The Levine Machine @thelevinemachine - Tumblr Blog

We. Got. The. Answers.

I wrote DIS

•18+ Adults Only

Watch Anya Live on Cam

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.

✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions

Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming

I wrote some Oregon Militia fan fiction this morning. Hope you enjoy.

INT. OREGON FEDERAL BUILDING

Two Militia members, Axe and Dangerous Bill are sitting next to a fire place in the Oregon Federal building. A near-empty bottle of lagavulin 16 and is sitting on table next to two cups.

Axe- Fire is going out.

Dangerous Bill- Here, let me get it.

Dangerous Bill gets up, stumbles and falls back down, Axe catches him.

Dangerous Bill- Looks like I’m more screwed up than mandatory minimum sentences for intentional farming arson.

Axe- Nah, you’re not THAT screwed up.

The two laugh loudly and then lock eyes for a tense second. Nothing in the room moves, everything is still. The silence is broken after a few quick but intense moments when they quickly end their physical contact with each other, as if they’ve been jolted awake. Axe goes and fixes the fire.

Dangerous Bill- Are we not going to talk about it?

Axe concentrates on fixing the fire.

Dangerous Bill- You’re just going to ignore me, huh? You’re just going to pretend I don’t exist? Like I’m farmers’ rights and you’re the federal government?

Axe closes his eyes harder than he’s ever closed them before. He emotionally swallows back what he’s really feeling.

Dangerous Bill- FINE! Act like we didn’t share that moment. Act like we didn’t make passionate beard to beard love on top of a tractor trailer next to the smoked beef meat jerkery. YOU’RE AN EMOTIONAL TERRORIST.

Axe stands up, furious.

Axe- MILITIA! EMOTIONAL MILITIA! THERE’S A BIG DIFFERENCE!

Dangerous Bill gets into Axe’s face.

Dangerous Bill- Call me your lil’ Bundy.

Axe- No. Stop.

Dangerous Bill- (Whispers) Who’s your lil’ Bundy?

Axe- You are.

Dangerous Bill gently kisses Axe, then kisses harder. Axe resists at first but slowly gives in. They disrobe the 6 layers each they are wearing and make love on top of a picture of Ted Cruz. Their bodies stop being two separate entities and start being one giant mass of beard hair, cowboy hats, skin and sweat.

‪#‎BallQaeda‬

"Alright Greg, your time to shine. You are about to walk down the Soul Train line. Ok ok, you got this. Ha, that guy is doing the Egyptian, what a moron. Hey, Guy doing the Egyptian! Egypt called, they want their walk back! Nailed it. Ohhhhh Greggy. Greg-o. Greg Cacciatore. You are gonna SLAY this Soul Train line. You've made it to TV, they brought you here because you are a soul MACHINE. Ok, one more couple. Oh, nice, a series of kicks and a hip wag, Interesting choice for that guy... NOT. Ha, where'd he get that hip wag? The 'Johnny Unoriginals Wholesale Dumb Dance Shop'? nailed it. 2-for-2 in the burn zone. Ok, they're almost done. I bet the president will see this and make me not have to go to the war. Ok, 3 seconds. Call me Orange Soda because I'm about to Crush and 2 here she is, nice to meet you, Lady Fate. and...1 Dammit, GREG! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! STOP DOING THE ROBOT! GREG! WE REHEARSED COOLER MOVES! STOP! YOU'RE DOING THE EGYPTIAN NOW! COME ON! GREG! DO SOMETHING ELSE! NOT THE DAMN ROBOT AGAIN! YOU GOT THREE MORE STEPS GREG, YOU CAN SAVE THIS! YOU GOT THIS! NO! STOP DOING AN EGYPTIAN ROBOT!" - Greg

#soul train #greg

A made a Craigslist post trying to find love during the blizzard.

#Love #Russia #Obama #snowpacalypse #Blizzard #snow #jon snow #winter is coming #IN ITS PANTS

"If during the first act of a play there is a DVD box set of the Complete First Season of Roseanne on the stage then by the end of the play someone will have watched the complete first season of Roseanne"- Chekov's DVD Box Set of The Complete First Season of Roseanne

#roseanne

•18+ Adults Only

Watch Anya Live on Cam

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.

✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions

Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming

Footprints

"... but Jesus, I noticed that when I was going through difficulties in life I looked at the sand and there was only one set of footprints. Where were you in my time of need?"

And Jesus Responded "Quiznos"

#Jesus #quiznos

The Birth of The Men's Wearhouse Slogan

"'You're gonna LOVE the way you look, I guarantee it'... Yeah, you're right, too big of a guarantee. Don't wanna take out a check my ass can't bounce, right? Haha... ummm, yeah, I'm pretty sure that's the saying... Google it.... just Google it... ok, well, call me when the WiFi is back up, I wanna hear you eat that big slab of fresh "Gary, you're always on the money" pie... anyways, gonna change it to 'you're gonna LIKE the way you look, I guarantee it.' Have a good day, Allen. Jesus loves you."

#men's wearhouse #you're gonna like the way you look #i guarantee it

INT: the kitchen of a Dennys in South Jersey

*Mike "the situation" Sorentino is working the grill. He flips a hamburger and it falls on the floor.*

Mike- "uh oh! looks like we got a *sighs* situation over here."

*a single tear rolls down his eye*

#The Situation #mike the situation #dennys

The OFFICIAL ranking of the Shark Tank Sharks:

Mark Cuban

Lori Greiner

Kevin O'Leary

Robert Herjavec

Daymond John

Kevin Harrington

Nick Woodman

John Paul DeJoria

Steve Tisch

Jeff Foxworthy

Barbara Corcoran

#shark tank #mark cuban #lori greiner #jeff foxworthy #the profit

Barack Obama Turkey

*Barack Obama stands in front of a Turkey on a platform in front of the press*

Barack- "Following this great American tradition I hereby pardon this Turkey..."

*Barack Obama picks up the turkey and snaps its neck*

Barack- "To Death"

*Barack pours the blood of the Turkey on himself while singing a slow version of "Edelweiss." He finishes*

Barack- "And a happy New Year."

#Barack Obama #Turkey

•18+ Adults Only

Watch Anya Live on Cam

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.

✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions

Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming

I heard this song about 6 times on the radio yesterday. This is exactly how I imagined it being sung in my head.

#adam levine #Animals #maroon 5 #maroon 6 #muppets

"Young" a selling point when it comes to turkeys.

#thanksgiving #turkey #breaktheinternet

"Quit horsing around." "I'm a unicorn." "You're drunk and it's a Monday afternoon. Get your life together, Daniel." "You're right. I'm sorry."

#Horses #Unicorn #breaktheinternet

Conversation I just had with an adult website.

#porn #adult #teens #live nudes #webcam #breaktheinternet #buttholes

Telling it like it is.

#Yeshiva University

•18+ Adults Only

Watch Anya Live on Cam

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.

✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions

Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming

Your Boy Sway

Sway- "It's your boy Sway here!"

Candice- "Yeah, well, When is my MAN Sway going to be here! When are you gonna grow up! Tommy needs a father, not a best friend!"

Sway- "I'M A FAILURE!"

*Sway breaks down crying. Candice also cries for a second, wipes her tears. Stands above Sway.*

Candice- "So what's it gonna be?

*Sway sees his future flash in front of him, a lonely future where the Boy Sway never grows up. With determination in his eyes he stands up and looks at candice.*

Sway- "It's your adult Sway here."

*Sway hugs Candice. Gets his MBA. Opens small carpeting store that slowly grows into the biggest midwest tri-state carpeting empire. He's done it.*

#Sway #carpeting #growing up

Bud Light Up For Whatever

*2 guys at bar in Spokane, Washington*

Guy #1- "I'll take a bud light"

*Party lights begin flashing, confetti goes everywhere. Women wearing tight t-shirts bearing Bud Light logos. One lady approaches Guy #1.*

Hot Lady- "You ordered a Bud Light! That must mean you're up for whatever!" Guy #1- "Uhhh! YEAH! I LOVE BUD LIGHT, I AM UP FOR WHATEVER!" Hot Lady- "Good. Kill your friend."

*Hot Lady hands him a gun.*

Guy #1- "What?" Hot Lady- "Listen, you said you were up for Whatever. Prove it. Kill your friend." Guy #2- "Haha, that's really funny. I lik..."

*Hot Lady pistol whips Guy #2. He falls to the ground, gets back up and his face is covered in blood.*

Hot Lady- "Did I say 'talk' ese'?!?! You, shoot your friend or I tell everyone that you aren't actually up for whatever, capiche?" Guy #1- "Why are you doing this?" Hot Lady- "BECAUSE I DIDN'T DRIVE ALL THE WAY TO GODDAMN SPOKANE, WASHINGTON TO FIND OUT SOME NUMBNUT WHO ORDERED A BUD LIGHT WAS ACTUALLY MORE OF AN AMSTEL GUY, OK!?!? NOW ARE YOU UP FOR WHATEVER OR NOT?"

*Guy #1 Looks at gun, looks at hot lady, looks back at gun, looks at Guy #2*

Guy #2- "Wait, you can't be s..."

*Guy #1 pulls trigger. Guy #2 flinches but realizes he hasn't been shot, he looks up and he realizes that Guy #1 actually pulled the trigger on himself. Guy #1 falls to floor. Hot Lady goes over to the bar, takes an Amstel lights, twists the cap off and pours the contents of the bottle over Guy #1's lifeless body.*

Hot Lady- "Thought so."

Blackout. Text over black just says the words "Are you up for Whatever?" with a Budlight logo.

#Bud Light #budweiser #up for whatever #whatevertown #Whateverville #USA

Trending Blogs

Last Seen Blogs

The Levine Machine