My Journey From Secondary Infertility to Pregnancy

Still here, still pregnant.  I’ve had two overnight stays in the hospital so far.  First was at 30w6d and the other was 32w2d.  I’ve had the steroid shots so far, and multiples tests.  My cervix went from 3cm in length or 1.5cm in length between my first stay at the hospital and the following week.  However, everything has stabilized.  I’m pleased with this, but I’m also really done with being pregnant now.  I have the most extreme pain in my lower back, pelvis, etc...  

26 Weeks - how did I get here?  Sometimes it all just feels like some kind of strange dream.  A dream come true though.  I’ve always thought having twins would be exciting.  It’s only now that i’m in the thick of it all, that I think how scary this whole thing really is.  You see, going from secondary infertility to being blessed with two rainbows, I can truly say that I have nothing but joy and excitement for the love of two babies.  

With that said, I am always puzzled by how miserable some twin mother’s can be about their own double blessings.  I’ve met some mom’s who will spend the whole evening dwelling on their lack of social life, their fatigue, or even trying to tell me that twins really are double trouble.  Can we not just support one another through this journey, instead of trying to instil fear in those about to join the twin club?  Are we not in this together?  Do we have to cut each other down?  

Today, 13 October 2015, I’m 26 weeks pregnant with a boy and a girl set of twins.  I feel them kick and hiccup.  I am certain they understand “look”, because every time I ask my husband to glance at my moving belly, they seem to stop all their dancing.  They are approximately 1.5 lbs each and about 14″ in length.  My love for them is immensely deep.  I can truly say that the 3D/4D ultrasound we did last weekend was really helpful in allowing me to bond with them.  

This weekend, my plan is to tackle the nursery and get some fresh paint on it.   I also plan to get some freezer meals underway.  

I don’t know how to explain everything I’ve been feeling and honestly, some of the thoughts I feel terrible over.  Every possible scenario has gone through my head, and has literally consumed me.  At first, in the early weeks, I feared that I would lose the pregnancy, but then the nausea and nipple pain kicked in.  Those were reassuring signs to me that all would be fine, and frankly if it wasn’t for the extreme symptoms in my first trimester, I would have driven myself insane.  Sometimes if I wasn’t feeling nauseated, I would skim a hand over my nipple just to make sure that this symptom of early pregnancy was still present.

At about week 17, I started to feel pretty good.  My nausea subsided by then and I was glad that I could finally start to enjoy the beautiful glorious fairytale of the second trimester.  Ahh....but that was short lived.  Now that I’m at the tail end of the second trimester, I’m feeling like I realize that the glow of the second trimester was short lived.  At about week 19, I started getting pubic symphysis dysfunction.  Which is fancy for, I feel like I got kicked in the crotch multiple times.  It has quickly affected my daily quality of life.  I have difficulty moving from side to side when I sleep at night.  Walking involves a limp now, and i’m even starting to notice that getting in and out of a vehicle is becoming laborious.  I haven’t been able to sleep properly in weeks from the pain.  Being 25 weeks today, I check off one more week down, but looking ahead is frightening and discouraging- I technically have 3 more months to go.  I am not sure if I’ll make it to my scheduled c-section, but I sure hope I can get close enough.  

I guess the part that pains me the most, is that 24 weeks have gone by, and I’ve stressed myself so badly throughout all of it.  With my hand on my heart, I can attest that I have not truly been able to or even allowed myself to enjoy my pregnancy, and this makes me feel guilty.  Guilty, because I wanted this pregnancy so badly.  We went nearly 3.5 years trying to conceive.  Part of me is still lost from our miscarriage in February, but another part of me just won’t allow myself to enjoy this pregnancy (despite all of the health issues I’m dealing with at the moment) out of fear of losing the twins.  

Well - we are hitting week 24 in just a couple of days and I realized that I haven’t posted anything in a little while.  My intent was to document my journey of infertility or maybe more like “out of infertility”.  I am almost done this pregnancy, with about 12 weeks left to it and honestly, I am still in complete awe and disbelief.  What is life going to be like with two babies?  Will my love be able to be shared with 2 babies and an almost 9 year old?  I hope my heart can stretch so far for them.

It’s funny how two weeks can seem like an eternity. The only comparison of the time warp of the post IUI two week wait, is when my husband got shot and I was on double duty in the ICU, caring for him. Everything else I have ever done, or waited for, has never dragged on in such a slow motion, as the post IUI 2WW.

It is 5dpiui. At 3 and 4dpiui, I had some cramping. Today, I’ve started some serious fatigue. Great! Maybe I will be lucky again this time. But I feel like I am going completely crazy. Comparing symptoms from my last IUI, this cycle seems like a bust. What if this is all the Crinone’s doing? What if it’s faking me out? Another thought - what if my symptoms were so strong last time because my baby implanted on my ovary and not in my uterus? I didn’t have any symptoms with my first pregnancy until about 5 weeks into my pregnancy, but it was also my first and I had no thought of a possible pregnancy.

This time I have a lot invested emotionally. First pregnancy post ovarian ectopic, and first time I’ve had two follicles. It’s strange sometimes how the mind plays games on you. I went into this treatment with a positive, “let’s do this!” mentality. After the IUI was actually done, I almost cowered from those feelings and became so reserved in my excitement.