I don’t usually get to a point where I feel I need to write down my thoughts very often, but I think it might help someone eventually. You shouldn’t need to pep-talk yourself every day to get out of bed and go to work. You should enjoy going to your job because you spend a generous amount of your life working. You should be happy. Burnout is ok, but it shouldn’t emotionally drain you to the point of you crying most nights. You shouldn’t have to ‘prove’ that you’re worthy of your place. I understand working through the ranks, but when you’re trying your hardest, for someone to have the audacity to ask for more is diabolical. I hate fake people; I hate people who pretend like they’re there for you after they realise how horrible they’ve been to you. I think it says a lot about how they feel if they feel sad when you leave, because they know they did something wrong. It’s ok to not have it figured out, but you shouldn’t have to endure mental torture because one person doesn’t believe in you.
I sometimes find it hard to accept that I tried my best, even though I really wasn’t in the best place mentally or physically. I think this year has taught me a lot about how much I’m willing to endure before I choose myself. I genuinely think if I stayed on that course, I wouldn’t be here. It was really messing with me psychologically, and I wasn’t doing ok. It felt like I was in a battle with so many people, and no matter what I was doing, I couldn’t win. I felt so worthless and incapable of teaching, despite people saying I was good; at times, it felt like that wasn’t true…
I haven’t really had the time to process how I actually feel because I’m trying so hard to keep it all together. It sucks to admit that I’m not ok after so many years of pretending like I am. It's difficult to look at myself and not think about how much I hate myself for leaving. I know it’s the right choice, but I hate how much pain and stress I’ve endured for only ‘experience’ and I don’t get the qualification because I was deemed unworthy and it was like I had a big red target on my back signalling all of my weaknesses and in turn receiving no help at all. It's so hard to function normally and pretend like I am because I know I’m not.
Maybe getting a diagnosis might’ve helped, but I shouldn’t need this huge sign for someone to help. I shouldn’t need to do this for someone to give me a break. I think it's common decency to see someone struggling and offer them a helping hand. I really hate academic places because of this. Why do they feel the need to make me feel stupid? It honestly is horrible, and I don’t think I could ever go back to university after this horrible experience. I want to go home, not because I give up, but because I need a support system, because this year has been hell. Not only have I had the academic stress, but I have also had horrible housemates again who are making my life hell too. I just need a whole reset because I don’t know what I want to do anymore. I’m so sick of failing. I want to just press the reset button for a while because I am so exhausted. I’ve worked so hard. I’ve never left education until now, and I am exhausted to say the least. I have no clue what I want to be or do; all I know is that I think the concept of academic learning has been ruined for me.
I’ll let you know what happens. One exhausted academic burnout.
