The Poll Vault

One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do ...

‘So what do I call you - Mike? Mikey? Mac? Mac-Mikey?’

I may be on the back bench but it’s a long time until the next election ...

Ah, Barnaby ... he probably should have stayed a Kiwi.

Oh, rats - I’m in that frame with Barnaby, aren’t I?

‘And you are ...?

Dear God, please let me keep my seat on the front bench.

‘Sorry, Barney? Barney who? Oh - Nabby, you say? Sorry, don’t know a Nabby.’

‘Let me tell you what I’d do about Barnaby Joyce ...’

‘Psst - wanna hold hands?’

‘Um ... it’s not that I don’t like you, Chris, but we’re not lining up for a school excursion. We’re running the shadow government.’

‘And it’s good to have Barnaby back in his rightful home ... New England, not New Zealand! Ha! Ha!’

‘Mr President, the High Commissioner to Great Britain is occupying the seat where a senator should rightfully be. Especially since he just told me he’s already living on “Big Ben time”.’

Hmm ... am I Australian? Should I check? Wait - I wear Speedos. I play sport. I drink beer ... Phew.

‘Marriage is a sacred, holy, special institution and God says only a man and a woman can get married because it’s so special that only a man and a woman can handle it and anyway I am not with my wife any more but I’m still a man and she is still a woman, so that’s all there is to know about it. What’s that? I can’t hear what the Opposition is saying I think they are catcalling me Mr Speaker maybe they don’t like me mentioning God, oh well, Christmas is coming, let’s move on to talking about Santa Claus who has been married to Mrs Claus for a very long time, they are making man-woman marriage work, isn’t it a beautiful thing?’