Welcome To The Trash Heap

every audience member sitting at home and eating a pb&j for dinner(again):

They are all SO FUCKING CUTE

Who let Sandro put on eyeliner? Was he not hot enough already? Eyeliner makes everyone at least 10% hotter, and when you're starting where he is, that extra bump makes him physically dangerous.

So.

This monstrosity is what gbbo was trying to pass off as a smore.

This is not a smore. Look at it. It’s downright undercooked. That’s not even marshmallow. Or chocolate. It looks cold. This is about as much a smore as Cris Pratt is a voice actor. As a corgi is a wolf. As gbbo is apparently competent at research.

Also me to explain what a smore is.

For anyone who doesn’t know what the fudge a smore is, it’s a typical summertime treat often made at summercamp, when camping, or if you live in a place with a fireplace/assess to a campfire sometimes you’ll use that.

Basically it goes like this; it takes five ingredients, gram crackers, any chocolate bar with rectangular pieces you can break off (traditionally Hershey’s as it’s the cheapest and smores tend to be made in bulk, it’s one of those things a group of people make together otherwise it won’t taste right) large marshmallows, an open flame, and as previously mentioned more than one person to make them at the same time. If you make smores alone, the smores too will be sad and alone.

First you take two gram crackers and break off 1 to 2 sections of chocolate. Place the chocolate on each side, so both sides are all chocolatey. Then you take a marshmallow and skewer it on either a pointy stick from the ground or a metal skewer specificity made for roasting marshmallows/hotdogs depending on if someone has any.

Next you, well, roast the marshmallows. If you’re doing this at a campfire this involves a lot of moving away from the direction the smoke is blowing well and minor amounts of giggle-filled pvp as everyone jostles for the best spots around the fire. Mellow roasting is one of those things that is kind of the point of making marshmallows, the epic highs and lows of seeing how close to the fire you can get yours and how long you can hold it there before it either falls off or catches fire is integral to the entire experience.

Once you hastily blow out the one-fire part of the marshmallow, you slide it off the stick and between the gram crackers and chocolate. Then you squish it a bit to get the chocolate all nice and gooey, and bite in.

It’s gooey, it’s very messy, and the closer it gets to midnight the more it’s delicious.

So now we have established what a smore is, allow me to explain how UTTERLY BUTCHERED that abomination of sugar is.

First, we have the ingredients themselves. Paul Bitchwood describes the middle as ‘Italian meringue’.

Italian meringue.

Italian. Fucking. Meringue.

*deep breath*

IS NOT A MARSHMALLOW.

It does not share THE BASIC PROPERTIES OF A MARSHMALLOW.

YOU CANNOT STAB MERINGUE WITH A STCK AND HAVE IT STAY ON THE FUCKING SICK. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A MARSHMALLOW BEFORE MR BITCHWOOD???? WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO THROW THE TOP OF A LEMON MERINGUE PIE AT YOU TO DEMONSTRATE “PAUL”?! IF IT DOESN’T BOUNCE ITS NOT A FUCKING MELLOW AND THE EFECT ON YOUR FACE WOULD BE ONE HELL OF AN IMPROVEMENT!

So already we have the single most important ingredient straight up ‘substituted’ (if you can even call it that) for an entirely different food with a completely different texture, taste, consistency, and behavior under heat.

But there’s more!

See, that chocolate? It’s not melted chocolate like you might think at first glance- no no no, that’s fucking GANACHE.

YOU KnOW, The THing With THE CoNsistenCY of FroSTING???? :) :) :)

The thing that you expressly don’t want to melt when using it in cooking on pain of death?

Thus removing THE ENTIRE PURPOSE CONSISTENCY FLAVER AND TEXTURE OF THE INGREDIENT

AGAIN!

and then. Ohhhhhhh and then.

Those are no gram crackers.

Those are ‘digestibles”

WHAT THE FUCK ARE DIGESTABLES

THATS WHAT HAPPENS TO ALL FOOD ITS NOT SPECIAL DUMBASS

WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF RICH PEOPLE SHIT ARE YOU EATING THAT YOU NEED TO POINT THAT OUT IN THE NAME

WHAT THE FUCK

AND IT AGAIN HAS A DIFFERENT EVERYTHING THEN GRAaM CRACKERS

WHY

YOU DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO DO THAT IF YOU WANTED IT TO SOUND FANCY YOU COULD HAVE JUST MADE GRAM CRACKERS FROM SCRATCH IVE NEVER SEEN ANYONE DO IT BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU BUT ITS AT LEAST POSSIBLE AGHHHHHHHHHHH

And then. To add insult to injury after FUCKING injury.

It’s a circle.

It’s A CiRcLE.

WHY IS IT A CIRCLE.

IT SHOULNT BE A CIRCLE-

graham cracker from scratch (not a digestive. graham crackers are square and less dense in texture than digestives)

marshmallow from scratch (not Italian meringue, which is totally different in texture than a marshmallow)

high-quality store-bought chocolate bar (this really doesn't need to be anything but a solid piece of chocolate)

spear the marshmallow on a metal fork or skewer and toast it all over with a blowtorch until you get peak golden-brown toastiness

quickly sandwich molten marshmallow and chocolate between crackers

Amber Heard punched Johnny Depp multiple times, threw things at him, cut his finger off, framed him for multiple felonies, smeared his name in the press, ruined his career, physically and verbally attacked him, abused him, pushed him back into depression, intentionally publicly humiliated him, and literally made fun of him because he wouldn’t hit her back after she attacked him.

And meanwhile y’all are like “well they’re both in the wrong” because he sent an angry text to a friend while he was battling depression and dealing with systemic physical, mental, and emotional abuse?! Depp, in the throws of one of the worst things a human can physically go through, with the woman he loved literally kicking him while he was down, wielding a knife on him, had the audacity to get upset and that, to you, means he was also in the wrong? Because he had the audacity to not love being abused?

Kindly stfu. Every time you say that you’re implying he deserved this.

If the roles were reversed y’all wouldn’t be saying shit about “well they’re both in the wrong” this is just your latest way to demean the suffering of male victims. How many times have you texted your girl friends jokes about killing your exes or hating all men or committing insert crime here against insert man who wronged you. Because the answer isn’t zero, and you said that despite the fact that guy probably never pulled a knife on you.

Amber Heard is an abuser. Johnny Depp is a victim who had a normal, human reaction to that abuse which was to unloaded his emotions to a friend. That is the end of the story.

Wolf reintroduction in Yellowstone has changed the ecosystem *significantly*.

One remarkable thing that was not predicted that demonstrates how interlinked these things are:

Wolf eat elk.

Elk eat fewer willows.

Willows become healthier.

Number of beavers increase.

Number of songbirds increase.

Overall health of streams increases.

Number of fish increases.

Water table stabilizes.

This is called a “trophic cascade” and we normally see them as bad things. But a positive trophic cascade is an amazing thing, and apparently nobody predicted this one.

What they didn’t predict was that wolf predation would keep elk on the move so they wouldn’t overgraze a specific area.

When the elk overgrazed the willows, they removed the best source of food for beavers during the winter.

Like, me and my sister went to a museum, and they had an extra exhibit of butterflies. But it cost £3. So we sighed, walked past, then stopped. We each had £3. We could see the butterflies. And we did it was great. We followed it up with an ice-cream as well because Mum and Dad weren’t there to say no.

I was driving back from a work trip with 2 other people in their early 20s, and we drove past a MacDonalds. One of the others went “Aww man, I’d love a McFlurry.” And the guy driving pulled in to the drive through. It was wild. But it was great.

I went to a park over the weekend and I was thinking “Man, I’d love to hire one of those bikes and cycle round the park.” It took me a few minutes to go “Wait, I can hire one of those bikes!”