OASIS

And suddenly it reminds me of you.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out. Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves.

Look at my eyes,

I whisper alone as I look at you from far away

Just smile for me once,

I can endure it just by seeing your face

If you are standing at the end of my life

If I can get closer to you

I can throw away everything

And run to you

Though I extend my hand,

Though I extend it with all my strength

I can’t reach you

It seemed like I got closer

So I called you with a fluttering heart

But there’s no answer

I guess I can never reach you

Every day changes so quickly

And you are warmly and brightly shining

I’ve never seen that turned back (your back)

Is curiosity also part of my greed?

Since when did I start being with you?

From the moment I opened my eyes and started to breathe

I was with you every night (we were together)

But I can’t approach you

Though I extend my hand (hold my hand)

Though I extend it with all my strength

I can’t reach you

It seemed like I got closer

So I called you with a fluttering heart

But there’s no answer (missing you)

I guess I can never reach you

Even if you tease me by saying this is foolish

I can’t turn this heart around

I shout out loud (shout out loud and call you)

I get angry

But it’s no use

I’m just one out of the many people

That pass by you (pass by you)

I’m not special to you

Though I extend my hand

Though I extend it with all my strength (I can’t reach you baby)

I can’t reach you

It seemed like I got closer (so I shout outloud and call you)

So I called you with a fluttering heart (I call out to you more)

But there’s no answer

I guess I can never reach you