#pearlmark

Seriously dude. @PerryJameson this feels irresponsible to let this man keep writing for you. Frankly it's disgusting drivel that lowers the quality of the entire paper. The Pearl is a respected newspaper in Pearlmark, and to let this man spew his freak shit in your paper? Deranged. I'm just flabbergasted. Do people edit these articles? is he slipping into the print room after hours under the cover of night and sneaking it in? I don't understand how this is happening.

also, Doug, what is your hard-on for mayor Fox? it's getting a little creepy. Like, the man is hot don't get me wrong, total daddy material and in bed... well, they don't call him footlong-fox for nothing! but keep your weird wet dreams out of the newspaper???

Stop talking about women's vaginas as if you've ever actually seen one.

And stop talking about teenage girls! Jesus Christ Doug, you're in your 40s, you're not a spry young man anymore, you're a balding middle aged white man. She's a kid. I don't understand how you're not disgusted with yourself, it's no wonder he kept her out of the limelight. It's not fun growing up a celebrity.

SALSA NIGHT

1, 2, 3, 4! 1, 2, 3, 4! This Tuesday the club will be closed to usual club-goers... but OPEN to those looking for something a bit more sleek! Come swing at Salsa Night, hosted here at the Sleuth! Lessons will be lead by Scary Doug. And stick around for the end of the night to experience our Salsa Competition! $10 buy-in, winner takes 50% of the pot!

Not feelin' the swing? Still want to watch? Check out our exclusive Salsa and Chip platter and enjoy the live salsa music! Jerry's Salsa is made in-house and contains real, genuine, 100% pure tomato substance. $20/platter.

Still not satisfied? Join the Sleuther's club and get to Salsa dance with Scary Doug himself! As seen in his one-man opera, "Sullen are the Scary", no one beats his fast feet!

Hey guys! Crazy new developments are unfolding as the superhero team ESQUIRE have revealed themselves to be traitors to our great nation of Cascadia. After assassinating Mayor Augustine Nuum and blowing up the capitol building, ESQUIRE fled the scene, refusing to turn themselves over to the police. Authorities, led by the estimable police captain, Justine Wesley, have launched a nationwide manhunt, hellbent on bringing these criminals to justice.

In a statement delivered just after the attack I received the following statement from the Captain herself.

"No one is above the law. Not elected officials, not celebrities, and certainly not superheroes,"

This may come as a shock to some of you who, like me, have been fans of ESQUIRE since the beginning. For years they were symbols of courage, justice, and peace. But ever since the departure of most of the team, Solis Sunblade, the moral compass; Star, the muscle; and Shellshock, the funny one (and my personal fav). Seems Split just can't handle it on his own. He and his "team" of child soldiers have evidently been swayed by the forces of evil in an effort to terrorize the great citizens of Cascadia.

Has Split lost his touch? Has he lost control over himself and his team? What will he do next? Who will he kill next?

On April 29th, several patrons were kicked out of the bar by patrons referring to themselves as “the gang”. We deeply apologize for this confusion and inconvenience. Despite what these people said, they do NOT own the bar, and we have NOT changed our names to “Paddy’s Pub”.

We’d like to apologize to anyone who slipped in the short one’s “blue”, which spilled on the floor and caused several severe injuries. Likewise, the one who kept attempting to commandeer the piano and croon was also removed from the premises after berating enough people about “ghouls”.

The two men manning the bar do not represent the Sleuth, and everything the intense one said to the women patrons is deeply rejected by the bar. And for clarification: he is neither “a golden god” nor “the incarnation of all that is rage and violence”. The other’s comments about women are also rejected, and his passes towards Jerry Joseph Jr., while appreciated, were terribly inappropriate.

Finally, the bird-looking women’s rant about the city’s local theater scene was hurtful, and does not represent the bar. While she did hit on Scary Doug, rest assured all advances were rejected.

We are in recovery, however please do not hesitate to reach out with any questions.

SPECIAL SCREENING!

Come by the Sleuth this Wednesday at 9pm to catch our special screening of cult classic: THE BRUTE! With a special foreword by Scary Doug, whose grandfather claims to have once met the mysterious Brute, who co-stars in this film alongside Eugene Montgomery, native Pearlmarker!

And drop in on Friday for our Shot-For-Shot deal, where every shot bar owner Jerry Joseph Jr. takes, you take one as well*! Excelsior!

Scary Doug would like to give a thank you to all who showed up for this week’s showing of “Sullen are the Scary”, his one-man opera. He has, however, requested that anyone who plans to bring a life form that is extraordinarily non-humanoid call ahead and let the theater know they will be attending. We apologize again to Mr. Froog, your tickets will be refunded and we will make sure you get front row next time, where you will be able to see.

Don’t forget to join our Sleuther’s club, where you can earn song requests and special perks with every drink you buy! Buy! Buy! Buy! And don’t forget to do some Sleuthin’!

Right so you're telling me the "hero" who disappeared after 9/11 magically reappears one day? Wake up, people! This is not Mrs. Manhattan who killed the VP, that's what they WANT you to believe! The REAL Mrs. Manhattan died in 2003 in a military insurgency called Operation Noflak (look it up).

This media (i.e. fake news sources such as The Pearl) wants you to believe this "hero from the stars" brings justice, but I think it's time we question the "from the stars" part! Hero's don't just return!

Look into Gabrielle Joanne. A CIA operative in 1963 who mysteriously disappeared in San Antonio, Texas (same city as the lizard people. coincidence?). Amazingly, she looks EXACTLY LIKE MRS. MANHATTAN! A shoe-in!

The CIA (controlled by the cabal of "Superhero"s living underneath San Antonio) has been GROOMING Gabrielle Joanne for the past FIVE DECADES to carry out this mission. Look into JD's recent diary publishes (via 4chan) and you'll see: he knew about them. He was about to tell POTUS, which is why he was silenced!

Look who remembered their password! That’s right, I did!

It’s me, Jerry Jones Jr., here to tell you that the Sleuth is still open, still here! We have lots going on this week with a NO KIDNAPPING GUARANTEE!! Scary Doug has just gotten an upgrade to his surveillance equipment, so our safety is through the roof!

Hey also show the bar tender your Mrs. Manhattan t-shirt and get a free Mudslide, on the house! It’s a mudslide because that’s what JD looks like now. his ass got totally toasted.

Age: 25 years old

Personality: Valley girl, confident, vulgar

Sexuality: Bisexual

Blog: @therealerheroesofpearlmark

Podcast: No Shade, Just Ashleigh