Hate hate hate long distance I don't know how to do this??! TIPS PLEASE
Figure out what kind and how much contact and communication you both need to feel connected. Chances are really good one of you needs less because people are never identical twin matches. I think the amount should be as close as possible to the person who needs more, as long as it doesnāt sap the person who needs less.Ā
In my case, Iām pretty sure I need a few levels higher/more frequent than what DD needs. Most of the time - barring other life complications, busy-ness etc - we have that level, partly because we have talked about these things a lot and he has a pretty good idea of how I operate and what works.Ā
When we donāt have that level of contact, I have to sometimes force my logical brain to look at why or I risk attributing wrong reasons ... I am quick to assume I amĀ āout of sight, out of mindā even if I have been told otherwise many times.Ā
Those things are less of an issue when you see each other face to face all the time because you have touch, facial expressions, non-verbal cues etc. When youāre far away, all you have is verbal communication so what we say or express has to encompass all the usual stuff youād get otherwise.Ā
So figure out what works - text, a lot or a little ... video chat (explicit or just chatting for fun) ... maybe emails or longer notes and letters ... phone calls. We do text, sometimes longer emails/notes, and phone calls once in a while. Never video though weāve said in passing it would be fun, just never have yet.Ā
How far away are you? How realistic is it to plan things together, to see each other?Ā
For me, a huge piece is having things to look forward to, a countdown. Honestly, I can manage all sorts of long waits and distances if I have a thing on my calendar - or plans being sorted for down the road. For example, I feel more settled if I have a specific thing in a month, than a maybe thing in a week (though Iāll happily take both lol).Ā To some degree the amount of time is secondary. It would be amazing to see other all the time but the next best is having dates to look forward to.Ā
Routines, tasks, expectations, check-ins ... everyone is different, and needs different things. For some people this stuff can help feel connecting, for others it is no doubt work. I guess you have to figure out what works for both of you. You might want or need tasks or check-ins but if your partner doesnāt care about them, it will make you feel less connected not more.Ā
Sharing - I find when I know basicĀ āunimportantā things and when I share basicĀ āunimportantā things I feel more connected and close. I like knowing when heās going to get his haircut, or that heās having olives for a snack after work or that heās just come back from a hike and itās really sunny. Similarly, if he asks what I did and I say I went to the library, or Iām doing laundry, or Iām just about to get in the bath, I feel connected. But because these are small silly things I often wonāt offer them because I will think itās not important. I think people underestimate the value of totally non sexual, nonĀ āthrillingā communication. Not every conversation can be or should be the script of a movie. The dull small parts of our lives are also important because they can make you feel part of things ... the haircut example: it makes me feel like Iām along for the ride, that maybe I just wandered away for a coffee while he got his haircut, and when he sends a photo after itās like Iām there too.Ā
Maybe some of those things feel helpful I hope?Ā