Showing More Restraint

Intimacy, it turns out. Selena cared about intimacy, and kink was a way for her to be intimate with others. Intimacy and sex are not the same. Intimacy can be in service of sex or sex can be in service of intimacy, or they can be completely separate..."

Like, yeah you can have multiple friends, multiple best friends even, and you're expected and encouraged to have close platonic feelings and connections with all of them. You can be sexually attracted to multiple people at the same time, and that's also expected in most company, even when you're in an exclusive sexual relationship. People also expect you to love your family all equally, especially if that family contains multiple children.

The NC part of CNC is almost always what's focused on in every CNC concept, literature, video etc. And yeah, it's cool and all. But the consent in CNC? It's the main event. The foundation. It's everything.

non-consent is often emphasised cause it's the alluring part, the risky part, it feels like it's the thing that makes CNC what it is. But it pales in comparison to the consent aspect.

Like, here you've got a sub who is so devoted to you, so longing and needy that they want to give you full, raw control. They trust you to look after them with their whole being; they want to give you everything. They feel so safe around you that they're willing to fully submit to the idea of giving you what you want when you want it. There's just something so great about the fact that a sub is consenting to—asking; begging to—be completely beneath you, to being nothing, defiled, cause they want you. They love you. They know that you will keep them safe above all else.

And don't forget the aftercare!! The soothing cuddles and warm baths. The "you did so well, baby, I'm so proud of you," The reassuring that your sub is important and safe, making sure they're okay, ugh. It's just all so wholesome.

VET. YOUR. DOMS.

Note game!!

Every 5 notes will add an edge

Every 15 notes add 30 minutes of latex mask time

At 30 notes ill add nipple clamps

At 40 notes ill put my ballgag in

At 50 notes ill change them to my clover clamps

At 60 notes ill train my throat some more

At 75 il will change it to my dildo gag

At 100 notes ill sleep cuffed

85 - hour trapped in the closet with everything listed above

95 - plugged during the edges

And if we hit 150+ ill actually earn a free orgasm 😳🥵🙈🙈🙈

Note game!!

Every 5 notes will add an edge

Every 15 notes add 30 minutes of latex mask time

At 30 notes ill add nipple clamps

At 40 notes ill put my ballgag in

At 50 notes ill change them to my clover clamps

At 60 notes ill train my throat some more

At 75 il will change it to my dildo gag

At 100 notes ill sleep cuffed

There has been so much talk about safe words. As a submissive and switchy woman, I have experience on both ends of the spectrum with both failures and successes.

Safe words are an integral part of any D/s relationship. Some safe words are no. Some are the stoplight system. No is NOT a safe word for me personally though I know many submissives with no as a safe word and works perfectly appropriately.

If you decide your dynamic DOES NOT require a safe word, you are in more danger then you even realize. My Daddy talked about wearing a seatbelt. If you don’t want to wear your seatbelt that’s your decision. Just remember you are in a significantly more dangerous position than someone wearing their seatbelt. I’ve been in a flipped car where the only thing that saved my life, with two inches from my head to the ground, was my seatbelt. That seatbelt saved my life. It’s something people always say, ‘Wear your seatbelt’ but until you have first hand experience, with your head two inches from the asphalt, it’s hard to truly gauge what a seatbelt can do for you.

Safe words are seatbelts. No, I don’t suppose you HAVE to wear one, yes it is your perogative to gamble with your personal health however you see fit. Your chances of being harmed are statistically AND significantly increased with out the use of safe words. But you do you. As an adult over 18, gamble with your personal mental, sexual, physical, and spiritual health however you want. For me, I want to wear my seatbelt. As a top, I want my submissive to have their seatbelt. As a bottom, I want my seatbelt, my safe word.

Let me tell you my experience with and without safe words. What happens when you have them and what happens when you are denied one, fail to negotiate one, or think you’ve been with someone for so many years that you trust them implicitly to respect any limits you may have.

1. I firmly believe a Dominant’s goal should never be to push their bottom to use their safe word. Safe words are for immediate check-ins and STOP. A Dominant’s role isn’t to push a bottom to their limits. A Dominant’s goal is to fulfill the bottoms needs and the Dominant’s wants. If you WANT to push your sumbissive/bottom to use their safe words, that’s not considered edge play. That’s considered fucking with someone to get them to their breaking point.

I have my scenes where I cry my eyes out, and beg not to be beaten. One of my tops who I have known since 2017 and I use the tap out method (MMA style) and the stoplight system in case of safe word use. He brings the crying cathartsis and keeps at it for a little longer until he can finally hear that one specific cry. He knows it’s time to wind down. He and I have trust. Just like the trust everyone says they have that requires them to not have a safe word. Though my trust is great, my right to retain my safe word is there. Always. And I fucking LIVE for edge play. I like some really fucked up shit. I am a masochist that has an ass that’s a sheet of black. No really, I LIVE for edge play. I LIVE for my safe words.

2. Every dynamic should employ a safe word. I don’t care if you never use it, you need to have one. I regret the moment I failed to negotiate one and it was one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made in my kink life.

3. I HAVE BEEN IN A SITUATION WHERE I DIDN’T/COULDN’T SAFE WORD AND MY CONSENT WAS VIOLATED. I had mouth rope and couldn’t say anything. I personally failed to negotiate a back up safe word such as a drop item, because I was playing with someone I was in a relationship with. I trusted him, and he was the person I shared most of my edge play with. I have been in intensive therapy for what happened with him. I have spent thousands of dollars on therapy for a situation that could have been avoided. I failed to put a priority on my safe words and negotiation because I was comfortable with this person. They had been a part of my life for years. BUT I LITERALLY COULDN’T TALK! A hard limit was crossed. I was helpless…hopeless. and I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t stop it. WAKE UP. I see the things I could have done differently like NEGOTIATE A SAFE WORD. There is never an excuse to not have a safe word. Wear your fucking seatbelt. Don’t you want to do EVERYTHING you can to make sure that the relationship with your Dominant and submissive is as open as possible? As communicative as possible?

When safe words go RIGHT. I had to use my safe word once with Daddy. We were engaging in sexual interactions and my brain went funky and I had to safe word. I don’t know why. Daddy did nothing wrong, but because of my PTSD I needed to stop. I said Red. 🛑 Daddy stopped. He asked me if I was okay. He held me as I cried. No damage was done because we communicated so well.

Anyway. This whole thing is so frustrating. If you are a Dominant that thinks your submissive doesn’t need a safe word. Unfollow me. If you are a submissive who thinks they don’t need a safe word. Unfollow me. I don’t believe you to be safe people, I don’t need unsafe people in my sphere.