Magnetic

This post has been sitting here as a draft for several weeks now. I’ve been brewing over whether or not to post it: I am not an expert on d/s by any stretch of the imagination, and extrapolating from my limited experience to suggest that I know something about other people and their internal workings is a risky road. 

But I’m having a rough day, a messy-head kind of day. I told DD straight off - just a simple text: “I’m not myself today.” That’s kind of code for “I’m going to disappear a bit.” But I still need to feel him close, part of things, and writing does that, too. Maybe reading this will do that for him today, if he goes online, as I keep myself to myself, cocooning and quiet. So even though I didn’t write this today it seems like a good day to hit “post.” 

It goes without saying, we’re all pretty different. People are too varied in all their weird, wonderful ways to ever be reduced to a buzzfeed top 10 list, or a one-size-fits-all label and description. But I’ve read a lot of amazing, insightful things on tumblr from a lot of amazing, insightful subs. Seriously, some of the most vulnerable, brave writing I have ever seen anywhere full stop is submissives writing on this site. And I’ve had some of the most gracious and kind conversations from women who have read some of my posts and sent me private messages, and had conversations that are at once anonymous behind our avatars and still deeply supportive, gentle and smart. 

What I’ve learned is this: there’s a lot of us who seem to operate in pretty similar ways. Even when we don’t realize it. Even when we think we’re just a one-off weirdo, there always seems to be another one-off weirdo talking about the same emotion, act, coping mechanism or thought process. 

This letter is not intended to reflect what every single sub might want to tell every single dom. But I suspect that quite a few of these, if not all, apply to a lot of us. And maybe it’s helpful - for either side of the equation - to write about them. 

Dear Doms, Sirs, Daddy Doms, and other dommy types: 

There’s something you should know. Actually, there’s a lot of somethings. This is hard for us to write, because if we subby types had our way there’d be a simple User Manual we could just hand over - a list of instructions, some FAQs, and several pages of troubleshooting. Boom. You’d know everything about how we work. Simple. Easy. No scary, revealing conversations required. 

No such thing exists, but … well, we wrote THIS instead, and it’s kind of a little bit of what you might find in our User Manual, if there was one. Like we said, just some things you should know. 

Maybe you’d like to read it? No rush of course, only if you want to. We don’t want you to think we’re insisting - oh, which kinda brings us to the first one … 

1) Asking for things from you is hard. 

Remember that time when you were doing really good stuff to our girl parts and we said “please” and you said “please what” and we said “please…” and you said “tell me” and we went back and forth like that for a minute? It wasn’t a show, a game to enjoy your dominance over us (though of course, we did enjoy that part too, and we love when you make us answer you.) But we truly struggled to get the words out - just as we do when we ask for a bottle of water, or a spanking, or a clarification on how you feel about something, or any other thing big or small. 

Why? Because asking you for things - anything at all - is really hard. Asking you for things feels like trying to take over, or it feels demanding, or it feels like a suggestion that what you are already doing to us and for us is not already amazing-ten-ways-to-Sunday. 

2) We think a lot about your time. 

Sometimes we think about your time more than we think about your sexual needs, your emotional needs, or anything else. Because your time is the well from which you water us. We know that we are, ahem, “high needs.” We know that we often require the same conversations over and over. We know that we need a lot of affirmation (and re-affirmation, and confirmation, and re-confirmation, of things we have already covered.) We know that this kind of interaction requires a lot more engagement than might be required of you by someone else. We know that even the things we enjoy in bed (or over a table, or over your lap) take more time than what any of us have ever gotten in most vanilla sexual situations - a spanking alone might take more time than an entire sexual encounter for someone else, and it’s only the warm up. We know the world is busy - we know your world is busy - and we try to be careful with your time. On the flip side of the coin, we think nothing of spending extra time on things that might please you - doing our hair a certain way, carrying out a requested task, and so on - but we can’t relate that giving your time to us feels as rewarding as when we do it for you. 

3) We don’t tell you everything we want to. 

If we sent you a text every time it occurred to us, you’d come back to a screen at the end of a couple hours with about 400 messages on it: I miss you. What do you think of these shoes? God I can’t stop thinking about that thing you did that day, remember that day when we went to that restaurant and I was wearing the red skirt? I miss you. I wish you could spank me right now. I think you’d be really proud of this thing I just did. Want to hear about it? Need you. Want you. Did I mention that I need you? Oh I read the best book, you’ll love it. I miss you. What are you thinking about? Are you thinking about me? Of course you’re thinking about me, I’m awesome. Hahah. Just kidding. Um you know I was joking about that awesome thing, right? Sigh. Oh it’s sunny out! Um, I’d like you to tell me how to dress today/what to do at the gym/what to eat. Did you know it’s only eight sleeps till I see you? I got a new bra, want to see it? I know it’s random but I’m really grateful for you. I’m grumpy. Need you. Did I say that already?

Not only do we not send all those things because we’re thinking about your time (see #2) but because we worry that something we say will sound crazy or silly or frivolous, or worse, demanding (see #1). 

4) We need to hear it a lot. All of it. Yes, even that thing you told us just yesterday. 

It’s not that we have a memory problem. If anything, we remember too much, every small detail. We keep memories like a dragon keeps gold: a treasure horde that we keep with us all the time. 

So, no, it’s not that we forgot when you snuggled in close and said that sweet lovely thing. It’s not that we forgot how aroused you were when you saw us all tied up and waiting for you. It’s not that we forgot that you rearranged your schedule for us. It’s not that we forgot when you explained for the billionth time that we’re really definitely important to you. 

We didn’t forget at all. But we still need to hear it again. We need to hear ALL THE THINGS, ALL THE TIME. We need to hear that we’re vital to you, and in what ways, and why. We need to hear that you miss us. That you think we’re cute or sexy or funny or smart or interesting. We need to hear that you worry about things too, that you think of us at random times. We need to hear why we make you laugh, when we make you smile, and how you like that odd little freckle that we fret about.  

Most of all, we need to hear that we make you proud, that we did good, that we pleased you. We need to hear that life with us in it is better and brighter and easier, and without us … well, that even pondering such a thing is unpleasant. 

Yes, we know you just told us yesterday. And the day before. And maybe the day before that. We still need to hear it again. But we won’t TELL you that, because … well, see #1. 

5) We love what we do together, but sometimes it still makes us feel weird for a little while

We all know that we’re doing things we’re not supposed to. We are very good girls, who understand all too well the cultural norms that we live in, and the consequences for breaking those norms. If I told my friends that I let you slap my face, or that you put me over your lap and spank me like a naughty child, or that you call me your fucktoy while doing terrible things to me all tied up in your bed and holy shit I love it so much … well, you can imagine what they’d say. The world is very loud about what is right and wrong, good and bad. 

We know that the things we do with you are consensual and considered, informed and engaged. We know that we’ve talked about it. We know that we both want it, enjoy it, need it, thrive on it, mutually, and that we are better for having each other. We know that we get off (and get off hard) to some of the things we do behind closed doors. We know that we don’t want to stop. 

But sometimes … not always, but once in a while … we feel weird. Which can lead to #6… 

6) We’re super fucking competent. Annnnnddd we still want your help. 

For a group of people who willingly let themselves be helpless and vulnerable and lacking entirely in control, we are actually an incredibly competent group of women. We are good at what we do - not just THIS part of us, but all parts. And you know what we’re the best at? Taking care of ourselves. Most of us figured out how to the hard way - because of how we grew up, or someone who broke our hearts, or simple necessity. And we are so fucking good at it. 

When we are having a bad day, when our heads are not on quite right, when we are “off kilter,” when we’re feeling weird (maybe because of #5), we will probably want to just do our own thing and manage it. We won’t want to ask for your help (see #2) or take up your time (see #1). Even though you’ve told us all the good stuff (see #4) we might be second-guessing ourselves. We will just close up shop for a couple hours or the whole day, and we will manage our shit without any help. 

But we will still want your help, too. 

When we say “I’m ok” we really mean it. When our coping mechanism involves being quiet, we usually really do need to just be quiet. But we need to know you’re there, too. Poke at us. Be present. You don’t need to fix it but we want to know you’re willing, if we want you to. 

7) We are grateful for you. So, so, so fucking grateful. 

We don’t mean just in the lovey-dovey “so glad you’re part of my life” way. We mean grateful that your quirk is the mirror image of our quirk. We’re grateful for the ways you offer structure and mentoring and leadership and support. We’re grateful that you want to be in charge - because honestly being in charge sounds like so much work it’s hard to remember that you even want to be. We’re grateful that you want to do the heavy lifting (sometimes literally) of being the dominant to our submissive, the wolf to our rabbit, the master to our slave.

And, yeah, sometimes we feel weird about the stuff we do (see #5) but we also know that sometimes you might feel weird, too. You do things to us that we want you to do, but that might in any other context be deemed abhorrent or abusive. We know that when you see the way we respond after our time together, if we cry or shut down or need to cuddle for a half hour while shaking, you might wonder if you went too far, did too much - which brings us to the next point… 

8) Our drop is not your fault. 

You didn’t go too far. (***see below) You didn’t push too much. You didn’t cross the line. Sometimes we drop just a little bit, sometimes we drop hard - harder than we expect to. And sometimes we need to recalibrate, come back to normal, and it takes time or tears or strangeness to get there. But we never once think it’s your fault. We never once think the drop is not worth everything else. When we cry, you haven’t made us sad - the intensity of our time together has brought all the things that might make us cry, right to the surface. When we turtle, you haven’t scared us - the enormity of release just requires some time to stabilize. You’re not bad, or wicked, or uncaring. And we know that, without ever needing to talk about it. (***Assuming a consensual, safe act that everyone was on board with.) 

9) We don’t care about your super-domly bod. 

We’re not here for horse-sized cocks and pro wrestler muscles. We’re here for you. And yeah we might get off on the visual parts of you we like best (sometimes things you don’t even think are particularly appealing about yourself) but the stuff that does it for us is in your head and your heart. And we know the same is true in reverse. But we forget, a lot. So yeah, remind us, that our imperfection is as desirable to you, as yours is to us. We know already but, well, see #4. 

10) We are kinda magic, even though we don’t realize it.

We’re a bit weird. Quirky. Strange. We see the world a little differently. 

But we see you a little differently than others, too. You’re the Sir, the Daddy, the Master. You might think that you’re the protector because you’re the boss - but we’re protectors, too, in our own ways: we see you, we accept you, and we understand you better than you realize. We know that you need us to kneel so that you can stand. We know that you need us to give so that you can take. We know all that and then we do what you need and then we ask: what more can we do? Call it whatever you want but this is a kind of magic - to be seen, to be known, to be given what you need. 

****

Well, we did go on a bit longer than we meant to. Anyway, that’s about all we wanted to say. Obviously by this time next week, we’ll have pondered a whole new pile of things and what they mean and how we feel about it - because that’s our thing. But for now, this will do. 

Oh wait: one last thing, a final PS, the last thing you should know … 

#11) We are always always always trying to be the bestest. 

The root motivation for every single thing on this list is to the best, for you: your best girl, best partner, best sub, best friend, best lover. 

Because that’s just how we roll. 

Love always,  

Many who first come to view and explore the community of BDSM on Tumblr, enter with the incorrect assumption that they are entering a world with very informal relationships, as well as making certain assumptions about D/s types. What follows is a list of common misconceptions, and the truth behind them.

1. Submissive girls are up for grabs.

Submissive girls are either in a relationship, or they are not. If they are, they belong to no one but their own Dominant. No others have rights over them. If they are single, Submissives may choose to pursue relationships with their choice of Dominants. During this time, they belong to no one but themselves. No others have rights over them.

2. An existing relationship is no impediment for pursuing a submissive girl.

Most in the D/s community are monogamous. While some couples choose to find playmates, and some individuals are polyamorous, the law of the land is, if you see someone is already in a relationship, look for your next one elsewhere.

3. Submissive girls like to be called terms such as “princess”, “kitten”, “pet”, and “slave”.

These are terms of affection that are earned by a Dominant. Submissives do not want to be called these names by anyone they have not submitted to.

4. Submissive girls like to be referred to as “whore”, “slut”, and “cunt”.

Wrong again. Submissive girls who are into degradation like to be called these names by partners they choose, or by their Dominant. When a stranger uses one of these titles, it just feels like disrespect.

5. I can treat submissive girls any way I wish.

Just because they like to give up control, does not make them unworthy of your respect. In fact, they are due respect in spades for enabling Dominants the ability to explore their half of the power dynamic.

6. Dominant men expect others to hit on their submissive.

While some might enjoy being shown they have something that others want, the vast majority of Dominants prefer that their relationship be respected, and you keep your desires to yourself. Not sure is a submissive girl has a Dominant? Try asking.

7. There is nothing wrong with asking any submissive I meet to be my submissive.

D/s relationships require a high level of trust, which takes time to earn. Asking someone you just met to be your Submissive, is like asking that girl who you talked to a few times, that sits behind you in math class, to be your wife.

8. There is nothing wrong with asking any Dominant I meet to be my Dominant.

Again, it is entirely inappropriate to ask someone you just met to be your Dominant. Why would you give a near stranger such a high level of control over your day to day life?

9. Submissives are all alike.

Every submissive wants to do BDSM the way it works best for them. While many hold common traits, each is unique.

10. Dominants are all alike.

This is also incorrect. Not only do they each have their own appetites, but they adapt from relationship to relationship to provide the care and fill the needs of their current submissive.

I decided to create a masterpost that would help you with what you are struggling with. Hopefully any of the links below will help you! Reminder; You’re going to be okay. What you are going through will pass, just remember to breathe. 

————————————————————————————-

Distractions;

Here are some distractions to help keep your mind occupied so you aren’t too focused on your thoughts. 

-Draw something

-This website translates the time into colours.

-Create your own galaxy.

-Play flowing.

-Make a 3D line travel where ever you like. 

-Listen to music.

-Calm.

-Ocean mood, do nothing for two minutes.

Sleep issues; 

- 8 hour sleep music.

-Rainy mood. 

-Meditation.

-Coping with nightmares.

-How to cope with nightmares, 11 steps.

-Calm

-Foods that can affect your sleeping, both positive and negatively. 

  Uncomfortable with silence; 

-Rainy mood.

-10 hours of rain and thunder.

-3 hours of rain and thunder.

-Human heartbeat.

-Rainforest.

-Sound of rain on a tin roof.

-Autumn wind.

-Rain on a tent

-Traffic in the rain.

-Soft traffic. 

-Fan.

-Train.

-Simply noise.

-My noise.

-Rainy cafe.

Anxiety; 

-How to stop worrying. 

-Tips to manage anxiety and stress.

-The 10 best ever anxiety management techniques. 

-Self-help strategies for anxiety. 

-Helping a friend with anxiety. 

-All about worrying.

-8 myths about anxiety. 

Sad, angry and depressed/depression; 

-“I’m always sad”

-Feeling sad.

-Going through trauma.

-“I’m always angry”.

-Anger management. 

-All about anger.

-National helplines and websites.

-Self-help strategies for depression.

-Dealing with depression at work.

-Dealing with depression at school.

Isolation and loneliness; 

-Pets and mental health.

-All about loneliness. 

-“I feel so alone”

-10 more ideas to help with loneliness. 

-How to deal with loneliness.

  Self-harm;

-Alternatives to self-harm and distraction techniques.

-146 things to do besides self-harm.

-More alternatives to self-harm.

-Self-harm alternatives.

-How to take care of self-harm wounds/injuries.

-Getting rid of scars.  

Addiction; 

-How to help a friend with a drug addiction.

-What is addiction?

-All about alcohol and addiction.

-The facts about drug addiction.

  Eating disorders; 

-Helping a friend with an eating disorder.

-Eating disorder treatments. 

-Support services for eating disorders. 

-Self-help tips with eating disorders.

-Eating disorder recovery. 

-Recovering from an eating disorder. 

-100+ reasons to recover. 

-Understanding and managing eating disorders. 

  Dealing with self-hatred;  

-3 ways to ease self-loathing. 

-How to turn self-hatred into self-compassion.

-Self-hatred resources.

-10 step plan to deal with self-hate. 

  Suicidal; 

-International suicide hotlines (1)  (2)

-Preventing suicide. 

-Reasons to stay alive.

-Dealing with suicidal thoughts and feelings.

-Coping with suicidal ideation.  

  Schizophrenia;

-All about schizophrenia.  

-Helping a person with schizophrenia.  

-Understanding and dealing with schizophrenia.  

-Delusions and hallucinations.  

OCD;

-Managing your OCD at home. 

-Overcoming OCD.

-How to cope with OCD. 

-Strategies for dealing with the anxious moments. 

Borderline personality disorder; 

-Helping someone with BPD. 

-All about personality disorders.

-Treatment for BPD.

Abuse; 

-Healthy relationships VS abusive relationships. 

-Emotional abuse

-Overcoming sexual abuse. 

-Hotlines services. 

-5 ways to escape an abusive relationship. 

-Domestic violence support. 

-Signs of an abusive relationship. 

-What do to if you’re in an abusive relationship. 

-Surviving abuse. 

-What you can do if you’re sexual harassed. 

-Sexual assault support.

-What to do if you’ve been sexually assaulted or abused. 

  Bullying;

-How to stand up against bullying.

-How to protect yourself when it comes to cyber bullying.

-How to help stop people bullying you. 

  Loss and grief; 

-How to cope with a suicide of a loved one.

-Grieving for a stranger. 

-Common reactions to death. 

-Working through grief.

(Other loss and grief)

-Moving away from friends and family. 

-Coping with a breakup.

  Getting help; 

-Seeking help early. 

-All about psychological treatments. 

-Types of help.

-All about age and confidentiality. 

Things you need to remember; 

- Don’t stress about being fixed because you’re not broken.

-Remember to remind yourself of your accomplishments. Tell yourself that you’re proud of yourself, even if you’re not. 

- This is temporary. You won’t always feel like this. 

-You are not alone. 

-You are enough. 

-You are important. 

-You are worth it. 

-You are strong. 

-You are not a failure, 

-Good people exist. 

-Reaching out shows strength. 

-Breathe. 

-Don’t listen to the thoughts that are not helping you. 

-Give yourself credit. 

-Don’t be ashamed of your emotions, for the good or bad ones. 

-Treat yourself the same way as you would treat a good friend. 

-Focus on the things you can change. 

-Let go of toxic people. 

-You don’t need to hide, you’re allowed to feel the way you do. 

-Try not to beat yourself up. 

-Something is always happening, you don’t want to miss out on what’s going to happen next. 

-You are not a bother.

-Your existence is more than your appearance. 

-You are smart. 

-You are loved. 

-You are wanted. 

-You are needed. 

-Better days are coming. 

-Just because your past is dark, doesn’t mean your future isn’t bright. 

-You have more potential than you think. 

- Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.

Walking the journey of a submissive can be one that is both difficult, and fraught with personal danger, but there are many ways to make that journey safer. Let’s talk about some of the ways in which YOU as a submissive, can minimize your risk, while pursuing your kink journey…

DON’T GO IT ALONE!!

In isolation, you have no one to turn to for help. One of the single most disturbing types of asks I have gotten over the years have been from submissive people who find themselves in an unhealthy relationship with a partner they are living with, but have nowhere to go, and no one to support their leaving. Once you cease trusting someone’s intentions toward you, you need to have a place to bail to, and people who will support a healthy decision to get out, and start over. Without a backup plan, an abusive relationship is able to evolve unchecked, with the abuser able to feel like they have the run on their destructive behavior without accountability. 

THERE IS SAFETY IN NUMBERS…

Once an abuser understands that you have support, and that their behavior may lead them to trouble with the law, obliterate their reputation within a community of kink, or in any way become answerable for their actions, it becomes more complicated for an abuser to run the table on your limits and consent. 

GET REFERENCES

It is in no way fucked up to ask a prospective Dominant who you can talk to about them, or just go on your own accord to ask people you know who are their acquaintances what kind of partner they perceive they would be for you. A good and safe candidate for a Dominant would understand this as a safety practice, and not become offended. Any Dominant who becomes incensed by you asking for, or going and digging for references, is likely someone with shitty things they’ve done that they want to keep hidden. If he doesn’t have submissives he’s cared for in the past that can talk highly of him, how likely is it that you will be the first that does?

LEARN

How can learning keep you safe? You’re reading this post, aren’t you? If you take to heart some of what is laid out herein, will you not be safer? The more you know about the rules and etiquette surrounding kink, the less likely you are to be taken in by those who aren’t interested in pesky “safewords”, or other obvious signs you’re not speaking to someone who should be considered for your submission.  

FIRST “IN REAL LIFE” MEETINGS

If you’re meeting a prospective dominant in real life for the first time, do it in a public place. A dominant who would be a good candidate for your submission will not try to steer you from meeting in a public place, or push you towards doing things that would take you away from that public place.

TELL SOMEONE WHAT YOU’RE DOING

When meeting a prospective Dominant for the first time, tell someone you know and trust what you’re doing, and arrange to check in with them several times during your date so they know it is going well, and you are safe. If a prospective Dominant has a problem with this safe practice, do not meet them, or exit the date promptly when that is made known.

SCREENING CANDIDATES

One of the most important skills a submissive can hone, is their ability to screen prospective Dominants. During this time you can ask a million questions about their views on life, philosophies in kink, experience, personal lives, or what kind of dynamic they would build with you, and their plan for carrying it out. This is a time to get to know and trust the person who you may ask to control multiple aspects of your life. You want to really KNOW this person. There is nothing more dangerous than an excited submissive who throws caution to the wind in this realm. Being a good screener, is part of being a good, and safe submissive.

SAFEWORDS

Never let a Dominant forbid you from keeping or using a safeword as a way of stopping anything that may prove beyond your limits within your dynamic. While some D/s couples choose to put them aside and respect a basic, “no”, or “stop” from their partners, the safeword is meant to be one of the few universally understood last vestiges of power a submissive holds within any power dynamic. Any dominant who limits or forbids you to keep one, and use one, is to be avoided. If you are being pushed past your limits without a way to make it stop, you are being abused. 

Be A Smart and Safe Submissive

One of the things that I get the most questions about is my demisexuality.  People are often interested about what it means and how it affects my life and my relationships.  There are a ton of shocked looks when I mention that I don’t really mind porn, but for the most part, it does very little for me.  People are incredulous when I tell them that I’m about as interested in hookups as I am in snorting powdered radishes.  There’s just literally nothing at all that I find appealing about the concept, and there have been numerous times in my life where I passed on the opportunity, either intentionally or accidentally, simply because that’s not something that I want.

Being a demisexual means, for me, that you have to actually talk to me.  Put forth an effort to tell me who you are, and more importantly, show me who you are.  Let me see inside your mind, let me get a glimpse of your soul, because these are the playgrounds that I want to visit.  Let me learn what makes you tick, what your likes and dislikes are, but be prepared to tell me about them.  Why do you like the things you like?  What about certain things is it that makes you feel alive?

Being a demisexual means, for me, that I’m way more interested in your favorite book and your favorite song than I am in what your breasts look like.  Tell me what you find interesting about that book you’re reading, or what emotions and memories are evoked by that song that you’ve played 20 times today.  I want to know if the scent of garlic takes you back to your favorite Italian restaurant, or if cinnamon reminds you of the apple pie your grandmother liked to bake in the fall.  If the only thing you feel you have to offer me are your genitalia and your complete lack of limits, I’m going to lose interest before I even open the picture.  Use your words to paint a picture and show me the million little things that make you feel alive.

If we enter into a relationship, show me my place in your life.  Show me that you love me through your actions.  Show me that you respect me and that you care about me and that what you are giving me is mine and mine alone.  Show me that you want me and that you are choosing me.  Show me you want my leadership and my guidance by following my instructions.  Show me you want me to want you by wanting to look good for me.  Ask me what I would prefer and then go with my suggestions, even if it’s not what you’re feeling at the moment, because you are doing it to please me.  

If I’m with you, I’m not just with you because of “what that mouth do”, because I’m not wondering what it can do to my genitalia, I’m wondering if you use it to sing or to recite poetry.  When I’m looking at you, I’m not wondering what it’ll take for me to get you naked, I’m wondering if you’ve ever read Plato’s Republic, or Dante’s Paradiso.  If I make a reference to The Odyssey or The Iliad, are you going to laugh at me and call me a dork, and then brush your hair back from those beautiful eyes of yours?  These are the things that I’m thinking about…

That’s not to say that I am asexual - far from it.  Everything that I learn about you has a purpose to me.  I want to know what ignites your passions and what stokes your fires because I want to help them burn brighter and hotter than ever.  I want to know what your soul looks like because sex is a sacred, spiritual thing to me.  If I’m going to share that with you, I want to know everything I can about you so that I can draw you into that world with me.  I want to shut everything else out and just listen to what you want, and the more I know how to speak your language, the better I am at deciphering those wants and needs.  So, show me.  Teach me.  Let me learn you.

1. Push you to do things before you are ready.

He should always want you to be comfortable about playing with him, sending him nudes, or anything else within your relationship. Your comfort first.

2. Ask you to call him Daddy.

This is a title that you give him when you are ready. When you feel a shining and intense trust and sense of safety, it may be time to offer Him your submission, and ask him to be your Daddy. Before that, he has not earned the title.

3. Call you pet names.

This also is on your timetable. Once again, you should wait till you feel safe and trusting of someone before they get to call you little girl, sweet pea, babydoll, or anything of the like.

I have recently been chatting with multiple submissive girls who are basically being ignored by their Caregiver. They did nothing wrong. They were not told they were going to be ignored. They just have been without any contact for no particular reason. 

When you ignore your submissive, whether it is intentional or not, you leave them wondering what they have done wrong. They sit there thinking that there must be something wrong with them that you can so put them from your mind, as they starve for your guidance, love, and support. There is no excuse for it. It’s the age of texting folks. It takes less than 30 seconds to type a phrase like, “Sorry, I don’t mean to ignore you. Just wanted to remind you that I care about you. I’m just terribly busy.” Takes the same 30 seconds to type, “I’m having a hard time with myself right now, and I just need some time to sort it out. I hope you understand.” Any communication of what is going on that requires your absence will mean so much to someone who depends on you so much, and who you have sworn to care for. Don’t ghost on your submissive. Let me say it again for those in the back… DON’T GHOST ON YOUR SUBMISSIVE. If you can’t spare them 30 seconds over a period of several days, you don’t deserve one. 

Today in a BDsM Kik group the topic of the day seemed simple enough.  What is submission?  What is dominance? I have spent most of the afternoon and early evening editing, adding and expanding on my original thoughts.

Submission is what we do, not who we are.

Submission is TRUST.

Submission is a gift.

Submission means following.

Submission is letting go.

Submission is strong.

Submission allows one to let go of all of their troubles and know the dominant will take the reins and guide them.  

Submission is service.

Submission is ever growing and blooming. In our submission we should never be stagnant. We should keep learning, growing and blooming.

Submission means releasing. Releasing our fears. Releasing our insecurities.

Submission means communication. Open, transparent honest communication.

Submission is loving, grateful and thankful.

Submission is focus, and mindfulness.

Submission means something different to each and everyone of us. But one thing we all agree on is that submission is beautiful.

Dominance is confident.

Dominance leads.

Dominance is quiet. Like a whisper or the touch of the hand on the lower back.

Dominance is guiding, teaching.

Dominance is kind.

Dominance is understanding.

Dominance is consistent.

Dominance is communication. Open, honest, transparent communication.  Dominance means putting someone else first.

Dominance means care giving.

Dominance means taking on someone else’s burdens.

Dominance means being there, being available. Dominance means acceptance. Dominance means loving, grateful and thankful

Dominance is humble.

Dominance is grateful and thankful.

Part 2: Dominance and submission mean many things to everyone. But what are they not?

Submission is not weak.

Submission is not a doormat.

Submission cannot be forced.

Submission cannot be TAKEN.

Submission is not blind or deaf.

Submission is not easy.

Submission is not a game. Submission is not given easily.

Submission is not about sex. 

Dominance is not controlling.

Dominance is not abusive.

Dominance is not domineering.

Dominance is not loud, cruel, unyielding.

Dominance is not loud.

Dominance is not a game.

Dominance is not narcissistic.

Dominance is not easy.

Dominance is not about sex.

Today in a BDsM Kik group the topic of the day seemed simple enough.  What is submission?  What is dominance? I have spent most of the afternoon and early evening editing, adding and expanding on my original thoughts.

Submission is what we do, not who we are.

Submission is TRUST.

Submission is a gift.

Submission means following.

Submission is letting go.

Submission is strong.

Submission allows one to let go of all of their troubles and know the dominant will take the reins and guide them.  

Submission is service.

Submission is ever growing and blooming. In our submission we should never be stagnant. We should keep learning, growing and blooming.

Submission means releasing. Releasing our fears. Releasing our insecurities.

Submission means communication. Open, transparent honest communication.

Submission is loving, grateful and thankful.

Submission is focus, and mindfulness.

Submission means something different to each and everyone of us. But one thing we all agree on is that submission is beautiful.

Dominance is confident.

Dominance leads.

Dominance is quiet. Like a whisper or the touch of the hand on the lower back.

Dominance is guiding, teaching.

Dominance is kind.

Dominance is understanding.

Dominance is consistent.

Dominance is communication. Open, honest, transparent communication.  Dominance means putting someone else first.

Dominance means care giving.

Dominance means taking on someone else’s burdens.

Dominance means being there, being available. Dominance means acceptance. Dominance means loving, grateful and thankful

Dominance is humble.

Dominance is grateful and thankful.

Part 2: Dominance and submission mean many things to everyone. But what are they not?

Submission is not weak.

Submission is not a doormat.

Submission cannot be forced.

Submission cannot be TAKEN.

Submission is not blind or deaf.

Submission is not easy.

Submission is not a game. Submission is not given easily.

Submission is not about sex. 

Dominance is not controlling.

Dominance is not abusive.

Dominance is not domineering.

Dominance is not loud, cruel, unyielding.

Dominance is not loud.

Dominance is not a game.

Dominance is not narcissistic.

Dominance is not easy.

Dominance is not about sex.

Cinnamon Rosemary Old Fashioned!

Cinnamon Rosemary Simple Syrup:

½ cup honey

½ cup water

6 sprigs rosemary

3 cinnamon sticks

For the cocktail:

4 teaspoons cinnamon rosemary simple syrup

3 dashes angostura bitters

2 ounces bourbon

1 orange peel

rosemary sprig for garnish, optional

INSTRUCTIONS

Start with making the simple syrup. In a small saucepan, combine honey, water, rosemary sprigs, and cinnamon sticks over medium heat. Bring to a simmer, stirring frequently until honey has dissolved into water. Remove from heat and allow to cool completely. Once cool, remove rosemary and cinnamon sticks and transfer to an airtight container.

AKA: NEVER CALL A SUBMISSIVE NEEDY AGAIN!!

There are days that I feel like we are slowly brainwashing all the submissives in the community to believe that they should feel guilty for the amount of attention they want from their Dominant. While nobody is swinging watches back and forth in front of their faces or giving them treats when they express that they feel badly for the attention they crave, it is getting done nonetheless with the word “needy”. 

need·yˈ

nēdē/

adjective

lacking the necessities of life; very poor.

Needy is not a nice word. Needy is a derogatory word. Needy should not be what someone WHO CHOOSES to give their power and choices to someone else, should be labeled. 

Vanilla couples don’t have the problem with this word that we do. In their partnerships, the individuals are expected to bear the weight of the work, responsibility, and decisions within the relationship with some semblance of equality in mind. If one partner gets lazy, and falters, they may be perceived to be not pulling their weight, which may eventually lead to problems, and ultimately, the end of a relationship. 

We don’t do things this way in the kinky world. Before their first dynamics, submissives often spends many months and years yearning to give up their power and decisions to a Dominant, and be made to feel cared for, and safe. When they finally find that first dynamic, they dive deep into their role, exploring it by probing their partner’s reactions, requesting structure and guidance, and demanding copious opportunities to serve, and fulfill their prime directives. They have been told communication is the key to a happy and productive dynamic, and they embrace that communication and attention with their Dominant with eager and open arms. 

That’s when it happens: someone calls them needy for the first time, making them feel bad for the way they have been wired, and for being enthusiastic about their partner and dynamic. It is at this point the idea of “lacking the necessities of life” and being thought of as “very poor” by their Dominant, starts to go to war against the natural order of a D/s dynamic, and begins to eat away at them. It makes them anxious about demanding attention from their Dominant. It makes them feel guilty for making requests of them. Being labeled as “needy”, throws them all out of balance, because needing someone strong, who helps them make all kinds of decisions that they have longed to be rid of, and gives them opportunity to serve, is what they have always wanted, and who they are supposed to be, and now they are being told that it’s too much. 

Why do we do this to our submissives? As Dominants, we want to be the boss, to have love and devotion within our relationships, and to feel needed, but when we get what we want, and it feels like too much, we shift the blame over to the submissive and call them needy. The truth is, when one member of a couple has given all their power and their decisions to the other member of the couple, THEY ARE GOING TO HAVE A LOT OF NEEDS FROM THEM. If you call yourself Dominant, or are aspiring to be one, you should be fully prepared to be intensely needed by your submissive, because they have voluntarily given you all of their power, and it is now YOUR ROLE to make a myriad of even the most basic decisions from them, from what they will eat for breakfast, to what they will wear to work. They will want tasks and rules and punishments, and it is now YOUR ROLE to give those to them. If you feel this is too much, it is not their problem that they are “needy”, it is yours for not understanding what you were getting yourself into. If you are not up for being needed by someone more than you have ever experienced before in your life, it’s time to make peace with your aspirations of being a Caregiver, Master, or Owner, and retreat back to vanilla world from whence you came. A full blown D/s relationship with fun bedroom playtime and having everything your way, comes at a price, and that price is giant piles your focus, and guidance. 

Is it fair to say your submissive has a lot of needs, or demands a lot of your attention? Sure! It’s a little like saying an elephant has a lot of weight, or an anaconda a lot of length. That’s the way those things are, and to dwell on it, or become resentful for things being what they are, is pointless and insane. If you are looking for an animal who is short, or light, look elsewhere. 

How can we stop this? We can start by correcting Dominants and our already brainwashed submissive community by lashing out at the word “needy” when we see it and hear it. We should lash out at the word because it expresses the natural inclinations of submissives in a profoundly negative way, and chips away at their natural evolution on their way to becoming happy and fulfilled in their dynamics. 

Submissives are never “needy”. They may need a lot, but that’s what you ordered from the menu, good Sir. If they don’t feel the need to call you bossy when you tell them what to do, you should surely be able to resist calling them needy for offering you their dependence. 

Some of you know me.  Others not so much. I’m older. I’m opinionated. And I’m a submissive. Yes, children, those things can indeed exist together.

Believe it or not, I often have less experienced subs contact me privately and ask questions about their lifestyle choices. I suppose they ask me because I never seem to hold anything back on my posts and my posts are not necessarily the typical D/s images and messages.  In any case, they message and ask me questions.  I should probably add that I’ve had more than one person ask me to explain how my dom puts up with me and my (some would consider) abrasive personality.  Me? Abrasive? Who knew? lol

What annoys me more than anything is that a lot of these women (and sometimes men) seem to believe that something might be wrong with them or their ideas concerning the dom/sub dynamic. They feel like that because it doesn’t mirror the picture of a naked and kneeling woman happily accepting the boot of a strong, physically overbearing man placed firmly on the back of said woman’s head.

Folks, if your idea of being submissive means that a dominant person makes all the decisions regarding your life and you are mentally and physically grateful for the attention, then I say kudos to you.  Just as I strongly agree that a submissive can “argue” often with their dominant until decisions regarding her life are mutually agreed upon. You are both right. And so are all the others who range between you in the definition of submission and domination.  

In the end, there is no limit to the types of subs, and consequently types of doms, there are in this world. None of them is best or worst.  The idea is to find a mate that matches your needs, wants, expectations, and ideology about the dynamic each of you will be a part of.  

The only thing that I would add as a hard limit for me would be that NO ONE has the right to abuse another – physically or mentally.  And one more… NO MINORS. PERIOD.

So go out and look around. Look around a lot. Tell people what you are about instead of allowing them to assume you are the person they’ve always been looking for based on their own ideas of D/s.

Communicate. Honestly. Openly. And Often.  Be yourself. Have fun.  Without all of this, then D/s won’t be the answer you seek in relationships. Without this, vanilla won’t work either.  Don’t believe me because I’m just a woman?  Ask @instructor144. He’ll back me up.  Then he’ll kick your ass for not listening to a woman in the first place. *winks*

Live Long and Prosper

*However, I am a person who learns best being able to chart and list the basics, the shapes of the cookie cutters. Therefore, it helped me to read 10+ Kindle books, the “Library for Kinksters” by @dominantlife , certain websites, and certain Tumblr blogs so that I got to know the cookie cutter categories of Dominants and submissives, as well as the different D/s relationship dynamics. This was what I would call my academic foundation. After learning this information and the terminology and definitions, I learned to not hold fast to the labels of these categorizations because it’s extremely rare to find a Dom, a sub, or a D/s relationship that fits only into one category. M4SS really emphasized that. Yet having learned the basic structure of D/s and BDSM, it personally assisted me in my comprehension of it all. So therefore, don’t let anyone tell you not to learn the basics, the different shapes of the cookies. Yet realize each shape can be one of many differing flavors!

Learning the history of BDSM that started as a leather culture which @instructor144 can attest to since he was part of it, so I’ve read on his blog😉, was also enlightening for me.

Doing your research is important. Mine started with the Biblical verse that wives shall submit to their husbands, led me to a Christian Domestic Discipline internet website, which led me to a specific Dom’s website in the Leather community and then a specific Madem’s website. Then another source led me to Tumblr and I, through a lot of searching, found the D/s community here. I reached out quickly and was warned about fake doms and other things to look for. Yada, yada, yada.

Back to the specific subject at hand: while there are academic categories, every single D/s relationship is defined by the participating people in each relationship, ergo each is unique. Thanks Ginger gal for bringing this up! I add that learning the cookie cutter shapes help when learning, but one must remember that while baking, individual cookies can touch when cooking much more there are so many different flavors in each shape. (Keeping with the metaphor.)

Lastly, if there is one thing about being naïve in this Tumblr community, it’s that most men abhor being labeled. Therefore, newbies, be careful how you word things. Yet at the same time, let what he chooses to say and how he phrases it be a guide to discovering him and his authenticity.

💋TxGal

Tonight’s Parting Thought ….

You are stronger than you think. Love right where you are. If you’re alone, learn to love yourself. If you’re not alone, then love him or her or them with everything you have tonight. Because there’s no such thing as a fairy tale. Happily ever after is deciding to love each other fully, every damned day.

If you’re struggling tonight or looking for a sign – this is it!