The PPs: Saving Humanity is Hard

Right after my last post, the STI landed, so that sucked. They had all these sleek weapons and nice uniforms, and an actual team, unlike us. Luckily, I am the greatest genius to ever have lived, and I saved humanity ONCE AGAIN, from the brink of death. Siph and Dick were arguing and I stepped on Dick’s hand, INTENTIONALLY, to make him shoot his gun. He missed and hit Mike though, which was even better than hitting the STI. Mike was mad at me for some reason, like it was my fault he had a hole in his foot. So he tried to shoot me back, but I kicked him, and, long story short, he shot Gonno. What an idiot. The STI ran away though, and it was all thanks to me. Plus, they left their guns, so I’m going to pawn them and get some heated seats for the ship! We have another debriefing in a few days, so I’ll keep you all updated.

We finally found the tree, no thanks to Dick or Mike. It was hilarious though; Mike and I had already made it down the cliff and we were waiting for Dick, but he missed the leaves and busted his ass on the rocks. He says he can’t walk, but it’s a back injury, not a leg injury. His legs still work. I’m not going to help him. The tree is a little smaller than I thought, but Dick said it was 3 1/2 million years old, so this one’s a boomer. Doesn’t look like the STI has been here yet, so maybe it’ll be an easy day. 

Hey everyone, Cat here with an update. We were SUPPOSED to go to P-266 to protect the TIT, as I’m sure you guys know, but the scanner started acting up so we’re just wandering around for now. A lot of people ask me what we actually do as the Planet Protectors. We protect TITs: the Temporal Isolation Trees. If we didn’t, the Save Tomorrow Initiative would take the sap and do something or whatever and kill us all, I think. I don’t get why this specific TIT on P-266 is special, but HQ put it as high priority. I’m getting sick of Micro Mike and Flaccid Dick yelling at me to fix the scanner. Maybe ask your boss why we have the worst equipment in this galaxy system. I’ll update later when we find the TIT.