long way home

Wait. Did you get the whole back? turn around, let me see.

See. You can’t fire me. Barry would never allow it.

What if I yell at you? Same impact or no?

Oh my GOD. Wait, show me the back. Did you get the whole back—oh my god. It’s so…oh my god. You thought that was it?

Tell him if he wants to fight about it, he can come over here without Lysol. I dare him.

What is your idea of perfect happiness? Sunday morning, I’m hanging out in bed in my apartment. Everyone’s home and there’s coffee going and it’s raining.

What is your greatest fear? Being alone.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? I’m really impulsive. Sometimes it’s good but most of the time it makes stuff hard.

What is the trait you most deplore in others? I hate rage. Not like, justified rage, but that unbridled shit I can’t handle because there’s usually so much in its wake.

Which living person do you most admire? Barry and Mama Winchester.

What is your greatest extravagance? I have a personal espresso machine. Only Cass, Asher, and I can use it.

What is your current state of mind? I am content.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue? Chasity. 

On what occasion do you lie? When I need to.

What do you most dislike about your appearance? Nothing, really. I’m getting older which I was always afraid of but I’m still a handsome fuck.

Which living person do you most despise? Trump.

What is the quality you most like in a man? If his chest and shoulders are broad he can fuck me up.

What is the quality you most like in a woman? Like, if she’s down for whatever that’s good.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse? Bruh.

What or who is the greatest love of your life? Barry and Cass.

When and where were you happiest? Now’s pretty good. It took so long to get here.

Which talent would you most like to have? I want to be better at guitar. Been a minute since I played.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Less impulsive.

What do you consider your greatest achievement? The sheer fact that all of these kids are alive, especially Rose. We really could have fucked that up.

If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? A suburban golden retriever.

Where would you most like to live? Go back home to Seattle but only if my family comes with.

What is your most treasured possession? My mom’s old baseball jersey.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? When my mom died.

What is your favorite occupation? I love my shop. Opening it was the best drunk decision I ever made.

What is your most marked characteristic? Impulsiveness.

What do you most value in your friends? They’re always there.

Who are your favorite writers? Kerouac. Whatever. I’m fake deep.

Who is your hero of fiction? Thor.

Which historical figure do you most identify with? Um, I really don’t know.

Who are your heroes in real life? Barry and Alex.

What are your favorite names?  Cassandra and Shane

What is it that you most dislike? Starbucks. Kiss my ass.

What is your greatest regret? I don’t know that I regret anything.

How would you like to die? In my sleep.

I’m calling it, Barry’s my real dad now. You’re dead to me.

Okay, I’m done being roasted by my teenager. Go send your complaints to your father because my office is closed.

Dude, Dad, you fucked this up. You’re so blonde, it’s gonna look dumb when it grows out.

You dye your hair in our bathroom all the time, how could I possibly have fucked this up?

Helping you fulfill your wish is everything, Theo.

I...dyed my hair and he’s like, really not happy about it. 

No, I don’t think we will it’s just—I remember how bad he was before and I just see flashes of it. I thought that after transitioning he’d like–calm it down a bit. Oh I’m planning on it.  If I don’t wake up with Cass in Rose’s room at least morning, I will be stunned. STUNNED.

Well, she can achieve the blonde a little bit better than you can right now.

I don’t think Gwen wants you rubbing your dirty face on me. How about you put bleach on it before I come over there?

He’s not going to be perfect. Dude, he’s already so much better. He’s working at the shop and he’s doing great there. He is calming down, I think. I’ve certainly noticed a difference. He has friends at school, he’s doing good. Barry said he’d lock the door if Cass snuck out and I think she’s realized how serious he is about it.

Has Barry seen?

Yeah, he’s...not happy. I’m sleeping on the couch. So Dion’s cool with your room?

...I mean, I didn’t have a stroke.

I wish I could help, but I’m collecting that sweet sweet unemployment right now.

Oh I will once he starts speaking to me again. I am....decidedly not one of his right now.

Oh no. After the orange he became Bitchy Spice. He’s in a really fine mood lately and reminding me why he was sent to that boarding school in the first place. I pictured that—Rose was heartbroken when we told her she couldn’t go see Cass.

Probably not. It’s just easy to see where her bloodline came from. She’s pure Ramsey.

It’s not that bad, you’re all just overreacting. At least mine isn’t alive and crawling on my face.

He....I don’t think he needs to go back there again, He’s just going through some stuff. He’s so much better now than he was. Oh Cass is one step away from climbing into Rose’s window.

Money AND scones?!? Sign me up!

And you though of little ol me? I’m touched! Of all the artists in Brooklyn coming to the hip new Mud House?

Oh boo, not while Barry’s in the next room.

I think I’m rather composed considering we’re going through living in the epicenter of a global crisis with Sporty Spice, Genius Spice and Bitchy Spice.

Ohhhh my god. There’s more Winchesters. And he came in through your teenage daughter’s WINDOW? Theo, she’s JUST LIKE YOU.

Oh god, I’m surprised she’s not divorcing you over it. It’s alive and gross.

I would ask how Boo is but I hear her and Cass talk seven times a day through the wall. Piper keeps calling Barry. And he is not Bitchy Spice, he can be Beardy Spice. He’s fine. Be nice.