it’s been a while. i don’t really know how to catch anyone who’s been following my story all up to speed to what’s been happening, but it’s been a lot.
when i first came out over two years ago, my first fears weren’t necessarily the wrath i’d receive; i’d spent months as an “ally” trying to justify queerness to myself for the sake of my friends and, funnily, the fandoms i was a part of. i wasn’t exactly sure if questioning my sexuality was always going to end up happening or if myself questioning the religious acceptance of it was just the trigger for questions i’d repressed for years.
but i’d mostly accepted it and clung to the idea that the verses having to do with homosexuality were simply mistranslations and reflective of a society that God’s new testament covenant would wipe away anyways.
and even when my therapist and eventually close mentors from church found out, it wasn’t something i really questioned in full detail. but it was guilt-inducing when all of the people who knew of my issues were either religious and homophobic, gay and non-religious, or in the same position as i am.
so, i guess all of it added up and i broke down, too afraid to live a life where i’d always be questioning. would i really be happy living authentically if that meant a lifetime of wondering if i was making a sinful, hell-causing, lifestyle decision?
and when i told my church leader i no longer wanted to continue meeting with her, she cried for me. horrified, unknowing to the idea that she could have caused me more harm than good. i don’t even know if all of the accountability counseling and praying it away with her was even causing anything but more spiraling. i was between decisions; between dropping my faith entirely and pushing away anything that reminded me of the God i once trusted, or fully giving into what was being preached.
so i did what was very stupidly ironic. i went back.
i can’t exactly explain the logic behind myself making the choice to text her again, and eventually meet up with her to talk, but it very likely was due to the pent up guilt i harnessed from reaching my breaking point and taking out said issues on her.
the difficult part is that i know in my head that conversion therapy doesn’t work—sexual orientation is virtually unchangeable, other than what religious leaders often say are “miraculous changes.” nowadays, the only expectations that are had for people with same-sex attraction are celibacy. but i made the decision, about a month ago, that i was going to try and achieve that goal, and walk away from it all.
and it’s all even more dumb when i say that i’ve felt more close to God. when i told her the other day that i feel so horrible about it all, have been having nightmares about it and can’t even think too hard about our old meetings before panicking, she said i’m being convicted—that i’m finally having some exciting, motivational drive to change for God. it makes me worry that my closeness to religion lately is the cause of said internal homophobia. it’s extremely difficult praying and asking God to show you if you’re sinning or not, and not knowing if the pain is from him answering your request or just PTSD from everything. or is that proof enough?
so, i guess all this to say is that i’m not really sure where i am right now, or if i’ll ever be in a place where i can confidently be okay with anything. im trying to cling to the bit of faith i still have, trying to stay for now, but i don’t quite know if that will end up lasting
theartofmadeline
snowghoul
blakekathryn
prguitarman
pixelskylines
vaporwave
