I would like to make a request to the anime gods: A Yuri on Ice ish anime but it’s about flat track roller derby. It has a divers cast of lgbtqa+ folk from diffrent country’s with diffrent ethnic and religious backgrounds coming together to fight as a team in competition to make it to the championships. There may be romance, heartbreak and just a great team bonding stuff. Also awesome hits and jumps. Also if someone wants to do this and needs to do research on the sport I got you, I’ve played for three years (would have been four if not for covid).

When you get a message on a dateing app so you check it and it just says “your asexual?” and you say “yes I am” and they don’t respond

Was really fucked up yesterday after talking to my mom (still fucked up about it realy). I was telling her how two of my friends are getting ready to move into there house they just bought 30 mins away from where they live now and they are also trying to get pregnant. My room mates are potentially buying a house 40 mins away from where we live now (about an hour away from my other friends new place) and as soon as they get settled they are going to start trying to get pregnant. I was telling her how much this sucked because we wont be able to get together weekly and play D&D anymore and she said “yup, everyone’s growing up.” Now my parents know I don’t want kids and have never been the type to constantly be like “when are you going to get married and have kids?” And I’m very grateful for that. But I’m f everyone I know is “growing up” by getting married, buying houses, and having kids where does that leave me? I’ve never been in a relationship (relisticly probibly never will even though I want to be) I’m trying despretly to save up money to be able to aford my own home (which is hard when your only one person) and I’m just sad that my found family is going to be so spread out. Does this mean I’m not growing up? What is it going to take to be “grown up” do I have to stop collecting comics and stop going to conventions? Because there’s older people than me that go (I’m almost 28) do I have to get married? I would love to but unfortunately I have never met anyone I think is atractive. Am I just supposed to force myself to be attracted to someone just to be “happy?” I’ve always felt, ever sense highschool, that everyone was moving faster then me, moving forward. Now almost all my friends are married and buying houses and here I are never been on a date and struggling to find a house that’s cheep enough for me to aford that’s not falling apart. An I not grown up? Idk how to do this on my own but I have to anyway because that’s not changing anytime soon.

I discovered something life changing last night. I found a 10 hour video on YouTube of a heart beat. I’ve always found videos af heart beats soothing then I’m hysterically depressed so listening to something like this isint new to me. The amazing part of it is I sleep curled up agenst a body pillow and last night I put my phone under it and turned the volume somewhat low. Now being asexual I have never met anyone I could stand to be close unugh, long enough to hear there heart beating. Resting my head on this body pillow while my arm was around it and being able to hear a heart beat was an overwhelming experience. I was giddy, even occasionally laughing and I couldn’t stop smiling. It was almost like there was a real person laying with me, like I could almost feel along with hear the beating heart. I have never wanted something so much in my life and I think spending some time like that before bead is I’m going to be a part of my night time routine.

One of the things that I hate about being asexual is that it always makes me feel like the odd one out. My immediate frend group consists of three couples and me. They have all been with there respective partners for 10 or more years. Two couples are married, one is engaged and here I am, alone sense the dawn of time. Don’t get me wrong, I fucking love being alone. When I have the apartment to myself I have full blown conversations with ppl that aren’t there and I sing at the top of my lungs and just overall feel at peace (most of the time anyway). But when our group gets together say, to go out to dinner, I’m the only one on my own check. When we play team games someone always has to sit out because there’s an odd number of ppl. Sometimes I even get the short end of games like when we were playing the voting game once and everyone had to vote for the person most likely to end up with someone who isint born yet and everyone picked me for the sole reason that I was single (or, as someone argued, this person “wasint born yet” as in they were an adult robot and not a human child. like either of those things made me feel great). Being around friends is supposed to make you feel at home when some days I feel like I can only tolerate a couple hours with them because any longer and I start to remember that no one has ever (romantically, family and friends are way fucking different) loved me. A lot of times I can’t escape that feeling because I live with two of the people I’m our group so when there home there together and I just feel like I’m intruding in there life. Sometimes it’s so bad that if I’m out doing something on my own (like I was today, skating and drinking coffee and treating myself) and I come home I will sit in my car for maybe and hour or so before finaly deciding to go inside because I knew they were home and I just wanted to be alone. I’m perfectly fine with being alone but when I’m reminded that there are people who have so easily found someone they can love who loves them it makes me feel so lonely that it’s physically painful. Sometimes I wish I had a group of single friends I could talk to or hang out with but I honestly don’t know that many single people. Even in my other close friend group there aren’t many who are single (like maybe 3) and I don’t get opertunities to hang out with them nearly as much. I know I rant about stuff like this a lot but any other aces feel like this? Any other aces wish they weren’t ace? I do know other aces struggle with wanting a partner but not being attracted to someone enough to date.