live free///

So you know how when you’re going through something tough and you want to share with people you care about but after like 2 people it becomes exhausting to explain? Well, I like writing so here I am.

This is going to get real and rough and intimate so bear with me as we move on. 

So January 26th was my last day at my previous job. I quit without having another job lined up so I knew I would have some time off. In my last week there I was dealing with the worst period I have experienced to date. I was miserable, curled up on the couch, waking up in terrible pain in the middle of the night, the whole nine yards. I was baffled. This was never normal for me, why did my body suddenly hate me. I keep track of everything and looked back and realized how irregular I was and so being smart... I googled it. 

The first thing that popped up was PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). I was like well I don’t have that because I knew someone that did and their symptoms were like 10x worse than mine were. But as I read on I learned that symptoms are different for everyone. I also saw a list of more known symptoms and I had every. single. one. 

I panicked. PCOS is the leading cause of infertility in women and it wasn’t fair. I’ve always wanted to be a mom. This can’t be what’s going on with me. 

So I made a doctor’s appointment for the following Tuesday with a new doctor to get to the bottom of this. To find out if this is really what I have been dealing with since I was 20 without realizing it. The days that led up to that appointment were agonizing. I was running through every scenario in my head. You’re rationale when you’re processing something like this isn’t always at its peak. 

Tuesday came and I headed into my appointment. This new doctor was nice but I felt rushed in and out. Without much discussion she told me she wanted me to start on this birth control the following week. I just said okay and we moved forward. She ordered an ultrasound and blood work to confirm what she agreed sounded like PCOS. I went home and began processing it all. I didn’t want to go on birth control at all. I’ve never used any artificial hormones and I didn’t want to start now. They can be just as bad for your fertility as PCOS and I was not ready to start something so invasive on my body so blindly. I researched the specific birth control she was prescribing and over 2,000 women have straight up DIED on it. DIED. Wow. That didn’t sound like a risk I was willing to take.

I went in the next day for my ultrasound. She was quick and proficient and was the nicest medical professional I had encountered thus far. I told her why I was in there and she did tell me it looked like mild PCOS. She asked if I had another appointment set up. I said yes, 3 months for birth control. I told her how hesitant I was and the stats I was finding. She told me how those are legitimate concerns and I shouldn’t take such a decision lightly. So that was it, there was no way I was going to put my body through such a change. I had blood work the next day on Thursday and waited for results. 

I finally got a call Friday night from the doctor’s medical assistant. She told me I did indeed have PCOS and they wanted MORE blood work to confirm that the one hormone that was elevated was really elevated. So I asked HOW elevated it was. Well.. just slightly. Okay. That doesn’t sound bad. Your normal prolactin levels cap at 32 and I was at a 35. Not bad, but she made it seem TERRIBLE. So I questioned her more and said how the ultrasound tech said it looked mild, is that true? Well... yeah. Perfect. Thanks. (Still haven’t gotten the more unnecessary blood work).

So that was it. I have PCOS but mild seems good. I think. 

Everything was good. Then I had 3 friends in the matter of a week announce their pregnancies on facebook and that’s when I realized how much all this still hurt. I wasn’t even happy for them. I was just mad and jealous that it wasn’t me. Mad that my body might not be able to give us kids very easily and how challenging it will probably be for us to conceive when we’re ready. Then I felt like a terrible person for not being happy for these people and laid on the couch and cried for awhile until Branson walked in the room and realized I was upset. 

You know what the worst thing to do is: compare yourself to other people. I’ve heard this phrase time and time again, “Comparison is the thief of all joy.” It’s true. That’s what I was doing. I was sitting there looking at someone else’s life WISHING it was mine. Take it from me... don’t do that. You’ll regret it a lot because it will steal your joy. 

Right now we are in our second year of marriage and I was just laying on the couch wishing our life was going a different direction. Jealous of other people’s new flourishing families and how I was even mad at my husband for not being ready to start trying to have kids. We talked for a long time and then finally just went to sleep, because sometimes you just need to sleep. 

I woke up with a fresh mind and realized how selfish and ridiculous I was being the day before. I have the sweetest more reassuring husband out there who continuously told me that no matter what happens, whether we barely have to try to have kids or it takes us years, we will make it through. God’s plan is always greater than our own. He knows what he has in store for us so if I just let myself wallow in self pity that would not get me anywhere today. 

So I made a decision. I reminded myself to let God lead me each day in HIS joy that he has laid out for me. To know that our life is not the same as everyone else’s and I shouldn’t try to follow everyone else’s track but the one He has for us. 

So give us a few years. We’re praying that when we’re both ready to expand our family that we can have patience. Good things come in time. 

As I was falling asleep that night God showed me a name out of all of this. Who knows if we’ll be able to use it or not but I am thankful for that Word from Him. No matter what He intends comes from it. 

April Joy.