knight's tale;

Arianne Zurbano. This is my real name. You can befriend me in Facebook if you want to (just PM me that you're from Tumblr).

And even though I still am not sure why I left Tumblr, I am still happy with my decision. I am actually living, not just typing my thoughts away and reblogging stuff (tho I AM TOTALLY NOT DISCOURAGING ANYONE OF YOU TO STOP TUMBLR-ING OKAY).

And I don't think I will ever be back. Maybe I will go back to blogging, but not in Tumblr. Maybe Wordpress or Livejournal. I've already done my work here, in Tumblr. It's time for me to part ways with it.

Hi. I am neither a cat or a penguin or an owl. I am not any animal. I am actually a plant. A peashooter, to be exact.

No, I won't delete this blog. I will just not use it anymore.

I already told you who I am, but I still haven't told you my name.

Now, I don't know who I become and will be leaving. I guess it is only proper to say my name before it's too late.

                                          Well, find me.

Let's turn back the hands of time. The year is 2010. The year I first started Tumblr-ing.

All my life I wanted to know what it feels like to fly, run, or just go away. Away and away, without any restrictions. I wanted to know what it feels like to break free. It's a scary yet fascinating thought that consumed me for hours until it turned into sleepless nights. I can't bear the feeling any longer.

I had to do something.

And so I started Tumblr-ing at the summer of 2010, when I am twelve years old. I was still young and innocent (and still am now). Before I knew it, I felt satisfied. Not the ordinary kind of satisfaction, no. This is the kind of satisfaction that can only be felt when you are yourself. No rules, no restrictions. This is the kind of escape I'm looking for. I can write whatever I want. I can take a photo and post it here without caring what other bloggers will think of me, because seriously, we are all the same mental folks who tried this kind of diversion because we wanted to know what it feels like to belong, to fit in. (Uhm, I think I'm only speaking for myself. :3) They don't know me, so why should I care? I was happy. I saw pictures, essays, and other stuff that inspired me, and I, on the other hand, did my own thing.

Let's return to the present.

Still happy Tumblr-ing. I (virtually) met people that inspired me, and became friends with some of them. I am glad because I am myself here. But somehow, there's a stirring feeling inside the pit of my stomach that tells me I should stop. Wait, pit—stop what? Stop doing my indirect form of escape that may or may not be my favorite thing in the world? But why?

Well, I guess I knew.

I am changing, for the better or worse, I don't know. Something tells me that stopping is necessary for me to reach my unknown destination.

                               I am escaping my escape.

I don't want this, no. But my instinct tells me that this is the right thing to do. Soon I'll find out why I'm doing this. And, who knows, maybe I will be back without you all even noticing my return.

I still do the things I used to do when I was, well, thin. I still eat just the same. Same amount, same food. But why? Why? Why did I become fat?

My mind: I used to do so well in school but I'm not anymore.

My mind: The people I call friends, aren't my actual friends.

My mind: I'm constantly feeling alone.

My mind: I'm starting to look at myself different.

My mind: Nothing feels the same anymore.

My mind: I feel like I'm going to fail at anything I try to do.

My mind: I haven't been eating that much and I'm hungry all the time.

My mind: I feel like no one cares about me.

My mind: I just wanna sleep all day and never wake up.

                                                     That hurts.

                                         More than you ever knew