Hi Posse...
12/10/20
Wrote a really deep personal song in like 5 mins. I always think it’s great when artist can really “get there.” I’m constantly there. I’m always thinking deeply. It’s a blessing and a curse. Sometimes lovers don’t understand that I can’t just drop everything and be their bitch... or I can’t just be the one who’s driving us around when they’re ten years older than me and still have no stability.... I mean... there’s a lot of different men for different reasons who have fucked me over. But you know what? It gets to a point where... you just don’t even wanna try. And you shouldn’t. Because they don’t deserve you when you’re vulnerable if they are going to take the situation and taint it or it not be genuine. Any who, here’s the rough lyric sheet I was jotting down on.
The voice memo is on my phone, but just wanted to share with you what my ideal process is like. Get it out quick and be as vulnerable as I can. I think when people meditate too much on a song or have like 50 people writing on it, it becomes less sacred and more “produced” even if it’s an acoustic vibe. I like the fact I get to be a part of every angle of the process... the writing... the demo... the production (most of the time through collaborating and actually being there).
As much as I’ve wanted to put out a new record, I honestly just haven’t been able to lately. Music is really expensive. People say that me spending good money on production is “stealing my money” etc or when people ask for percentages up front... which just happened to me for the first time... and he asked for access to my Spotify information I’m like... uhhh NO! You made ONE SONG for me that I’ve already paid tons of money more than I’ll probably ever see... people can be so money hungry... especially the ones who are the laziest straightest ugliest or most full of themselves. It’s crazy. Like, they’ll say one thing and it’s a complete other thing. The nerve of some of these “producers” for ALL entertainment. Not just music.
Like, for example, this very predatorial producer whom I tried to give the benefit of the doubt multiple time’s although I shouldn’t have... asked me if I would put my music in his film, and so we signed the contract that they had permission to use two of my songs in the film.
Well, what a sigh of relief he asked, because the film is something I wouldn’t let anyone with two eyes let alone a blind person have to listen to the horrible script writing and editing. The actors were a little less good than a bad porn film. Cute boys and i know one of them, but... I mean, you have to be illiterate in art to not think it is actually terrible. He kept sending me all these fake mock-up awards it was winning and I thought that was rather foolish let alone what are these accredited to. Anyway, it’s no ones fault but the writer / editor. And obviously the producer who bragged constantly about getting other peoples money to invest in it, but when it looks like you shot it on an old point and shoot from the early 2000s and edited it in iMovie.... there’s a problem... The actual real time waiting for the text was painful not cute not exciting... boring and dreadful. And then my song comes along to save the day... but anyway... watched it once, collected my money, and told this mother fucked I wanted nothing to do with him.
Every comment I ever would make to him turns into something sexual. And yes, we have been intimate and had sex several times. It has been okay. Nothing very memorable. Very energy draining though just like the individual. I told him after this last visit to never speak to me again. And he sends me an email projecting all of what I tried to call him out on by being a complete asshole at 40 something years old with his only claim to fame dancing with some washed up country star that no one knows nor cares to talk about from the 90s or something? It’s quite funny how much he wants to be this generations thing when he’s a sleazy producer who buys his friends and feels the need to rent a black car which was cute to ride around in for sure but... we don’t do that here sir. If you’re that important the car is already arranged through your house manager / assistant.... fucking amateur mistake... (laughs) I kid I kid, but it is rather ridiculous for someone who made probably a Grade Z movie if that’s even possible? To be so pompous, entitled, and predatorial blaming it on my wine which I had immediately sobered up after him and a guy who was my friend I invited to come to the pool with me got into a huge fight... like real housewives. I don’t do that shit. It made me so angry. And sad. My body shook from both the trauma of the fighting as well as the PTSD and trauma response of confronting someone who is being sexually innaproproate or invasive of me ie my rapist and other situations just like the one he constantly has put me in.
Between losing my uncle... not ever getting to mourn my gramma... my rapist / co-writer reaching out to give me money which i needed but still never wanted to hear from him again.... my not so great friend hitting me in the face after being in love with him for months... and then my xanned out pathological liar ex friend just abandoning me when i needed her.... oh... and this guy i used to be in love with who I thought was a real man reached out to me on thanksgiving... to which I blocked... sadly but it had to happen... it’s been a lot. I just want something easy. Life isn’t easy, but I just wish I could make music and be good and not shitty or whatever at production. I could really do it myself but it’s just hard when you wanna work with people who know what the fuck they’re doing but no one on that level cares about you. It’s fine. It’ll get there. I won’t stop.
Kk. Enough ranting. I love you.
- Benjamin
