This Slow Submission

A few older posts seem to have started circulating quite a bit lately (this one in particular: https://slowsubmission.tumblr.com/post/181963969982/something-you-should-know) 

It's prompted a lot of comments and re-blogs, and more private messages than I’ve ever received over a single post - a couple hundred DMs. I wish I could answer them all, and I managed a few a little while ago, but the time to respond to them all would be a challenge. 

So a summary of what I would say: 

1. If you wrote to say thank you for that particular post: you’re welcome. I’m glad it resonated or was useful to you in some manner. 

2. If you wrote to ask me a question, either through anon or by DM, I may start doing questions again, but I’m not sure. So I’m not ignoring your question, just leaving them all in the inbox for now. 

3. If you wrote to see if I would be interested in chatting as a friend: I am not on here often enough to make a good online friend. 

4. If you wrote to see if I would be interested in chatting as something MORE than a friend: no thank you. (Though I appreciate that most of this type of message lately have been very polite, I am not looking. I promise there are lots of “me” out there, you’ll find them.)

5. If you wrote to ask if I could or will do more writing here: maybe, but maybe not. 

Hi Anon (and hi to all the other anons and PMs that have asked the same over the last few months). 

I appreciate the worry and good wishes - please don’t be fussed about me. What can I say - life always unfolds in ways we don’t expect it to.

I am good, safe, happy ... and a little bit different, too. The version of me that wrote here is not quite the version of me that exists today, and it is hard to imagine that I might return to posting here because of that. 

Some of my old posts seem to get sudden spikes of activity and start re-circulating again every week or two. I am glad people are still enjoying the posts. 

A little side note to the crazy number of PMs from men asking if my absence or the “hiatus” in my bio means I’m now available and looking, and offering to be my “new” dom or daddy: No, I am not looking, thank you. I don’t want to meet you. I don’t care where you live or how much money you have or how big your tool is. I’m good, thank you. (I know some of you are really well intentioned, and you ask this in a very polite way, and you sound very lovely and all, but still ... no thank you.)

I don't have a good answer really ... online (some of the dating sites, or even here possibly?) but that's tricky and potentially dangerous and hard to find someone close by unless you're on something like tinder I imagine. I get lots of messages on here from men looking for a submissive online. Most of them are crude and I block them. Some are polite and I just say I'm not looking. But any of them, polite or otherwise, could be nutjobs. Maybe that feels scarier for women than men (so if you do approach someone here, just don't go in guns blazing because they'll probably bolt.)

I have seen people talk about fetlife. I don't know anything about it but that may be a good place - at least you know everyone is interested in some variety of what you're interested in.

But maybe it's a matter of finding someone you click with in general in real life and THEN slowly explore both your interests. Lots of people don't know exactly what excites them until they're exposed to it.

Figure out what kind and how much contact and communication you both need to feel connected. Chances are really good one of you needs less because people are never identical twin matches. I think the amount should be as close as possible to the person who needs more, as long as it doesn’t sap the person who needs less. 

In my case, I’m pretty sure I need a few levels higher/more frequent than what DD needs. Most of the time - barring other life complications, busy-ness etc - we have that level, partly because we have talked about these things a lot and he has a pretty good idea of how I operate and what works. 

When we don’t have that level of contact, I have to sometimes force my logical brain to look at why or I risk attributing wrong reasons ... I am quick to assume I am “out of sight, out of mind” even if I have been told otherwise many times. 

Those things are less of an issue when you see each other face to face all the time because you have touch, facial expressions, non-verbal cues etc. When you’re far away, all you have is verbal communication so what we say or express has to encompass all the usual stuff you’d get otherwise. 

So figure out what works - text, a lot or a little ... video chat (explicit or just chatting for fun) ... maybe emails or longer notes and letters ... phone calls. We do text, sometimes longer emails/notes, and phone calls once in a while. Never video though we’ve said in passing it would be fun, just never have yet. 

How far away are you? How realistic is it to plan things together, to see each other? 

For me, a huge piece is having things to look forward to, a countdown. Honestly, I can manage all sorts of long waits and distances if I have a thing on my calendar - or plans being sorted for down the road. For example, I feel more settled if I have a specific thing in a month, than a maybe thing in a week (though I’ll happily take both lol). To some degree the amount of time is secondary. It would be amazing to see other all the time but the next best is having dates to look forward to. 

Routines, tasks, expectations, check-ins ... everyone is different, and needs different things. For some people this stuff can help feel connecting, for others it is no doubt work. I guess you have to figure out what works for both of you. You might want or need tasks or check-ins but if your partner doesn’t care about them, it will make you feel less connected not more. 

Sharing - I find when I know basic “unimportant” things and when I share basic “unimportant” things I feel more connected and close. I like knowing when he’s going to get his haircut, or that he’s having olives for a snack after work or that he’s just come back from a hike and it’s really sunny. Similarly, if he asks what I did and I say I went to the library, or I’m doing laundry, or I’m just about to get in the bath, I feel connected. But because these are small silly things I often won’t offer them because I will think it’s not important. I think people underestimate the value of totally non sexual, non “thrilling” communication. Not every conversation can be or should be the script of a movie. The dull small parts of our lives are also important because they can make you feel part of things ... the haircut example: it makes me feel like I’m along for the ride, that maybe I just wandered away for a coffee while he got his haircut, and when he sends a photo after it’s like I’m there too. 

Yeah for sure. I think most people do. I mean I guess it depends on how specific one is getting - if the “kink” is “rope bondage” then I’ve done that... but under that are all sorts of specific ways to be tied, some of which I’ve had done to me and some of which I haven’t. 

I don’t think that’s abnormal, so please don’t feel weird about it. 

A change in routine and schedule makes me get a bit weird too. 

All right, ok, let’s be honest: it makes me get a lot weird.

We tend to have periods of routine where nothing is out of the ordinary, and then we have periods where our schedules change a lot - when one of us is travelling, or work schedules or other obligations become more demanding, for example.

Sometimes it’s expected, and you can plan for it. But not always - sometimes it sort of happens inadvertently, where someone doesn’t realize they’re busier, distracted, juggling too many things and something’s off. 

But even when it’s a known thing, and discussed and alternate ideas put into place for the duration of the “different period,” sometimes it takes me a while to settle back in afterwards, to feel normalized and like “us” again. 

I think one of the important things when something is different is that it’s a good chance to think about stuff, almost as an outside observer. Use it as an opportunity to think about what’s working, what’s not. It’s hard to do that sometimes, from inside, in the regular routine. 

For example, DD was recently away for a period of time. We were in touch but not the way we normally are. I found myself really observing my own reactions, intentionally thinking about how I was responding to that, what was working, what wasn’t - and had some interesting insights. 

It gave me a lot to think about. I’m still thinking about some of it now. 

The reality is that life is never static. Nothing stays the same. We are wildly different today than we were a year ago, and the same will be true in a year from now. 

I know that’s kind of not really answering what you said but I guess what I mean is: change is inevitable, you cannot control what happens or when or why, but you can decide how to deal with change. 

I thought I answered this one ages ago but I don’t see it now on the blog so I must not have! Sorry that it took so long. 

This is a really good question and I’ve wondered the same thing myself. Yes, there are questions that I don’t answer partly because to answer them involves things that I would prefer to discuss with him privately or that feel too personal. Or at times they are things that I’m hesitant to share how I feel on a topic knowing that he will read it. 

If he didn’t read it, I likely wouldn’t write it at all. So in a way it’s a moot point. But yes, to a degree, our audience always affects the shape of how we tell something. 

Sometimes. If I’m going to an event, I will pull out two or three outfits that I know suit that event and what I would like to wear in general and then I’ll send those to him in a photo and ask for his choice. Or if we are going out together somewhere, he often will have instructions - either general (wear a dress with pantyhose, for example) or specific (wear THAT skirt with THOSE shoes). 

xxxxxxxxx said: Would you go out for coffee with a follower?

Then immediately after: 

xxxxxxxx said: THAT WAS MEANT TO BE ANON. FUCK 

Then immediately after that: 

xxxxxxx said: I would love to have coffee with you. But I wasn’t hitting on you. 

Then immediately after that: 

xxxxxxx said: Or trying to fake hit on you by “accidentally” asking. Never mind. So yeah just thanks for the great posts you do. Its very hot stuff. 

Good question. 

He is my first, yes. 

Having said that, I can see shades of this in earlier relationships - places I was subconsciously looking for various aspects of what we have now. 

So for example, I had a relationship with someone a few years before I met DD who was also much much older than me. I had not “gone looking” for someone older, and in fact they crossed my path quite by chance, but was their age part of what led to attraction and ultimately being together for a period of time? In retrospect I would say yes. There were also things about this person that were naturally dominant I would say - ways that he liked to be part of or guide things. And I liked that a lot. That relationship ended for very specific reasons but had it continued, I would not be surprised at all if it had gone more in that direction. 

Even relationships from years ago, in my early 20s, there are things I can see now where I was looking for that but I really didn’t have a clue. 

Thank you :) 

I think a lot of women have really negative experiences with giving oral sex - bad partners, crappy feedback, aggressiveness that’s unexpected, etc. I sometimes think a lot of women who find it “gross” maybe feel that way because of something negative that’s happened - or things they learned as kids about “sin” and so on. (Same goes for men, too.) 

I will say that I feel differently about it with DD than with past experiences. I was always thumbs-up in general, and I like to imagine I was enthusiastic and a good partner, but something clicks differently with him - it’s hard to explain.