today i watched the sunset by myself for the first time in years. you weren't by my side like you always used to be. i had been putting this off for two whole months. i didn't want the reality of the situation to set in. it's spring now, (your favorite season) the sun rays warming my face reminded me of your smile, the private smiles you had saved just for me to see. watching the sunsets from now on might be ruined for me. i don't think watching another one in our bed, this time your side empty, your body completely out of reach, is going to be bareable, not when I'll have to be the one doing it for two. maybe, who knows you might be the actual sunset itself from now on. you always told me that if you were to die first i should search for you somewhere out in the world. you used to say you wanted to be one with the universe. i might start telling myself that from now on. i need to cling, hold onto you in some kind of way. i'm terrified of the day your scent is going to wear off, just fade completely. i'm terrified of a future without you.
-theodore
