Like you're not even that hot and you act like it's empowering and building character to be ran through. Like your priorities don't even align with the shit you're rocking, dog

As soon as I shut my laptop, I have a cocktail in hand. We float around the pool naked, eating strawberries, drinking Walmart champagne, taking a bump every now and then, blasting Walter wanderley.

I vividly remember this one day we woke up and as if we were in sync asked one another, “should we take the Molly?” And we did. The backyard is fully private. I remember it was such a beautiful day - 78, sunny. After eating the Molly, we both ate handfuls of mushrooms, and spent the day bobbing around on floats in the pool, listening to Walter wanderley from the early morning until it got dark. It felt electric.

That night we strapped our headlamps on and road our bikes to the beach, completely fucked up. Not a soul was outside. The beach was technically “shut down” because of Covid - but who was going to check at 2 am in the morning. I just remember the moss covered trees illuminated by moonlight, we would play Walter wanderley on a bike speaker. It felt like a dream world. Like a cartoon. Or astral projecting. Bike riding at night with no cars or people or sound other than our music. I remember skipping around in the waves and laying in the sand and counting stars. I don’t remember biking home, but we did. I remember us waking up in bed, all sandy. We would do this so many nights in a row. If it wasn’t drugs, it was booze.

I also thought this job wasn’t going to have as much travel… But they asked me to go to Kuala Lumpur Malaysia next month lol. I of course can’t go because the dates of the conference conflict with my best friends’s wedding, which also happens to be on the anniversary of my dad‘s death. Can’t wait for that one. Luckily, she hates her own father, and while he will be there, they are not doing a dance and he is not walking her down the aisle.

I have been having a really hard time lately with grief. It was my grandma‘s passing, who I was very close to, over Valentine’s Day weekend. And the third year of my dad‘s passing is coming up towards the end of April. I can’t believe it’s been three years already. It was kind of psychotic of me to try and start a new job during this time when I know how frail my mental health is, but life goes on I suppose.

I just didn’t expect Work to be this busy this quickly. I should be traveling to Portland, Oregon in Las Vegas in the next month and a half. It makes me nervous not really understanding the drugs yet or the client strategy, but I guess it’s a baptism by fire.

Outside of that, I have my looming pulmonology appointment in two weeks, along with some blood testing, and I’m extremely scared for the results. I am quite literally the heaviest I’ve ever been in my entire life right now, which every time in my life I’ve said that previously, I hoped that’s the heaviest I would get, but here we are.

It was tough this past year having my lungs completely fucked for six months where I couldn’t work out, then I broke my rib, so I couldn’t lift any weights. And when I finally healed from that, and was back on the up and up in Istanbul, I tore my MCL and have been working on healing that now for the last 2 months.