today! Esteemed member of Esquire and thousand year old mythical king, Solis Sunblade!

Solis Sunblade <3 

Hey besties! My account got removed from Spotify for "licentious acts unfit for human ears" (unrelated) 🤪 so I'm posting links to my podcast here instead!

Here's Doug and my lovely chat about the neo-people!

Okay Doug Dimma-dump, I normally don't have to get serious on this blog but this is a call-out post. You said your half-witted, bitch-ass, giga-chad 4chan sigma male bullshit in the presses and now I'm having to hop on here to set the record straight.

First off-- Esquire, an underrated name deriving from the Old French, esquier which in turn comes from the Latin scutarius, meaning shield-bearer. I don't know about you but I'd like to have a super hero team who actually protects the people of this city, and a shield between us and the dangers of this world doesn't sound like a bad thing to me! (Shoutout to professor Sapir at Pearlmark Uni!)

Secondly-- I don't use botox, absolutely no shame to the beautiful women and men who do-- (do whatever you want that makes you comfortable in your skin queens!) I was blessed with good genes, it helps when there's actual diversity in your gene pool. As for the plan b comment, I absolutely believe in a woman's right to choose, and if your mother had popped a pill after her cousin-- sorry, your father slumped over after 45 seconds of awful coitus we wouldn't be subjected to your badly color matched toupee that does nothing to disguise your receding hairline. You can't fight genetics darling, and the fact that your parents were first cousins is painfully obvious. Tell your mother I said hi btw, if she needs a lawyer for the divorce case I know some great ones! 💋💋💋

Third-- it's a Peryton, not a horse thank you very much. His name is Ayden, and he's sooo bby girl. Solis-- yes that is his name, just say you don't know the mythos and move on sweetheart. Split, (hey pookie!) doesn't need a costume to cover allllll of that up, believe me, he's plenty capable without that. Star and Shellshock (hey Shelly 😘), their costumes are sick. Where is your sense of whimsy, Doug? What's your problem with joy, magic, and happiness? The capitalist machine really wear you down so much that you're unable to appreciate anything other than the cold stone steel of a modern brutalist aesthetic? I ask you to take a look inside yourself babe, see if you can find the root of your problems before spouting your nonsense in the papers.

This has got to be the craziest thing that's happened in the history of everything. 

Two days ago the biomancer kidnapped me and locked me in his basement so he could leech my memories into a clone of myself that could deadass replace me and live my life. (Identity theft is not a joke Jim, millions of families suffer every year) It was the wackest shit I've ever experienced. When his “flesh children” kidnapped me I was like “okay bet, this is some kinky stuff I could be into,” and then he started cloning me which-- still hot ngl. His voice was low-key attractive, I was like “tie me up naked and make a clone of me? Yes daddy,” which seemed to make him a little uncomfortable but not everything can be a win yk? I mean my first thought when I saw a bunch of naked people in a basement was “weird sex thing” but he didn't seem interested at allll which-- his loss. I wasn't gonna push it tho, I'm not in my high-key delulu era, I can take a hint.

But guess who came to my heroic rescue? Our fabulous four! (Not the Beatles) (but they haven't come out publicly with a name yet so I'm making do) Anyways The Biomancer seemed to be testing them with various things, by the time they got to the room I was in things were getting ✨spicy✨.

Biomancer made them figure out who (apart from me and the others in cages) wasn't a flesh child (ew name) Galaxy hottie figured it out pretty much immediately, (we stan an intelligent queen 👑) (pls marry me, im on my knees) (they hate to see a girlboss winning) 

But! an interesting little tidbit I got was that out medieval knight was called Mr. Sunblade by biomancer which seemed to surprise him. apparently it's a mythical hero or something? Biomancer also asked why all of the DNA in the room wasn't human and Sunblade said it was because he wasn't human, whatever that means?

After that there was some distant sounds of combat and then screaming but I couldn't make much of it out because this TIGAR guy was practicing at the shooting range. like seriously, daddy chill. but whatevs, anyways the next time anthing interesting happened was when all of the flesh children suddenly started screaming and glow a little which-- whack.

Anywho ice guy (working title), Split, Sunblade, and another man they called Gregory came back in, it was honestly so crazy and a complete blur. What I do remember was that ice guy walled off a bunch of the clones including gregory bc i guess he was a clone too and was gonna explode? but then they were yelling something about a pinky promise (????) and gregory ended up getting frozen to save him? kind of a beige flag there but who am I to judge?

Split's clones got all of the cages open (hot) and Sunblade hoisted the other three unconcious people over his shoulder (hot) and punched a huge hole in the door so we could escape (so hot I am actually losing my mind).

Detective Justine Wesley (very nice woman) was there too and was helping get everyone out. She was also cloned and had Sunblade's cloak around her since none of us had clothing. I guess chivalry isn't dead after all. (the things I would let that man do to me are unhinged) (god his voice too, like pls ruin me sir, with alll the respect in the world) (the way he punched through that door will be living rent free in my head for the forseeable future)

Anyways we all ran away and there were a bunch of explosions in the background. Also seems like they may have made an enemy of freight train? That'll be something fun for the future.

Once we got back to the surface Galaxy Hottie returned carrying the detective's son which-- is just so sweet. get you a girl who's good with kids and can also blast a hole through your sternum with pure cosmic energy. The dykehotomy is honestly so sexy. (pls rail me)

Sunblade's flying steed who is apparently called Ayden (so cute!) came down and he let the kid pet the flying elk (adorable) and then he went to comfort Split who looked like he’d just been through the actual trenches. obv whatever happened down there really shook him up, poor thing. They were all fairly covered in blood which-- hot, obviously. they looked like they needed some R&R and they all took off on Ayden with Galaxy girlie flying alongside.

I was honestly in such a daze I didn't thank them properly for the rescue so if any of them are reading this, truly than kyou from the bottom of my heart, you guys are my heroes (literally) (also call me, any of you, I’m free Tuesday)

Signing off for now,

An apartment building on 24th and 5th was attacked by a manta ray, the notorious redpilled supervillain, and was stopped by everyone's new favourite super squad!

The chaos unfolded at the top of an apartment building but-- I happened to be walking past at the time, after cincing a chopped bagel salad from my fav place down on the corner, I came across the most insane in the membrane ass shit goin down. What looked like a ton of metal on top of the building and a dr doofinshmirtz-nikola tesla ahhh death ray.

But who cares about that? First off- new addition to the team in the form of an insane ass looking creature, like a hippogriff from Harry Potter but weirder. JK Rowling could never (TERF) but it had the body of like a really big deer and the wings of an eagle? 🦅🦅🦅 idk but it was so cool and our medieval knight hero was riding it, which is dope af. which-- so much aura there, bro is really making up for all of the nothing he gave us last time. A literal knight in shining armor on a flying steed before gta 6 goes crazyyyyyy. After they defeatedd Manta Ray he was the one to bring the vilalin to the police dept on the back of his hippogriff which-- the aura involved in that is insaneeee. He's also like 7 ft tall which-- hot.

Anyways the others were also cool af, esp Split, who's clones helped dismantle the flying robots. (weird way to propose but I accept)🤪It was hard to tell exactly what any of them were doing but there was ice and electricity shooting everywhere so maybe that's the fourth member's powers?

We didn't see much from galaxy mommy so I'm not sure if she was there or not, if she was I'm sure she was busy with some really cool stuff, she's seems to be staying under the radar (very cutsey very demure)

The whole thing was wild ngl but I'm so ready to see more from them! Split if you're reading this, call me 🤙

Anyways that's all, ta ta!

wtf is happening???? Is there a new superhero group in our great city???? Chaos at the docks today as some terrorists, ISIS (TIGER srry Kandy❤️)

maybe was doing some shady AF stuff & the cops were bein hella useless as per usual, ACAB.

I was there, never fear dear readers, and I can tell you the first-hand account of what actually happened there!

There was some stuff going on, maybe fox industries being shady as shit? SPEAR was also there, idk man. That's not what you're here for anyways, you're here for the lastest hot gos, about the new heroes!

So there seem to be four of them, obv, the one we all care about is the one they call Split, which is honestly suuuuuuch a cute name, which matches his cute face. He's like tall-ish. Not like tall tall but tall enough ig. He's p submissive and breedable tbh. 10/10 would smash. He seems to be able to create clones of himself and I mean the possibilities are endless there...

There was one in medieval knight armor, dude had hella aura but he dipped p much immediately. Yesss king give us nothing.👑

Then there were two others that stopped to talk to Flower Power and the rest of The Next after the battle.

One fs needs a costume bc fr bro, holding your shirt over your nose is not an effective costume. He was cute tho, no idea what his powers are.

The last one was slaying the house boots down Houston I'm deceased; although the concept is giving 2017 galaxy unicorn shane dawson milkshake, the execution is actually flawless. Like yes girl give us everything. Literally ate and left no crumbs. Respectfully, please step on me. I am no better than a man.

That seems to be everything we know about them, but im psyched to see more in the future. Stay tuned for more real takes here on the most reliable blog in Pearlmarlk.

Yours truly!