Levi’s feelings didn’t start overnight.
Hell. It took him years to ever admit to himself that he truly had fallen for you.
After years of loss, grief, sacrifice, recklessness and emotional volatility, he tried to convince himself that it wasn’t worth it. Not worth the potential heartache. Not worth showing his vulnerability.
He knew that if he allowed himself to love again, it would be too much to bear.
He knew that. Of course he did.
But some unfortunate part of himself allowed it anyway.
At first, your relationship started slow. Easy. Most conversations being after strategy meetings late at night or quiet debriefings after long missions.
But the formalness didnt stop at conversations, but it was also in the silence of standing next to one another as you stood watch or helping tend to each others injuries without saying a word.
Levi’s feelings didn’t start because of your dramatics, erratic choices and spontaneous judgments.
In fact, it was because you were the opposite.
You were calm under pressure, sharp, quick and efficient. But the one thing he noticed out of it all — you were selfless.
Thinking of everyone else before yourself, and then falling apart when no one else is watching. And unfortunately,
Levi understood that all too well.
The real realization of how dangerous his feelings had gotten for you happened during a mission that had gone wrong beyond Wall Maria. Smoke filled the air in a thick cloud through the abandoned and collapsed buildings. Scouts were moving rapidly across broken rooftop shingles, ODM gear cables slicing through the thick air in harsh hisses and zips. Voices of command echoing through the chaos.
There were too many Titans. Not enough visibility through the smoke and steam and limited gas supply.
Levi landed hard upon a rooftop, the sound of a large 16 meter Titan falling to the ground behind him. The large creature shuttered the ground as it collapsed, causing the shingles on the roof to rattle like teeth chattering in anticipation.
He shook his blades free from the remaining blood of the Titan, watching as it began to steam as it hit the roof beneath him.
“Hange’s squad! Move East!” Someone shouted.
But Levi barely heard the man’s voice. Because nearly 300 yards away, your horse screamed. His head snapped up instantly at the shriek, the noise loud and sharp, slicing through the wind as a Titan reached for its hind legs. It swiped at them with enough force to drag both you and your horse into an unstable, half collapsed building.
Your name ripped out of him before he could even think.
Every soldier nearby seemed to freeze in place. Not because Levi screamed. But because pure, unadulterated panic was present in his voice.
Like a flash of light, he took off before the rubble of the building you had slammed into even fell. The gas of his ODM gear exploded behind him as he violently launched across the street at almost terrifying speed.
A Titan reached for him, nearly blocking his path.
In a flash, he killed it without ever slowing.
A twist of steel and pure fury. Nape bursting into steam. Dead before its body even hit the ground.
Levi landed in broken building and its rubble seconds later, sheathing his swords as he began to dig through the broken stones and wood. Splinters stabbed his hands, rocks scraped his knuckles. “Y/n!” He exclaimed once more, shoving the debris away from him as he searched.
The captain’s pulse thundered, his stomach lightly twisting. Because suddenly his mind started to flood with every image of every fallen comrade he had failed to save.
Isabel. Farlan. His squad.
He’ll be damned if he loses you too.
Suddenly, the debris and rubble shifted nearby, causing him to turn towards you as you desperately tried to push a beam away to free yourself, a rough cough escaping your lips.
Levi almost staggered with relief as he pushed his way towards you. Once he reached you, he pushed the beam away with enough force to nearly splinter its wood.
You looked up at him, slightly dazed as you coughed once more. “Levi?—“
His hands, rough and panicked, searched your body quickly for substantial injuries. “Can you stand?”
You winced as he helped you up, your stance lightly faltering as your ankle shifted beneath you, another sharp pain stabbing at your side. “Barely.”
A loud roar sounded nearby, along with heavy thundering footsteps. Both of your attentions snapped up to watch as three Titans moved directly towards your positions.
“Fuck.” Levi hissed. You were injured, preventing movement speed and space, and their gas cans were nearly empty.
Levi looked back at you, glancing down at your ankle. “Good enough.”
He grabbed you firmly around your waist, his arm locking hard around you as he launched the both of you into the air, his ODM cables hissing and screeching as they shot outwards towards their target against a broken building.
You latched onto him, your fingers locking around his harness as you watched the gas from his gear.
Too much. He was using too much gas.
Suddenly you both twisted violently in the air as another Titan swatted at the both of you. Levi shouted in frustration as he turned, his blade slashing through the Titan’s eyes without hesitation.
Levi winced at the sharp pain that shot through his ribs at the sudden maneuver. Probably pulled a muscle. “Tch.”
Finally they half crashed, half landed on a nearby roof of a church far away from the cluster of Titans they escaped. Levi landed harshly, his right knee slamming into the building’s stone as he dragged you into safety.
It wasn’t until the brief moment of stillness they got while catching their breath that he noticed that he was still gripping onto you. Gripping hard enough to leave bruises in his wake. At this realization, he quickly removed himself from you. However, that didn’t stop the slight shakiness of his hands.
Just barely noticeable. But of course you noticed.
You stared down at his hands, your expression softening just slightly. “Levi.”
Levi quickly looked away sharply as he shook his hands to try and rid himself of the shaking, staring down at the ruined buildings below them.
Unfortunately, he understood.
Understood that this love he somehow got himself into was not safe.
It was brutal. It was possessive in an ugly way that he would rather risk his life, and God knows how many other lives, than to lose you. Somehow his love for you had now become a tangled mess that interfered with his sense of survival.
He had lost too much already. Too many people. The idea of losing you not only hurt, but it made him willing to become absolutely and utterly ruthless, almost merciless, to keep you alive.
You noticed the sudden change in his demeanor as he allowed himself to feel this sudden realization.
You then reached for his shaking hand as you tried to stand, causing him to turn back to you to help you up. Immediately, you noticed the fury falter from his eyes as he scanned you once more, checking for injury.
Levi stared at you almost cautiously. Because despite the blood, the terror, and the violence that settled uneasily beneath his skin, he somehow found steadiness within your grasp. Your gaze.
You look at him with understanding, respect, and a new profound gentleness that made his stomach twist.
You stared up at him, studying those grey eyes you had come to look for first in every room. “You saved me.”
Levi stared at you for a long moment.
You had fallen asleep in the med-carriage by the time everyone arrived back at Scout Headquarters.
Levi had rode close to the cart, his eyes barely leaving you as he watched the medics tend to your wounds.
He had them bring you to your room at the south wing of headquarters. Luxury of being a senior scout.
Warm candlelight lit the room, casting dark shadows against the wooden floors, the golden light reflecting off of your skin. Levi sat beside your bed without moving.
The bandages that had been wrapped around your chest were just barely visible beneath the blankets that covered you. The bandage that wrapped around your head was stained in old blood from the large cut that a fallen piece of debris caused. Bruises darkened the sides of your neck where the collapsing building nearly crushed you just six hours earlier.
It had been too close. Too close he had come to losing you.
Levi stared at the bruising against your skin, his expression empty.
The memory of watching you collide with your horse into the already collapsing building replayed viscously in his mind nearly every time he blinked.
Most traumatic instances happened that way.
He was never able to escape the grief and pain of losing those he cared for. The nightmares never allowed for him to sleep.
Levi looked down at his wounded hands. Scraped and scratched from digging through the rubble.
He had heard mumbling of other Scouts saying they had never seen him so terrified.
But they were wrong. He had been terrified plenty times before.
This time was … different.
It was a reaction from a man realizing that the one thing that was holding him together was gone.
You shifted slightly in your sleep, causing him to snap out of his thoughts and look at you. The realization of you still breathing, still alive, hit him painfully in his chest.
He leaned forward slightly, letting his elbows rest against his knees while he watched your chest steadily rise and fall as you breathed.
Suddenly, the door to your room opened slowly. The soft creak of the wood on its hinges making Levi’s ears perk up ever so slightly at the noise.
“Levi. You’re still here.” Hange said. Levi didn’t look back, his gaze lingering on your chest as he watched you breathe. Silence settled in the room momentarily before he let out a tired sigh. “Obviously.”
Hange made a small hum of acknowledgment. A beat of silence followed before they responded. “You should sleep.”
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” His response was sharp, rough, and full of exhaustion.
“That, I know.” Hange sighed before they set down the bandages they had brought. “The medics were busy with other casualties and decided since Y/n was stable enough, I could bring the supplies they needed.” They slightly turned towards Levi as he glanced towards the supplies that Hange had placed on the nearby table. “I can come back, though. To change their bandages.”
“I’ll do it.” Levi said before his eyes flicked up to meet Hange’s. Light still flickered within them, though there was a small sense of hidden exhaustion and worry.
His gaze softened slightly before he nodded once to them. “Thank you, Hange.”
Hange bowed their head slightly before making their way towards the door once more. “You should rest, Levi. Y/n is okay.”
Levi turned away from them to look back at you, studying the movement of your eyes as they trembled underneath your eyelids. He sighed, closing his eyes briefly before he responded. “Twenty seconds.”
Levi scoffed at Hange’s response before he stared down at his battered hands.
“For twenty seconds,” his voice then sounded …wrong.
Detached. Like he was still trapped in that very moment the building crashed down onto you.
“For twenty seconds, they had stopped existing.” Levi said, his eyes opening, finding the rhythm of your chest once again. He laughed once under his breath. A terrible sound.
“You know the pathetic part of it all, Hange?”
“I couldn’t think.” Levi admitted. “At all.” He hesitantly reached for your hand. The same hand that grabbed his six hours earlier. “I’ve watched people die my entire life.” He continued. His throat tightened slightly which caused him to bare his teeth.
“I’ve experienced so much death in my life. Death of people I looked up to. People I trusted.” His hand lightly tightened against yours. “People I loved.”
“Then suddenly it was Y/n and I just …”
But he didn’t need to say anything else. Hange understood. Here was a man driven by a love that was desperate. A man who had survived too much loss, driven by a love that was built from grief, terror, and devotion.
A love now driven by instinct. A need for their survival.
Hange dipped their head once more, opening the door, the soft creak sounding once more. “Don’t hesitate to call for help, Levi.” Was all they said before they exited.
Levi bowed his head, letting his forehead rest slightly on his shoulder as his gaze fell to the ground. Rain drummed against the window, creating a soft ambience mixed with your steady breathing.
He stayed motionless for several minutes, just listening to the steadiness of your breaths.
He adjusted himself just slightly closer, his hand still wrapped over yours. His grasp was careful, as if he were holding something sacred.
Your fingers lightly tightened around his, as if you noticed his movement and didn’t want him to leave.
He sighed, a slight shake in the breath. He brought his other hand up to the one he held of yours, bowing his head. He shut his eyes for a moment.
He then spoke softly into the darkness.
“You can’t leave me too.” The words barely above a whisper.
A silent but tired, desperate and terrified of having to survive yet another grave, plea.
You stirred slightly at the sound of his voice. When your eyes opened, they were slightly disoriented. Then, your gaze immediately softened as your eyes fell upon him. “Levi…”
The captain straightened himself immediately. All of the frightening emotion he finally let himself experience, nearly vanishing completely behind unsettling composure. Most people would’ve missed it.
But nothing went unnoticed with you. Especially when it came to him.
You tightened your fingers around his hand, your gaze studying his own as he stared back at you. “You stayed.” Your voice barely a whisper.
Levi stared down at you like what you had said offended him. “Of course..”
Your eyes then fell to his hands. His injured, scraped and scarred hands. The skin around his knuckles were split open, the skin around it raw and red from digging through stone and splintered wood.
Your breathing hitched slightly with emotion, your thumb just lightly grazing over the injured skin. You felt his hand jerk slightly as he winced.
It was then you realized that he would’ve torn the rest of the building down, if it meant he would find you.
Levi noticed the silence that followed as you stared down at his battered hands. He stared down at you, his gaze flickering towards your face. “What?”
You looked up at him for a long moment, studying his grey eyes. The eyes that were trying to hide emotion, and failing.
You then gently lifted one of his injured hands to your lips, pressing a soft kiss to his ruined knuckles.
You felt him freeze at your touch.
When you lowered his hand again, your voice was rough with slight heartache as you looked up at him.
“You … love like it hurts.” You whispered.
Something sharp flickered through Levi’s eyes and across his face. Because unfortunately… you were right.
Love for Levi had always been shaped from violence and from loss. It was something he had to hold onto tightly because this cruel world tried to tear it away from him.
And he’d be damned if it stole it away from him again.
“It does…” Was all he said.
————— PART TWO COMING SOON —————-
