I've stepped away from this account, for awhile, to reflect on what is going on with Merlin. Yesterday's appointment did not go as planned. After several vets encouraged me to go through with the surgery, the surgeon himself came at me with some information that was hard to take. Don't worry. I don't think we're going to lose him anytime soon...though I might have lost him if I'd gone through with the surgery. Here's what the other doctors didn't tell me: A congenital diaphragmatic hernia is dangerous to correct in an 11 year old cat. I suspected this was the case, but the other vets were so encouraging about me going through with it that I started to get more comfortable with the idea. I don't blame these vets. Most of them aren't surgeons. The guy I talked to yesterday was someone who had seen these sorts of cases before, so his opinion carried a bit more weight. Merlin's organs have never, ever been in the right place. His lungs have always been smooshed in, due to the...er, unconventional position of his liver. To suddenly free them of all constraints sounds like a capital idea...except for the fact that they aren't used to it. Suddenly flooded with air, they might become severely inflamed, which could lead to Merlin dying within 24 hours. Add that to the fact that the vets STILL aren't sure that surgery will correct the nausea, or that the hernia is even related. I am getting this after a 2nd, 3rd, 4th and now 5th opinion. I was willing to go through with the procedure and take the risk that it wouldn't help, based on the fact that there was a *strong possibility* of it helping. But the possibility if it NOT helping, combined with the very real possibility of it killing him, makes me very hesitant to go through with it. Add that to the fact that Merlin has been healthier over the past week than I've seen him in a long time. The extra love, attention and careful monitoring of his diet has been really good for him. His coat is glossy. His energy level is great. He loves his new toys and he's acting like a complete snuggle monster. He hasn't thrown up in over a week, long after the time when his primary care vet says that the anti-nausea meds SHOULD have stopped working. This cat has so much life in him, and surgery could snuff that out within hours.Â
I had to take a long, hard look at myself and realize that I wasn't actually doing the surgery for Merlin. I was doing it for people who would have judged me for not doing it. I realized that there also might be people who would judge me FOR doing the surgery if I had gone in that direction. Most of these people are probably imaginary, and none of them have DVM after their name. None of them live with Merlin. None of them have spent sleepless nights hoping that they would still get go cuddle him in the morning. None of them have asked him what he wants...only I have done this. Everyone whose opinion counts understands this. My friends have been very supportive and respectful of my decision. Sometimes there are no "good" options, only options that are less shitty than others. All we can do is have compassion for ourselves as we navigate these difficult decisions. We've all been there. I really want to appreciate the donors who have covered all these vet visits. This has made these last few difficult weeks much more bearable. I am aware that Merlin's health is fragile, and he could take a turn for the worse at any time. So, I'm tucking the money away in a Merlin account. This will cover keeping him as healthy as possible with his chronic condition. I am shutting down further donations, as of today. Thank you for your support, everyone...be you friends or random good samaritans. In a world full of ugly politics, fear and hatred, your act of kindness is a beacon of light and hope. I will never forget you.
