finley wished it felt more like relief, but she couldn't pretend that she didn't still feel unease, that her gut wasn't swirling with discomfort not just at the way she'd spiralled out of control today but at opening up to callie for the first time. her callie, the person she'd loved in the deepest, most painfully intense way from probably far too early on into the relationship. the girl who'd given her a second chance that it probably always would feel like she didn't deserve.
and still, despite that, she'd done it, she'd given her a glimpse into the muddled, painful mess of her brain, she'd opened up and taken another step towards being someone worthy of her. no matter how much her mind continued to be cruel to her, no one could take that away from her.
her green eyes grew glassy, tears threatening to spill over as she looked at callie, the desperation to reach out and beg for affection making her throat tighten. naturally, she granted her request, because her kindness was an overwhelming, overflowing fucking ocean that finn wanted to drown in. as the other came close, perching herself in her lap in an instant, she hardly settled, but she felt something in her still. perhaps the rapid beat of her heart, slowing to a safe pace, the panic slowly beginning to empty out of her. she was still tired, so tired to the bone that her whole body was heavy.
slowly, slowly, she felt herself relax as callie wrapped her arms firmly around her, their bodies slotting together so naturally once more. her cheek pressed into her shoulder and cautiously, she let her own arms wrap back around her, blinking as she did her best to hold back the tears still threatening to spill. the other held onto her so firmly and she did the same right back, grasping for her like a lifeline. the soft, teasing words almost prompted a smile as she shut her eyes for a moment, taking a slow breath.
when finley opened her eyes again and looked at callie, the dam gave way pretty immediately. she ducked her head and sucked in a breath and then another, until she'd begun to hyperventilate and then the tears came. "i'm sorry." she choked out, a habit that she feared her therapist would never be able to help her break despite all her effort. "i just — i—" the blonde crumbled in the other girl's embrace, attempting to hide her face against her instead as her arms wrapped much tighter around her. she let herself cry, even though it was embarrassing, even though it was ugly. they were hot, heavy tears that spilled down her cheeks, that made a wet spot against callie's shirt as she fought to get her emotions under control.
it just kept coming, no matter how hard she tried to fight it off, all the emotion she'd been holding onto with an iron grip coming loose the moment she had the other woman in her arms. so she gave in, she rode the wave, struggling with taking slow deep breaths in between bouts of breathing way too fast. it was cathartic, she knew that, but it scared her to feel so much. it scared her to be seen like this. when she finally felt herself slowing down, her heavy breaths shaky from how hard she'd cried, she was reaching up to wipe away at her own cheeks. her face felt hot and her eyes sore from the salty tears irritating them, but maybe she did feel... better.
better enough to speak softly, as the heel of her hand rubbed against her eye. "and now you probably understand why i never wanted to do that in front of you." she said, her voice weak but a hint of humour to the way she said it, a self-depreciating joke to try and bridge the gap between how she'd felt and the calmness she was slowly entering into. "i knew you'd get too turned on by me being all snotty and red." and there was her apparent zinger, a wistful, stupid statement as she finished wiping at her face and offered a hopeful smile. she had no clue what she looked like, honestly, but she could only imagine.
finley sniffled and licked her lips, surprised by how dry they'd felt. she didn't know where her chapstick was, she'd ruined three of them in the dryer in the last month so there was probably her best guess. "...do you really think i've gotten that buff?" she asked and this time her amusement wasn't a slow attempt to let the sadness dry up but rather paired with a genuine smug little grin. of course she'd noticed the difference to a degree, but as hard as she liked to go in the gym, she was hardly ever going to be the type to pose in the mirror or take progress pictures.
there was something easy about sitting there with callie perched in her lap, but she was aware that this was big for them outside of the context of her own sadness. it occurred to her that she was probably being a shitty host. "are you hungry, by the way?"