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Tim, hanging up the call on his phone: I’ll call you back

Jason: Ooh, who are you calling?

Tim: None of your business

Jason: So you’re dating someone?

Tim: How did you get that from “none of your business”

Jason: I mean there are like two reasons for your secrecy: dating someone or planning something fun. I am choosing to believe that you’re dating someone because you wouldn’t plan something fun without me then not tell me, that’s just mean

Tim: Something fun as in destruction?

Jason, tossing a pen at him: Yeah, but don’t avoid the question

Tim: I’m not dating anyone. Drop it

Jason: Mmm no. I don’t believe you. Honesty is the best policy, Tim Tam

Tim: …Will you get out of my room if I tell you?

Jason: Maybe. I definitely won’t if you don’t tell me

Tim: Okay… Fine. But what I say doesn’t leave this room

Jason: I get to tell three people and nothing I say leaves the group of those three and us two

Tim: Absolutely not

Jason: Fine, you leave me no choice. *Starts walking around Tim’s room, picking up random things and dropping them on the floor* Wow, I love my room so much! And all my weird little things like… *picks up Tim’s phone* this projectile! If I remember correctly, it was made for being thrown out of windows

Tim: Jason, stop

Jason, getting on the bed and laying on top of Tim: Ahhh my nice, comfy bed! You know what? I will simply never leave this room

Tim, trying to push him off: Okay! Okay! I get it! You can tell three other people and no one else!

Jason, getting up: Good. And Roy doesn’t count for those three other people, I get to tell him anyway

Tim: …Fine

Jason, sitting crisscrossed on Tim’s bed: Okay, so who are you dating?

Tim: I’m not dating anyone… but… so I think I’m… I like guys and girls. I’m bi

Jason: …That’s the big news? Tim, hate to break it to you, but like ninety percent of us are bi, and the ones who aren’t bi are just straight up gay

Tim: Even Alfred?

Jason: Yeah, I think he was in a poly relationship with Martha and Thomas. So who was your gay awakening—or bi awakening, I guess

Tim: It’s Kon

Jason: Kon Kent? Superboy?

Tim: Yeah… but I think he’s straight, so—

Jason: Oh my God, it’s bad enough that you like a super, but then you think Kon of all people is straight?!

Tim: You’ve only spoken to him like three times, how would you know?!

Jason: Timantha, that guy is the epitome of bi-ness. Hell, I think the blue in his suit is the exact shade on the bi flag and the red is very similar to the pink on the flag

Tim: …So you think I should tell him?

Jason: Duh, but maybe bring some kryptonite just in case I turn out to be wrong and he says something douchey or homophobic

Tim, taking out a notepad: Kryptonite, got it. So how should I confess?

Jason: Let’s get some rose petals and candles

Tim: Aren’t rose petals flammable?

Jason: It’s romantic

Tim: Pretty sure fire isn’t romantic, but okay. What else?

Jason: We should get something sweet you’d both recognize as a token of your bond. Also, you should ask him out at night so the candles look nicer. Maybe outside, and we could get some cake and fireworks

Tim: Got it, but what should I do with the kryptonite? What if I put it in my pocket and then he pulls me into a hug or kiss and the kryptonite rubs against him and he passes out?

Jason: Hm… good point. We could get a chandelier made of kryptonite and hang it up high enough that he at least doesn’t notice if it affects him. I’ll like hold it up with a rope, and if he says something rude I’ll just drop it down on him. But just so we’re clear, “no” doesn’t count as something rude, he can say “no,” that’s one of the rights in the constitution I think

Tim: Yeah, that’s a good idea. I’ll make a subtle X with the roses where the chandelier would fall so we can have him stand there, and if he asks I’ll just tell him the chandelier is made of jade

Jason: Yeah. We’re great at this whole “romance” thing

Tim: We really are

Dick, listening in from outside the door: Aww, they’re bonding! Should I warn Kon, though? …Nah, he’s Superboy, he’ll be fine

Tim: So who are you going to tell?

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Bruce: *In the kitchen, pouring windex into a bowl*

Damian, walking in: Father, have you bought cupcakes for tomorrows event?

Bruce: Even better! I’m making some!

Damian: …Why? Are you attempting to get revenge on my classmates? What did they do? I have safer ideas for this revenge

Bruce: What? No! What’s so bad about me making some tasty cupcakes?

Damian: Father, everything is bad about you making cupcakes. Did Alfred not ban you from the kitchen years ago?

Bruce: I’ll admit that my last attempt didn’t go so well, but I’m trying a new recipe

Damian: I don’t believe it’s the recipe that’s the problem. The batter is bubbling

Bruce: That’s how you know it’s ready to form!

Damian: Form as in…?

Bruce: As it roll it into a cupcake shape and pop it in the oven, of course

Damian: I will go get Alfred

Bruce: Alfred’s away this week

Damian: Thomas, then. *Half runs off*

Stephanie, walking in: Hey, B. Whatcha doin’?

Bruce: Hm? Oh. I’m playing a trick on Damian and the other kids

Stephanie, sitting down: What’s the prank?

Bruce: Because they all believe that I am terrible at baking, I’m pretending to make horrific cupcakes and at the last moment before the taste test, I’m going to switch them out for delicious cupcakes I made last night

Stephanie: You made delicious cupcakes? I want proof

Bruce: Look, I’ll admit that I’m bad at cooking, but I can be quite the baker, just you wait

Stephanie: mmmm’kay I want in.

Bruce: Excellent

Stephanie: But first I want popcorn

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Duke, being dragged into the kitchen by Damian: Hey, B. What’s the spatula for?

Bruce: Well it’s about time to flip the cupcakes

Duke: Flip the… cupcakes?

Damian, whispering to Duke: I told you he’s a fool in the kitchen

Duke, whispering back: Yeah, yeah, I got that. *To Bruce* Why do you need to flip the cupcakes?

Bruce, giving Duke a look: To cook it all the way through. I can’t serve kids raw meat, that’d be dangerous

Stephanie, eating microwave popcorn: Yeah, Duke, that’d be dangerous

Damian: Brown, what are you doing here?

Stephanie: The WiFi’s off and this is prime entertainment

Duke: Bruce, hang on. What’d you mean “raw meat”? I thought you were making cupcakes

Bruce: I added some steak and bacon as some protein. I also made a vegetarian friendly version, though, where I substituted the meat for quinoa and some chopped up peppers

Damian: …I am feeling a twisted sense of curiosity

Stephanie: Don’t. I felt that same twisted sense of curiosity when I saw those lopsided cupcakes in the cabinet a month ago and look what happened!

Bruce, hands on his hips: Now I just need to make some frosting while that cooks. Do you think frosting involves ice? It must, right?

Duke: I… I’m not dealing with this right now, I’m just not *Walks off*

Stephanie: Yeah, frosting involves ice. Specifically dry ice

Bruce: I thought so. *Walks off*

Damian: Why are you encouraging this?

Stephanie: Like I said, this is prime entertainment

Damian: He’s going to try to serve it to children

Stephanie: You’re Robin, you can stop them from eating it. Consider it a stealth mission

Bruce: *Comes back with gloves and a bucket of dry ice*

Bruce: Alright, what else? …Probably the insides of some squishies for the texture and some crushed mentos for flavor, right?

Stephanie: Yeah, totally

Damian, taking out a paper and pen: Father, just how many creative liberties did you take while making these… “cupcakes”?

Bruce: Let’s see… there was the shrimp, pulp from the orange juice, a little bit of Elmer’s Glue for the texture, some cotton to get that soft, fluffy feel… the meats, of course, and some honey

Damian: *Drops the pen and walks away*

Bruce, calling after Damian: Go tell your siblings that taste testing is in half an hour!

Bruce: Well, I’d say this is going pretty well

Stephanie: I can already feel their blood pressures getting higher! *Demonic cackle*

**In the hospital**

Bruce, to Stephanie: Okay, the doctor prescribed some Advil for the stomach pain, but otherwise you should be fine

Stephanie, in a hospital bed with her arm in a cast: I can’t believe you broke my arm, Bruce. I thought I was your favorite Robin

Damian: Why is Stephanie the favorite?! She was only Robin for a month!

Stephanie: Yeah, ‘cause Bruce fired me ‘cause he wanted me to be safe. He hasn’t fired you ‘cause he doesn’t care

Damian: That’s not true! Father, that’s not true, is it?

Bruce: Of course not, I don’t have favorites. And Stephanie, I didn’t break your arm

Stephanie: Your cooking broke my arm and you were the cooker of your cooking so your cooking, done by you, the cooker, broke my arm

Bruce: Moving past the fact that that makes absolutely no sense, your arm is broken because you were flailing around on the floor

Stephanie: Because of your cooking

Bruce: Because of your reaction to my cooking

Stephanie: Are you blaming me after you broke my arm and probably my stomach?!

Bruce: Okay, the cupcakes weren’t that bad

Stephanie: Not that bad?! NOT THAT BAD?! IM IN THE HOSPITAL!

Bruce: For mostly unrelated reasons!

Stephanie: The doctor had to prescribe Advil for the stomach pain you put me through! And I’m probably benched ‘till my arm heals!

Damian: I got to skip the school event. Thank you for scaring Brown with your cooking, father

Bruce: You’re welcome, Damian. And Stephanie, you had stomach pain after eating at BatBurger and you didn’t stop. Besides, I’d bet anything that most of your stomach pain is because you ate all thirty cupcakes

Stephanie: … I’m not talking to you anymore.

Bruce: Alrighty then

**Complete silence**

Stephanie: Damian, tell Bruce I said this is all his fault

Damian: I am not a messenger

Stephanie: I’ll take you and Jon to a cat cafe next weekend

Damian: Father, this is all your fault. I will go call Jonathan now and inform him of the good news *Basically runs off*

Stephanie: See? Even your youngest child agrees

Bruce: I was not aware that you were willing to watch two preteen boys for multiple hours. I suppose I’ll have to inform Clark that you’re an option if either of us ever need a babysitter

Stephanie: …Just this once

Bruce: Hm. So will you be staying at the Manor during your recovery?

Stephanie: Fine, but only because Cass is there

Bruce: Of course

Tim, putting his phone down on his nightstand: What do you want?

Jason, flexing in front of Tim’s mirror: I look ripped as fuck

Tim: Don’t you have your own mirror?

Jason, ignoring him: These are what real abs look like, Tim

Tim: Okay? Why are you telling me this?

Jason: Just thought you should know, ‘cause you’ll never experience it yourself

Tim: Oh shut up; I work out

Jason, giving him a look: Sure

Tim: I worked out yesterday! You were there!

Jason: Ooh, what’s this? *Holds up a cup of pens*

Tim: They’re pens, you neanderthal

Jason: *Throws one of the pens at Tim*

Tim: Jason!

Jason: *Throws more pens*

Tim, getting out of bed: Give me that!

Jason, holding the cup of pens above Tim’s head: What’s the magic word?

Tim: …ALFRED!

Jason: *Drops the cup of pens, turns off the light, and leaves, slamming the door behind him*

Tim: …At least he closed the door

Dick: We have cupcakes? Give me one

Bruce: Not anymore, they’re all gone. All thirty of them

Stephanie, crossing her arms: Why does it matter? Just ask Alfred to make some more if you want some

Bruce: They’re not for me; they’re for Damian’s school event which is in… *checks his watch* twenty minutes

Dick: Maybe you can bring a bowl of candy or something

Tim, looking up from his phone: Oh, actually I took most of the candy to a thing with my friends

Jason, walking in and sitting down at the counter: Tim has friends?

Tim: Your best friends are basically hand-me-downs from Dick, I wouldn’t be talking

Jason, scowling: That’s—

Dick: Timmy, you sure you took all the candy? You didn’t leave any?

Tim: Uhhh, I think I left like three packs of Fruit Snacks

Dick: Okay, how many kids are in Damian’s class? Maybe they can split them?

Damian: I am not bringing fruit snacks to a school event. Have class, Grayson

Dick: Hey! Fruit Snacks are delicious and healthy!

Jason: Healthy? Fruit Snacks?

Dick: Yeah, the packaging says it uses real fruit and is 100% Vitamin C and 25% Vitamins A and E

Stephanie, whispering: There are vitamins called A and E? Is there a vitamin alphabet?

Damian: The fact that you have survived to adulthood is astounding

Bruce: We’re getting off topic. Who took the cupcakes? I won’t be mad

Stephanie: Why are you asking if you won’t be mad? Why do you need to know? Why’s it your business?

Bruce: I just want to know who’s brave enough to tell me the truth

Jason: We jump off of buildings and fight people who want us dead nightly, why are you questioning our bravery?

Tim: And slash or stupidity

Dick: Hang on, when did Alfred make cupcakes anyway? Hasn’t he been busy?

Bruce: Alfred didn’t make them, I made them.

Dick: You… made cupcakes?

Tim: Great, so all we have to do is see who dies of food poisoning within the next few hours and we have our culprit

Jason: I’m going to tell Alfred that Bruce used the kitchen again

Bruce: Hey! I followed a recipe this time and I barely took any creative liberties!

Dick: Barely? You barely took any “creative liberties”?

Damian: I believe the cupcakes going missing before this event was a blessing in disguise

Stephanie: Everyone shut up! I need to call my mom and tell her I love her

Bruce: So it was you!

Stephanie, gripping the counter: Not now, B, I’m having a crisis! *Gagging noises* I’m going to die! *Slowly loosens her grip on the counter and slinks down onto the floor, still gagging*

Bruce: Stephanie, you’ll be fine! The recipe had some good reviews

Dick: I’ll call Leslie!

Stephanie, from the kitchen floor: I SEE THE LIGHT!

Jason, running out: ALFRED!

Damian: Brown, you are looking at the ceiling light

Stephanie: God? That you?

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