My FUCKED up mind.

My entire life I have prided myself on being what others would call a “prude”, Just because I have a half pretty face and not an ounce of fat on my body its always been automatically assumed that I was a fast girl. But as years went on and boys continued to try to break that barrier, I still respected myself too much to let my morals go.

So tell me, why am I sitting here replaying a situation over and over in my head that should quiet honestly disgust me.

Your hands laced in the most sexual way possible (I never knew holding hands could be so intimate until you. ) The way you tilted your head and pleaded “for me?” when I said no at first.

The way you stuck your tongue out at me and said “youre so cute”

Especially not the part where you grabbed my hips and told me to stop running and I did just that, gave in to everything, knowing it would leave me broken.

Because youre the type of boy who makes a girl feel like shes worth a million dollars in the moment and then throws her to the side when you've gotten what you “worked” for.

so tell me why I care, why I still sit up until five am waiting on that snap chat or message that I know will only be asking for nudes or when everyone will be out of my house for the day so we can “see” each other again.

I ordered some picture prints just the other day and received them just a few hours ago. As I sift and sort my way through 350 new picture additions, I see everyone from my amazing little boy to friends ill probably never REALLY have again, I began feeling sick. The sick feeling hasn't left and I cant seem to figure out how to shake it.

    I'm realizing now that even with all these pictures, these memories... I never captured ours, and to me that feels like I'm missing a chapter in my life, I can never sit down and pull out old pictures when I’m missing you. I never got to capture the light In your eyes when you smiled at me just because you liked looking into my eyes. I never got to document any of our time.

I really wish I wouldn't have taken our time for granted...

       Sitting here with my beautiful three year old boy watching cartoons, snuggling on the couch and I should be happy. But somethings always missing, no matter if all the bills are paid, house is spotless... fridge is full and my bank account isn't on empty for once....there's always a weird longing feeling I've had for years that I cant even explain what it is that makes me feel....not sad...not upset...empty? Yes. That's a good word for it, even if it doesn't fully explain the sensation, you can imagine the big picture.