The Queer Capitalist

“It’s been three whole years of me thinking about you everyday.” -Your Graduation, Modern Baseball

At this point, it would be almost four. We’ve been through a wild ride, you and I. But I never thought you would disappear forever. 

First we were friends, then we were best friends, and for three months, we thought we were soulmates. Or at least I did. And those three months? They were the best of my life. You were my first kiss and I wanted you to be my last. But then it all had to end, over text, four days before the first day of high school. 

We were never meant to be together. My mother always said we weren’t right for each other. After all, I was taking all honors classes, going to two high schools [one for academics, one for performing arts], and had grades to get on the Headmaster’s List. You transferred out of our high school one marking period in to the local technical school because you were failing several classes. 

But I loved you all the same. I wanted to protect you, I wanted to be the man you always wanted, even though before you met me, you never wanted a man. But we were soulmates, I said when my parents made fun of you. But we were soulmates, I said when my mom asked why I was even friends with you. But you didn’t think so. You promised me forever and left me after three months. 

I was going through my Google Drive tonight and found the memoir you wrote in eighth grade. In it, you thank certain people by name, including me. Since I wasn’t out at the time, you used my deadname. After that you said, “Thank you, I can’t live without anyone of you.” 

I lived by and for your system for a very long time. I was a straight A student. I skipped two grades of math (I’m taking Algebra 2 as a freshman). In fact, math is the only thing I’ve ever been challenged in after skipping the grades. When I said I was a straight A student, it was past-tense on purpose because when I took Geometry in the 8th-Grade, my self-esteem evaporated due to my grade. Do you know what I had? B. Today, I had a mental breakdown and cried for two hours because of the grade I got on my math test. What was it? A 79 (which made my final grade a B). 

The school system doesn’t do shit for us. It tells us to take the hardest courses possible, thinking it’ll look better for colleges, but then doesn’t give us the help we need. Then it destroys our self esteem with the grades. Why should I be tearing myself apart over a B? 

hello

i plan to shitpost