urine stain on the carpet

its monday remember to cough blood into your handkerchief and faint and hit your head on a sharp corner and have a beautiful solemn funeral

every time i see a picture of a coyote i am immediately like "omg my friend Cable Ties!"

I'll fucking kill tha ginch for cutting me a absolutely dog shit slice of roast beast dude was carving that up 3 sizes too thin

Being a bi guy quite possibly the funniest sexuality like dammmnnnn I know who John Waters is and jerk it to twinks in panties but I got a coffee date with Hetero Jessica from work at 3 thats her name heteroooo jessica thats her name folks thats what we call her hertero jessica

one time a guy i know whose girlfriend was heavily pregnant didn’t tweet anything for a whole day so i texted him ‘congrats on your baby’ and made him think i had some kind of baby precognition 

like six months after that just after halloween i asked to see his son dressed as a ‘fat baby pumpkin’ and he was like ‘who told you’ and i said ‘no one. it’s halloween. you have a fat baby. he’s going to be a pumpkin’ 

bbc sherlock wants what i have

it's annoying that video games disable achievements when you install mods. i DID kill alduin who cares if thomas the tank engine was there

I’m just an easy mark for dumb pilot humor. Today the captain was like “we’re now at altitude, feel free to move around, my one rule is you must stay inside the plane” and I lost it. It’s funny because you would die a horrible death akin to standing unencumbered on Pluto

so kojima got a new boy toy

More i Grow my body Stonger. More i Learn my head gets Longer. More i Eat my belly Bouncing… More i Fight my foes i’m Trouncing.

More i Sing my voice gets Louder… More i Boast my pride gets Prouder… More i Run my speed gets Upper… What about you Mother Fucker…

normally this is when people reblog posts like this and say something like “i was on so much painkillers when i made this” but that doesn’t apply here. i was completely lucid when i made this. i can remember writing this phenomenal post with crystal clarity. for me, it was typical. i could do this kind of thing every day if i wished to.

when u look at 2017 and think “oh that’s only like 3 years ago” and it’s actually 12,000 years ago and everything is gone and everyone you know has been reduced to ash and the world is completely different