The Milestone

It's another day of not talking to anyone. I tried talking to friend last. Ivey which ended up in argument and I'm still hurting. They didn't like that I wanted their attention - and in all honesty, neither do I. I don't want to be demanding it, it would just be nice if someone cared about me, and it really feels like I am surrounded by people who don't really care for me. I think I care for them, but sometimes I'm not sure how I feel. I just know that I hurt. I wish I could end it now, but got about 18 months left before the deadline. Maybe if I push everyone away it will make it easier - though realising that this is a repeated thought of mine. That this task will be easier to fulfil if I am alone, completely alone and know that no one loves me. Maybe I should try starving myself to death like my uncle.

Fear is OK, it is normal. I will feel it in my final moments but it has to be done. I have to do this to make sure I don't ruin anyone. My existence will just bring pain to the people I love, and my current existence already causes them anguish. I wish I could be better, but this is the best I can give in reality.

Honestly not sure what made me think that If he couldn't love me, that he could at least love me as a friend. Think this text exchange says it all. I'm an idiot for trying and putting myself out there as a friend, I'll just get it thrown back in my face. And when that happens I have to make sure I am not emotional or show how I feel at all. This will just get me branded as a psycho or hysterical or "on the rag", whatever it is that men think women are when they are legitimately upset. I'm an idiot and I can't wait to die.

I'm feeling a lityle lost right now and alone. All my friends cancelled on me this weekend and then I found out two of them hung out together without me. It made me feel even more out of place, realising that even when I am away for long periods of time my friends still don't have time for me. I feel like a leech for just asking if someone is free to hang out. Anyway, see this 'True Home' test on Facebook and this was my result. Even with all the algorithms involved in this shitty thing, something I took for a joke has made me feel worse. I can't wait for 32 right now. Was so close to doing it last night but had to compose myself and remember that I had a milestone. These milestones stop me from doing it in my moments of madness. I don't want to do it for some shitty reason like having shitty friends.