Ruin

I’m infallible, I’m incorruptible, I’m unstoppable.

I have to keep this up, even if I don’t feel like I’m anything people say I am because I need to maintain that persona for everyone else who depends on me. It’s not even difficult for me to do so because I know I’m capable and I know I’m not disposed to being anything else other than a Pilar of strength in other peoples’ lives.

It’s like an impostor syndrome where everyone sings me praise and they all think I’m great, but am I really? I don’t feel great, and the people whose opinions actually matter to me don’t seem to think I’m that great either… so am I?

I don’t really know to be honest. I don’t know if I’m actually great, or if I’m just the person I am to everyone because I think that’s the only way I can win people over. I consistently go above and beyond and then some, so of course people are going to take notice and of course I’m going to be looked at as incredible, but does that really mean that I am?

I don’t feel very incredible. I don’t think anything I do would really matter if I wasn’t viewed in comparison to others who don’t care nearly as much as I do about other people. My insane drive to make everyone around me happy is slowly but surely ruining my life and I don’t know how to slam the brakes on it anymore.

I tell myself love just isn’t for me, but I never tend to accept that for as long as I’d like to and I’ve been happy these past few years on my own. Maybe that’s not true. Maybe, I’ve just gotten very good at lying to myself about it?

It’s hard not to look at them and think about all the others. She reminds me so much of everyone else I’ve ever wanted to make happy. Every time I see her face light up with a smile and with every warm embrace… I feel things. I don’t want to lose that feeling. I just don’t think the feelings are mutual; and that’s important to note. I think about just letting it go,

I don’t really know what to write on here about. A lot happened in my life since I’ve left this site and to be honest I never planned on returning, but sometimes I think I need to be able to write and at least jot down whatever it is I’m feeling and going through. Whether it’s positive or not, I think writing things down helps me conceptualize what I’m experiencing.

I left this app because for a long time I felt like I had failed in what I wanted this blog to be. This was my second attempt, and yet another failure. It became so rife with negativity that I couldn’t bear to look at it anymore. I had failed; and at the time I didn’t believe some things were worth saving... so I left.

I think shortly afterwards I think Sara and I started dating. I’m not even sure if she’s on here anymore or if I ever even followed her to begin with. Maybe this violates my promise to her that she’d never have to see or hear from me ever again... Either way, it’s been long enough that I think we’d both be past however petty we felt towards eachother back then.

Sara was my world for about a year. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with how badly I messed that up, and how hurt she really was. This world does things to you if you don’t have your guard up, but it’s so exhausting being this young and having to keep your guard up so high and steadily firm all the time. I think it really got to us both, but I think I broke first.

I never did apologize for how I was back then, and I don’t think I’ll ever get the chance to, but I’m OK with that now. We aren’t always given the option to have that kind of closure with someone, and I’ve accepted that in this case as I have in many other scenarios. I’m grateful at least that lesson I’d learned very young. It’s served me well.

I don’t know what else to say. I think that’s it for now. I’m glad I’m back on here and I remember a lot of you that are still here and I’m real happy all of this still exists. Most of my social media now-a-days is flooded with family & coworkers, so I can’t really vent on there. I’d much rather scream out into the void on here anyway.