Hey, I was looking at old reblogs and came across your post about how as a trans man you were feeling unusually lonely (for complex reasons you explored in the post (which is always a great read btw)) and wanted to check in.
I don't expect you to have just... figured out a solution to this or anything. I just wanted to check up on how you've been doing, if the feeling has faded in any way (or otherwise become routine, which would be sad news)
Thank you for asking. I’ve been sitting on this question for a bit because, unfortunately, the loneliness has become routine, and chronic.
But I couldn’t tell you how much of it is strictly due to being a man since there are a lot of other factors involved:
I moved to a new state where I don’t know many people.
This is the first time I’m interacting with the world as myself since I was a kid, and I’ve been very slow to open up due to how new and taboo it feels.
I’m struggling to put my life in order after giving up who I used to be, so as much as I want to go out there and make friends, I feel really unfit to do so at the moment...
Post-pandemic socialization is just kind of a weird bag, man. Idk.
However, I do think the fact I read as a Cishet Straight White Guy™ makes overcoming these things harder. People seem to offer much less emotional support compared to when I was perceived as a woman, so I’ve had to be my own source of encouragement with it all.
Now, I could easily get around this barrier by telling people I’m trans, but I don’t like doing this because a) I don’t want to out myself, and b) not everyone is normal about learning I’m trans. And I’m not just talking about transphobes; trans allies and queer folks also get weird about it.
Allies generally have their hearts in the right place, but many of them interpret “trans man” and “cis man” as two different genders (they’re not), and will often subconsciously treat me as something other than male when they learn I’m trans. This forfeits all that I’ve done to be perceived as myself.
As for queer people, I’ve met a bizarre number of them who seem to think I’m magically polygamous, pansexual, and interested in fucking them and their partners simply because I’m trans. Not only is this a bold assumption to make about my sexual and romantic preferences (I’m extremely monogamous, gray-asexual, and selectively biromantic), it’s frankly rather objectifying.
So I’m really disincentivized to tell people I’m trans unless it’s clear I can trust them to be normal about it.
But I've yet to discover a solution that doesn't involve outing myself. I’m wondering if dressing in a more gender-nonconforming way would help, but I think my real problem is a confidence issue. The men I felt safe approaching in the past were ones who were comfortable with themselves and who put others at ease with their presence. It’s hard for me to put others at ease when I don’t feel at ease myself. I need to get to a point where I’m not struggling so much in order to do this, and I think that’ll just come with time.
(It would be easier if I wasn’t feeling so lonely...but here we are.)
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