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ugh I am so sick of being sick. I was feeling slightly off and under the weather this week so I was somewhat taking it easy, but after the third day of not feeling 100% I knew something wasn't right...

Friday night I visit my parents and do a good ol' covid test and what do you know.. there are the 2 lines. positive.

I am such an on-the-go person especially during the weekends where I have my routine of going to my favourite gym location, then hitting up Winners and Indigo then likely Farm Boy.

It pains me to be stuck at home, especially when I'm in the part of my cycle where I'm suppose to have the energy to do these things I like.

So I am listening to my body and taking it easy at home. I'll alternate between studying for my FItness Instructor exam and napping. I find though, when I am stuck at home I do tend to get caught up in my head and over think somethings - a lot of things. Such as I'm messaging with this guy from Hinge and even though it is literal first days of us just talking it seems like we have SO MUCH in common and I haven't felt this giddy about a guy (looks and things in common) for a very long time. So being stuck at home with (consciously because I'm sick) little going on right now - it's so easy to over think and obsess about this situation and fantasize about life with this guy. Because think about it, if I was doing my regular weekend routine, I'd be out and about and far more stimulated doing other things, rather than being stuck home all weekend texting this guy I am totally mentally blowing up in my head.

I have to spend a lot of time studying for this course I'm taking to become a Fitness Instructor. I have a lot of time since it isn't for 2 weeks, but it hit me today how hard exams and tests are for me, and having ADHD. Since I just discovered I had ADHD about just over a year ago, I've never known how to properly study for exams or tests so it takes me back to my college and uni days were I absolutely bombed them. So studying for this test is really bringing up a lot of bad memories for me. Also the fact that I haven't had to formally study or take a test like this in well over 6 years.

I didn't do well in school, but now that I'm older and am aware of this diagnosis, I can prepare differently now. How you ask?

research strategies on how to study

Re-write it to make sense to me

mind-mapping

be kind to yourself in this process

believe in yourself

make it make sense to you, whether that be recording yourself saying it, drawing it out, re-writing it.

There, I said it. As one who is not big on going out in general, you could possibly find me rarely out at night in the summer months, but even then I'd rather be out during the day vs the night. However when it comes to winter, I can be found inside where it's warm, cosy and ideally paired with good company. I don't know what it is but the cold and darkness just brings me into into a not so great mood.

So in effort to accept that I likely won't be getting out much in the winter, I've signed up for a Group Fitness Instructor certificate.

I'm very nervous because tests and remembering key words have never been a strong skillset, but this time I'm going into it knowing that I will do my best, that I believe in myself and if I fail, I can always write the retest.

I am excited because it'll be a different way for me to connect with people through something I value and a way to stay active.

After a dark and dreary wet ride home, I rip my work clothes off to get into my sweats and rush under my weighted blanket that makes me feel all warm and cosy.

I lay here wondering how it's only November and become curious as to how I'm going to survive another 5 months of the darkness and cold. You'd think as an adult I would have mastered this by now, but somehow it catches me off guard every time. I sink into this lonely sadness where nothing feels like it matters and all I crave is yummy food. Even if I got invited out, I wouldn't want to go.

I am still trying to wonder why this is. Is it burn out? the weather? does it have anything to do with being neurodivergent? is it my female cycle? and I just over stimulated from the day? I honestly couldn't tell you, maybe it's just all of the above.

What I do want to change though, is this routine I fall so easily into in the winter - where I come home, get cosy and pull up the latest deal on Ubereats. I hate that I do it. I really do, but it brings such a comfort to me and is hard to put into words.

So, rather than fall into that default setting. I can think of some options. Such as:

Allow myself to regulate my nervous system when I come home for approx 30 -60 minutes before doing anything, (whether that be deep breathing laying down, legs up on the wall, etc.)

Look for some recent work out tunes to listen to help me get pumped up for the gym

Do a hobby at home like paint, write, draw or read

In doing this, I think it's important to also remember:

not to beat myself up for not going to the gym as much

to allow myself kindness that its ok I just want to crawl into bed after work - just try not to binge

I had a lovely slow morning and then my friend asked me to go to Costo with her and then after that I got stuck in that overstimulated state we often get in, with ADHD.

Now I'm sitting in my bed feeling a tad lonely because I got triggered from having a conversation about dating earlier with my friend. I don't know what it is, but I know that it helps to remember that at the end of the day, you gotta be there for yourself. No one other person should be there to make you feel safe, validated or anything except for you first. I mean obviously it can happen and when you do meet someone you absolutely should feel safe with them, but you gotta get yourself in check first - which is exactly what I've been working on.

Dating is hard though, as a big introvert, I love being home and especially in the winter I hate going outside. So as I trust the process and continue to keep warm in my bed, I then challenge myself to work through this trigger.

Some automatic thoughts that come to my mind when I get lonely or get triggered is

they will be better off than me when they do find their person

they will be happier than me

they are "Better" than me

they will have more figured out

they will get further in life than me

they can meet someone way easier than me right away

Now bare in mind it also depends on who in my life is talking about their relationship or dating, but writing out all these existing beliefs really helps see the fears and try to understand and then challenge them more.

Just because someone is in a relationship absolutely does not mean they are better than me. They still have the same life problems but now they also have to make someone else in their life work and compromise with them. They are already complete has a person, with or without anyone else.

That knowing that I have adhd and because of that, regular tasks are at times, SO much harder to do, manage and execute - but that means you should be even MORE proud of yourself for making the progress you are doing.

Its Sunday of the Labour Day weekend and I consciously made no plans so I could get stuff done like my online courses, learn google analytics and focus on all these items I want to do to build my business and career. The only thing is, now that the weekend has hit, I'm too sad to do any of it.

I feel incredibly lonely and this feeling doesn't make me want to do anything. I feel like I need to experience belonging and connection like trying a new experience, meeting new people, being near people. I know I have my best friend who I did see yesterday, but even after being with her, I still felt it. It feels debilitating and at times it can feel like such an impossible deep dark hole to get out of. Then of course you can make it worse by looking at social media for a quick dopamine hit which I reco not to do...

This constant feeling of loneliness I know is holding me back in a lot of ways. It comes from this feeling of the fear that I will die alone because i feel like I can not support myself financially or be ok so thats why I long for a partner so badly. Like right now, my parents help pay for my car insurance, home insurance, phone bill and Spotify (obi can't live without that).

So because these are important budget items in my life that I currently can't afford to fund, how do I expect to live on my own when I"m older?

What is another way of looking at this that would help me feel better

Look at how you've built your life right now, you will figure it out

a lot of this is future thinking and fearing what likely won't happen

Trust the process

I feel that I long for connection so badly, but being the INFP with ADHD that I am, I get quickly fatigued by social interaction and also find it so hard to click with the right people. I want to post online more like on tiktok and instagram but I don't know my angle, i have no strategy, I have no idea the colour story or what messaging I want to share on what platform, I get so overwhelmed.

I don't get it. I meditate, I journal, I am very aware of my positive attributes and values I carry, I do deep dive research into this feeling and where it comes from, to help me understand it better thinking I can do the work to no longer feel this way, but something just isn't clicking.

ugh I am so not stoked for winter or fall.

im trying to live in the moment, be present and all that jazz but the truth is, it's coming and In efforts for me to get ready and try to make it better than last year, i've thought long and hard about creating a "winter survival strategy". This is where I think of things to do to get through it so I don't just sit around, eat and get incredibly depressed and let the cold steal my soul. But in all honestly, It also makes me wonder if this is just bound to happen and I need to just accept it?

I've thought long and hard about this and because of this, my long term goal is to purchase or rent a place somewhere it's warm that I can travel to for a few months out of the year that I can live and work remotely from. However, given that my current job is an in office job (which I'm grateful for at the moment), this is not yet an option.

I am a major "action taker" so whenever something doesn't feel right, I immediately have to figure out why and right away figure out what I need to do to fix it and this living through winter in Ontario thing isn't it for me.

Aside from changing my living situation, I've thought of a few other things that I'm planning to incorporate into my "strategy". One of them is to regularly attend hot yoga classes/ work out classes. I find I get incredibly lonely and feel isolated in the cold months, so attending these regularly could really allow me to feel connected with people and it would challenge me to move my body other than regularly going to the gym.

Another one on the list is to go to events, workshops, meet ups in my area of which I have an interest in. I'd find these events through platforms like EventBrite, BlogTO, MeetUp.com and also the Local Library hosts regular events. These will be very helpful where I'll get to learn new things, meet new people and maybe even get outside of my comfort zone a bit.

A third idea I thought of is "mini trips". Now i'm not quite sure what this looks like at the moment, but it'd consist of weekends away or maybe even a week where I'd travel somewhere outside of Ontario. These can get pricey so TBD as I still need to do more research on this.

Now one more item on the list is... ugh... dating. To be honest, I struggle with this one because my time is valuable and as a typically burnt out introvert, I don't just leave my house for anyone. Usually in the winter, my dating life is dependant on the apps because (as we are simply learning here) I don't get out much in the winter. So in order for me to really want to meet someone in person where I believe it is possibly worth my time, we'd have to be talking via text and likely phone before meeting up. However, I think it is important to note - that talk to me in the summer and you'll find me talking to everyone out there and making friends, so not your typical introvert here I might add.

Well there you have it, my "winter survival strategy" which consists of: group work out classes, learning new things through attending events that can be found online, mini trips away and dating. I also forgot to mention we definitely can't forget to take those vitamins, especially Vitamin D, that's very important since we don't get as much exposure from the sun and this will help us the low mood.

plan your days

talk to boss about your plan and what your goals are this week for social media (calendar)

build a social media guideline package

be mindful of your ego, when people suggest something, watch your tone

Don't take all the feedback/comments SO personally, it has nothing to do with you

Weight/Body

I'm really struggling here because lately, I don't know if it's becuase I"m about to get my period or if this just what it is right now but I'm feeling a bit more weight on me and not motivated to do anything about it. I'll weigh myself ( though I'm making a conscious effort not to do so too much) and it's nothing I'm not expecting, but usually when I put my hand around my arm my fingers can touch and I know that might sound like an unhealthy approach, but I'm gradually trying to stop weighing myself so that is how I'm trying to gage it.

I know a factor is because I could probably improve my eating habits but with having ADHD, I'm treating food right now as a big dopamine source when this isn't really sustainable. I do try to be smart about it though, I will get a nice big roll of sushi and try to split it in half to make 2 meals out of it.

I don't know what it is, lately I've been drawn to so much comfort food and just eating out. I'll rationalize it bu thinking that the cost of food is up so high right now, that it would like cost just as much to make it from the grocery store. I also just hate cooking.

My big wonder here though is, why, in the middle of summer especially when I am at usually a lower weight because I don't have a huge appetite in the summer due to the heat, why am I so drawn to food right now?

I know that I go to food for comfort, so perhaps i'm experiencing something uncomfortable? Maybe my nervous system is maxed out and my cortisol levels are high so my body is unregulated? Am I off my routine? What is bothering me right now?

I think it's because I work out so frequently, like fucking everyday and still don't see the results I want in the gym. I feel like I've lost that definition, but I think it's because that what I'm eating isn't what it should be given the results that I want (with all the eating out...) I eat for comfort and a dopamine hit, and I also absolutely hate cooking. I feel like I just need a break from the gym I guess? I dont know, but I love it but I'm also at a loss of what to do for a work out becuase I'm not getting the results that I want. I guess it's time to try a new work out? I should probably be eating more veggies and salads, but I'm also just like meh who cares.

feeling very, very blah today.

I want to say it's likely because I'm about to get my period and I know that is true, but my mind plays so many tricks on me and I'm just teaching myself now how to train it and not listen to all the thoughts in my head and think that they're all real because they are not.

Work is changing a lot. It went from just me and my co-worker to now a boss and 2 other coworkers on our team and it's definitely been quite an adjustment.

It was just the 2 of us managing the department, so when we got a boss she split both of our roles into 2 roles which I am VERY grateful for and incredibly proud of myself for being a 1 man show for the marketing and communications, however it's been well over a month and I still have yet seen my revised job description. I've brought it up several times, and I ensure to angle it so I am clear on my tasks and can check all the boxes that I'm suppose to be doing now. Every time I ask she'll just say "oh ya..." so what do I even say after that??

The new guy who took over the other half of the role is alright. He's quite creative and incredibly digitally talented. He used to be a freelancer but then got sick of not being able to "turn off" as an entrepreneur, so thats why he wanted to work for someone else.

He keeps complaining about how hes on week 3 and the company still hasn't provided him his work computer, so he has to bring in his $6000 computer everyday - which I really don't see it being that terrible. I mean it's not ideal that after that long we still haven't provided him one and ya it doesn't look great... but then he'll make comments about what we are providing him is a "downgrade" compared to what he is working with and was disappointed we weren't able to provide him with all of his asks. Like dude, you have to remember where you are working here, we aren't a top high level company corporation here - its a yacht club... I don't know why this bothered me so much.

Then this week the new girl who took over the other half of my coworkers job started. Shes young, peppy and very outgoing. Idunno why but I find her kind of annoying. it feels like she tries really hard, I guess because she just started and shes young. What really annoys me is that she seems to get along REALLY well with my favourite coworker Angela (The one where it was just me and her all along).

Also everyone is starting to just love her, especially HR and it's so fucking annoying because I really don't like HR. She trying to make this place into a hotel vibe, and it's not a hotel... it is a yacht club...

They're all just obsessed with her, and I mean thats great, but idunno, I guess i'm jealous? or something about my ego here, because I feel like I used to be her and the entertainer when I worked at my previous corporate job a few years ago. I loved being that outgoing, spunky, fun one who stuck out from the group. But I that's not really me anymore and part of that makes me sad, but on the other hand part of me is grateful that my life isn't that chaotic anymore because those are the stories that I would share at the lunch table at work. So maybe it's a good thing because really all these stories she tells is about her toxic friends or things that happen to her - when I've been through that and learned my stuff.

I'm the type of person who goes to work to get shit done, make a difference, do my job and learn while I go. But this whole setting almost feels like a popularity contest and it's soooo different then what Im used to (with the corporate background). I've read before that 80% of doing well at work is the people liking you, and 20% how well you actually doing your job.

Reminder:

you are learning from this expereince

you are liked by your coworkers

you are also older than her and this is her "young chaotic" time in her life

You have a life outside of work

Now, maybe you could say this about any pet, but I can only speak for bunnies at this time.

Two weeks ago my colleague showed me some incredibly cute bunnies on Kijiji and this colleague is quite the chatty one so being the introvert that I am, I tried to keep this conversation as brief as possible.

Interestingly enough though, the thought of bunnies really stuck with me after. For a while I knew I had wanted some kind of animal if not now, but for sure down the line, specifically a French Bulldog as I feel I really have the lifestyle for one (other than having to go into work 4/5 days a week, which was why I held off on this decision). Though, bunnies was a whole different animal I'd never even considered and it intrigued me.

So, after some brief research and a quick google search - there I found myself with not one but TWO bunnies! In my defence, the breeder said they were bonded together and could give me 2 for the price of one, so how could I say no to that...

An hour later there I found myself with 2 bunnies, a small bathroom covered in cardboard I'd picked up from a walk down the street, and the small bag of food the breeder gave me - this was Canada Day so all pet stores were closed so it was slim pickins for me. I didn't even have a cage lol.

Now, 13 days later, i'm amazed at how much these guys have changed me. The first few days I was a nervous wreck, I had (and still don't) no idea what I was doing, I felt like a terrible mother, on the second day I even dropped one of them while I was standing up!! (then cried immediately after of course), but it's so interesting because as I nurture these little creatures as they grow it feels like I"m nurturing my inner child as well and I find it incredible. To speak so soft and kindly to them and reassure them that they are safe and sympathize that I get this is a scary, unknown time - but that this is temporary and you just have to trust me and we just need to be patient. Just thinking about this makes me want to cry!

I truly had no idea that having a animal in your life could do this to you and I am so happy I did this. I even expressed to my mom a few of my concerns and how much getting them fixed would be ( look it up, it is NOT cheap...) Do you want to know her response? It was that I could always just give them back or one back... but thats not how I work. Im gonna own this, I'm going to take responsibility for my actions and move forward with this decision. I'm going to remind myself that it's ok that they don't warm up to me right away, but to build that trust, companionship and love takes time - and that goes with reparenting your inner child as well and thats exactly what I feel like I'm doing right now in this stage in my life.

i feel sad and alone and its rare for me to connect with people. They might feel that connection but its not common for it to be on my end because I just see through so much of people insecuries and I don't have the patiences for it.

This leads me to want to do more events that I am drawn to like writing workshops, pottery, new workout classes, spiritual, health and wellness events. Execept, at the end of my in office work day where chaos lays (open work station, people talking all day, everyday, no boundaries), my nervous system can only handle so much after a whole day of that and have the energy to do more of what brings me joy and feeds me.

I spent pretty much the whole long weekend alone and I'm realizing that I get scary in my end and end up feeling incredibly sad and alone. Does this mean I have slow self compassion or are we just human beings wired for connection and Im' just sad didn't feel that this weekend.

ways to find connection

talking to people in the coffee shop or regular places you go

writing (like this)

calling a friend

write a note to yourself

take a group fitness class

pros

great listener

likes to go on long walks

loyal

starting his own business

very chill

cons

losing his hair

can be negative

he loves to go on very long walks and as i do love this about him, it almost makes me wonder if he walks to avoid something (mentally).

hes this 40 year old dude who isn't working atm, paid off his condo, loves warhammer, conspiracies, having baths, watching tv, inCREDIBLY affectionate - like if we are sleeping he has to cuddle me.

burnt out, down, lonely and uncomfortable.

don't have much to say today, but i'm feeling so lonely that i am actually considering hanging out with this guy i work who with is literally 30 years older than me. I understand that is so wrong but thats how lonely i am.

I think its cause it enjoy it attention? i feel like we barely even have anything in common.

as an introverted individual with adhd, it's incredibly hard to keep friends. I have no problem making them, but keeping them is another story. Ive also learned that due to my introvertism (love that i just made up this word, how is this not a word?!), but i'm learning that quality time is not a love language of mine and I feel like that makes it even more difficult for me to keep friends.

I lost (who i thought) was a really good freind of mine this week. we had a lot of fun, we'd go to the gym, go shopping, talk on the phone all the time, text all day. But then something happened and he turned on me and he got really, really mean. it takes a lot for me to open up to people and i did with him. and he fully threw it back in my face. he was so so mean and it really hurt my feelings.

Usually with the warm weather I come alive and I feel great. But today I just feel meh.

I can’t stop eating. I’m always tired and feeling burnt out.

I talk to my friends about it but I feel like they’re getting sick of hearing about it so I invested in what I thought was a coach who would help me plan and achieve my goals and hold me accountable… but she turned out to be more of a ‘spiritual guide’ who has recommended me to practice Reiki and to purchase certain healing stones. Now, I will say, that I do consider myself some level of a spiritual person as in I believe to trust the process and timing of life events- but I need more ‘real life’ goals and to take action.

I have invested a significant amount of money with this spiritual guide and paid in full. We talk every week and I think I’m about half way through. Right now it almost feels like she’s hindering me and almost adding more stress to my life /complicating it more, vs. Helping me move forward. Now so this isn’t a complete lost cause here, I’ve been trying to pivot my mindset and think about how I can utilize her in another way and tell her what I specifically need from her. Example I tell her I need to set goals and I need her to hold me accountable for them, however it never ends up to be that simple and straight forward.

So, I have a few options here:

Option A) tell her I don’t want to work with her anymore and drop it there and essentially take this as a life lesson to do more research into large investments and accept it for what it is

Option B) continue to work with her and don’t say anything

Option C) continue to work with her but tell her it’s not what what you expected (?! Then what?)