Random Thoughts

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Dick, walking into the kitchen: Hey, B, Dami said you need us for something?

Bruce: Yes, I do—

Steph: WE do.

Bruce: We do. Are all of you here?

Duke, eying the oven: Sadly. Did you finish flipping the… “cupcakes?”

Jason, almost choking on his smoothie: What?!

Damian: Allow me to catch you all up: we are going to die of food poisoning.

Dick: Bruce tried cooking again?!

Steph, deviously cheerful: Me and Bruce tried cooking! We were going to follow a recipe but that sucked so we improvised!

Bruce, taking a tray of deformed, bubbling blobs out of the oven, which is how oozing slime: Indeed we did! And they look delicious if I do say so myself!

Tim: *Slowly lets his phone drop out of his hand*

Steph: Yeppers! We just need to decorate them and they’ll be ready to serve! You guys go wait in the dining room!

Jason: So this is how I die. Again.

Cass, walking to the dining room: Steph, Bruce, and kitchen is… not a good combination.

Duke, following Cass: He flipped the cupcakes in the oven because “I can’t serve kids raw meat, Duke.” ________________________

*In the dining room*

Jason: I can’t do this.

Cass: Do it for Steph?

Jason: Steph’s my technically-brother’s ex so, based on the sibling code, I should do nothing for her

Cass: But Steph is your sister’s girlfriend

Duke: Yeah, so I think those cancel each other out

Jason: Well if they cancel each other out then she’s technically just some girl to me, so…

Damian: Why are we discussing the details of Stephanie’s relation to Todd when we are about to die?

Duke: Distracting ourselves from the horrors.

Dick, banging his fist on the table: That’s it!

Cass: Not letting them walk over us and make us eat “cupcakes”? Revolution?

Dick: No, I meant “that’s it” as in “we’re not suffering alone.” I’m calling Babs to tell her to come suffer with us.

Jason: She’s too smart to agree. Speaking of which, why did I agree to come here on the first place?

Damian: I didn’t tell you the details. So I suppose if we don’t tell Barbara the details…

Dick, on the phone with Babs: Heyyy Babs, Babsicle, Barbie … no nothings really up, just wanted to see if you’d come down to the Manor for a bit! … Someone made some “cupcakes,” so we’re all … hm? No, I didn’t say “cupcakes” weirdly, I just have a cold … yeah a cold that only affects the way I say “cupcakes.” It’s a side effect of one of Ivy’s new pollens. … Yeah, okay, see you then. Cant wait to eat the “cupcakes” together! *Hangs up*

Jason: Shes going to be so pissed when she sees them

Dick: I know, but it’s only fair for us all to suffer together

Tim: “Us all?” I’m not getting involved in this.

Duke: Quick question, why are any of us getting involved in this?

Dick: Steph’ll guilt me into eating them anyway, so if I have to suffer we all do.

Tim: Yeah, you guys have fun with that.

Cass: Why not you?

Jason: Seconded.

Tim: I’m not dealing with this! I have no spleen and I’m celiac! I’d be… I don’t know… hospitalized! Or graveyard-ized!

Jason: Interred.

Tim: The point is I could die!

Damian: Drake, all of us could die! He poured chemicals in there!

Tim: Even more of a reason not to eat it! Besides, you guys have an immune system! What’s left of my immune system hates me!

Barbara, coming in: I’m here, what’s going on?

Dick: Steph and Bruce made “cupcakes.”

Damian: They were discolored blobs more than cupcakes.

Barbara: …Richard. What the fuck.

Dick: IF I HAVE TO SUFFER WE ALL DO

Tim: Except for me

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*In the kitchen*

Bruce, taking out actually good cupcakes: So these are the ones I made

Steph: …So maybe that time my stomach hurt after eating the cupcakes really was because I ate like all ten of them.

Bruce: Twenty six, but yes

Steph: Mhm… got purple frosting?

Bruce, taking out a bowl of purple frosting and a container of sprinkles: Of course. And purple sprinkles.

Steph: Let’s do this!

Bruce: Wait, I’m putting on my Baking Montage playlist *Beethoven’s Für Elise starts playing*

Steph: Classical music? Really?

Bruce, shrugging: I also have a Chappell Roan playlist if you’d prefer that

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Dick: What’s taking them so long?

Steph and Bruce: *Burst through the door holding platters of delicious looking cupcakes*

Steph: Behold! Dessert!

Jason: Those look… surprisingly good

Barbara: …Definitely not what I expected from what I heard

Steph, setting the cupcakes down: It’s amazing what you can do with some TLC

Bruce: Bon Appetit

Everyone but Tim: *Hesitantly takes a cupcake*

Bruce: Tim, the cupcakes are gluten free

Tim, eyeing the platter: I’ll pass…

Duke: The moment of truth.

Dick: Everyone take a bite in 3… 2… 1…

Everyone but Tim: *Takes a bite*

Damian: This is… surprisingly good *takes another bite*

Barbara: Wow, I never thought I’d see the day either of you made any good food, but this is…

Bruce: Thank you, Barbara

Dick: Yeah, this is actually good, and I’m not just saying that this time

Steph: Tha— this time?

Dick: Did I mention how good the cupcakes are?

Tim: Are you guys serious? It’s actually good? You’re not just bluffing?

Jason, very clearly enjoying the cupcake: Nah, we’re lying. You shouldn’t eat any, Tim; it’s horrible

Tim, grabbing a cupcake: Oh fuck you *Takes a bite* mmm!

Bruce and Steph: *High five*

Alfred, in the distance: Why is slime leaking from the oven?! And what are these blobs?!

Bruce and Steph: *Exchange a glance*

Bruce: He can’t get us in the Batcave

________________________

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Steph: Ooh the theme is the Victorian Era, you’d probably know a lot about that, huh?

Dick: I’m twenty six!

Steph: Mhm, mhm, so did you help stab Julius Caesar or were you too busy doing something else in Rome back then?

Dick: Oh shut up

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Steph: …I’m going to give that person one star

Dick: Wait but their outfit is so cute

*Person does Pose 28*

Dick: Oh never mind

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*Steph’s character comes on the runway*

Dick: That’s one of the worst outfits I’ve ever seen. I’d hate to be them, huh?

Steph: Bitch! That’s me and you know it!

Dick: Mhm… I’m going to have to give you no stars. …Oh wait that’s not an option. Okay you get like three stars I guess

Steph: You GUESS? Well then I GUESS I’ll have to give you one star next round

Dick: Wait no, my vote comes from a place of love! …The love of winning

Steph: …So you admit I’m a threat! You have to lie about my vote because you feel threatened by my excellence and want to try to bring me down!

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Steph: Hey where are you?

Dick: Oh I’m in the VIP room

Steph: …You got VIP? Without me?

Dick: Yeah, but I mean you could just buy it with B’s credit card

Steph: Seriously Richard?! I thought we were going to eat the rich together and now you become the rich?!

Dick, pretending to wipe off tears: I’m sorry Stephanie! I know the sting of betrayal like the back of my hand and I cannot believe I’d do something like this to you! I don’t know what came over me!

Steph: Uh huh! From my own flesh and blood no less!

Dick: Indeed! …If I gift you VIP can we keep playing?

Steph: …I’ll allow it

Dick: Excellent

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*Theme is Poison Apple*

Steph: Hey what are you doing for this one?

Dick: Oh I’m making a cute Snow White outfit because she ate the poisoned apple

Steph: …Oh

Dick: Mhm! What are you doing?

Steph: So like I’m layering everything I can get my hands on so I can try and look like an apple and then I’m just going to put on like a mean looking face to get the point across that this is a mean apple. A poisoned apple if you will

Dick: Seriously?

Steph: Well I didn’t know what else to do!

Dick: … I mean there’s not really time for you to change so maybe we could like do a duo and you can be the poisoned apple Snow White bites

Steph: Oh yeah okay!

Dick: Can I see the outfit?

Steph: Oh yeah here

Dick: Oh… that’s… neat…

Steph: What, did you change your mind about duoing or something? You’re not getting out of this! It’s like marriage before divorce existed, the only way out is to kill me or fake your death and move to Canada under the name Josh Hicklewhomper

Dick: Mmm… no. I’ll probably look great next to you

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Steph: So you and Harvey Dent are twins?

Dick: What are you talking about?

Steph: I just wanted you hype someone up in the chat while giving them one star. You’re two-faced like Harvey

Dick: …I’m going to give it to you, that was a pretty good one

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*Theme is celebrity*

Steph: So who are you doing?

Dick: Oh I’m doing Bruce that one time he swam with his shirt off in a fountain to keep up his Brucie Wayne image

Steph: Oh that’s cool

Dick: Thanks, who are you doing?

Steph: So remember that time we were at a gala and you choked on a mini quiche and spat it up all over some senator? I’m doing you the time you did that

Dick: …I know I should probably be mad but I really want to see how you portray that

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Dick: Can we just agree right now that if the theme is scary creature, neither of us are dressing as Joker?

Steph: Yeah, we can’t give him the satisfaction

Dick: Exactly! So if that theme comes up, who are you dressing as?

Steph: I mean when I worked retail there was this one lady who was like a Karen but dialed up to 100 so I’ll go as her, maybe add in a little “I want to see the manager.” Who are you going as?

Dick: So have you ever seen Newsies?

Steph: Uh… no, I don’t think so

Dick: Okay well it’s great and I’m going to force you to watch both the movie and musical after this and also the fact that it went off of broadway is a crime against humanity but anyways I’m going is Joseph Pulitzer. Maybe Weasel

Steph: Pulitzer? Like the Pulitzer Prize?

Dick: Sort of. He’s a guy and he sucks because he forces kids to work for pennies when he has plenty of money. Like the 1800s version of Lex Luthor. Discount Lex. Or maybe Lex is Discount Pulitzer. They both suck

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*Dick gets third place and Steph gets fourth*

Dick: Oh would you look at that, I beat you for the sixth time

Steph: By one point!

Dick: Mhm, still counts though

Steph: …Your laptop is just good luck, let’s trade

Dick: No, I don’t wanna lose my streak?

Steph: Bitch what streak? This is the first time you got on the podium

Dick: Yeah and I don’t wanna ruin it

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Dick and Steph: *Furiously clicking away at their laptops, faces inches away from the screen*

Bruce: …Alfred, are Dick and Stephanie working on a case together? They seem very… passionate

Alfred, angling his own laptop slightly away: No, Master Bruce, I believe they are playing a new video game, of course I wouldn’t know much about that

Dick: HOW DOES BUTLER_NUMBER1 KEEP GETTING FIRST PLACE??

Tim, hanging up the call on his phone: I’ll call you back

Jason: Ooh, who are you calling?

Tim: None of your business

Jason: So you’re dating someone?

Tim: How did you get that from “none of your business”

Jason: I mean there are like two reasons for your secrecy: dating someone or planning something fun. I am choosing to believe that you’re dating someone because you wouldn’t plan something fun without me then not tell me, that’s just mean

Tim: Something fun as in destruction?

Jason, tossing a pen at him: Yeah, but don’t avoid the question

Tim: I’m not dating anyone. Drop it

Jason: Mmm no. I don’t believe you. Honesty is the best policy, Tim Tam

Tim: …Will you get out of my room if I tell you?

Jason: Maybe. I definitely won’t if you don’t tell me

Tim: Okay… Fine. But what I say doesn’t leave this room

Jason: I get to tell three people and nothing I say leaves the group of those three and us two

Tim: Absolutely not

Jason: Fine, you leave me no choice. *Starts walking around Tim’s room, picking up random things and dropping them on the floor* Wow, I love my room so much! And all my weird little things like… *picks up Tim’s phone* this projectile! If I remember correctly, it was made for being thrown out of windows

Tim: Jason, stop

Jason, getting on the bed and laying on top of Tim: Ahhh my nice, comfy bed! You know what? I will simply never leave this room

Tim, trying to push him off: Okay! Okay! I get it! You can tell three other people and no one else!

Jason, getting up: Good. And Roy doesn’t count for those three other people, I get to tell him anyway

Tim: …Fine

Jason, sitting crisscrossed on Tim’s bed: Okay, so who are you dating?

Tim: I’m not dating anyone… but… so I think I’m… I like guys and girls. I’m bi

Jason: …That’s the big news? Tim, hate to break it to you, but like ninety percent of us are bi, and the ones who aren’t bi are just straight up gay

Tim: Even Alfred?

Jason: Yeah, I think he was in a poly relationship with Martha and Thomas. So who was your gay awakening—or bi awakening, I guess

Tim: It’s Kon

Jason: Kon Kent? Superboy?

Tim: Yeah… but I think he’s straight, so—

Jason: Oh my God, it’s bad enough that you like a super, but then you think Kon of all people is straight?!

Tim: You’ve only spoken to him like three times, how would you know?!

Jason: Timantha, that guy is the epitome of bi-ness. Hell, I think the blue in his suit is the exact shade on the bi flag and the red is very similar to the pink on the flag

Tim: …So you think I should tell him?

Jason: Duh, but maybe bring some kryptonite just in case I turn out to be wrong and he says something douchey or homophobic

Tim, taking out a notepad: Kryptonite, got it. So how should I confess?

Jason: Let’s get some rose petals and candles

Tim: Aren’t rose petals flammable?

Jason: It’s romantic

Tim: Pretty sure fire isn’t romantic, but okay. What else?

Jason: We should get something sweet you’d both recognize as a token of your bond. Also, you should ask him out at night so the candles look nicer. Maybe outside, and we could get some cake and fireworks

Tim: Got it, but what should I do with the kryptonite? What if I put it in my pocket and then he pulls me into a hug or kiss and the kryptonite rubs against him and he passes out?

Jason: Hm… good point. We could get a chandelier made of kryptonite and hang it up high enough that he at least doesn’t notice if it affects him. I’ll like hold it up with a rope, and if he says something rude I’ll just drop it down on him. But just so we’re clear, “no” doesn’t count as something rude, he can say “no,” that’s one of the rights in the constitution I think

Tim: Yeah, that’s a good idea. I’ll make a subtle X with the roses where the chandelier would fall so we can have him stand there, and if he asks I’ll just tell him the chandelier is made of jade

Jason: Yeah. We’re great at this whole “romance” thing

Tim: We really are

Dick, listening in from outside the door: Aww, they’re bonding! Should I warn Kon, though? …Nah, he’s Superboy, he’ll be fine

Tim: So who are you going to tell?

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Bruce: *In the kitchen, pouring windex into a bowl*

Damian, walking in: Father, have you bought cupcakes for tomorrows event?

Bruce: Even better! I’m making some!

Damian: …Why? Are you attempting to get revenge on my classmates? What did they do? I have safer ideas for this revenge

Bruce: What? No! What’s so bad about me making some tasty cupcakes?

Damian: Father, everything is bad about you making cupcakes. Did Alfred not ban you from the kitchen years ago?

Bruce: I’ll admit that my last attempt didn’t go so well, but I’m trying a new recipe

Damian: I don’t believe it’s the recipe that’s the problem. The batter is bubbling

Bruce: That’s how you know it’s ready to form!

Damian: Form as in…?

Bruce: As it roll it into a cupcake shape and pop it in the oven, of course

Damian: I will go get Alfred

Bruce: Alfred’s away this week

Damian: Thomas, then. *Half runs off*

Stephanie, walking in: Hey, B. Whatcha doin’?

Bruce: Hm? Oh. I’m playing a trick on Damian and the other kids

Stephanie, sitting down: What’s the prank?

Bruce: Because they all believe that I am terrible at baking, I’m pretending to make horrific cupcakes and at the last moment before the taste test, I’m going to switch them out for delicious cupcakes I made last night

Stephanie: You made delicious cupcakes? I want proof

Bruce: Look, I’ll admit that I’m bad at cooking, but I can be quite the baker, just you wait

Stephanie: mmmm’kay I want in.

Bruce: Excellent

Stephanie: But first I want popcorn

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Duke, being dragged into the kitchen by Damian: Hey, B. What’s the spatula for?

Bruce: Well it’s about time to flip the cupcakes

Duke: Flip the… cupcakes?

Damian, whispering to Duke: I told you he’s a fool in the kitchen

Duke, whispering back: Yeah, yeah, I got that. *To Bruce* Why do you need to flip the cupcakes?

Bruce, giving Duke a look: To cook it all the way through. I can’t serve kids raw meat, that’d be dangerous

Stephanie, eating microwave popcorn: Yeah, Duke, that’d be dangerous

Damian: Brown, what are you doing here?

Stephanie: The WiFi’s off and this is prime entertainment

Duke: Bruce, hang on. What’d you mean “raw meat”? I thought you were making cupcakes

Bruce: I added some steak and bacon as some protein. I also made a vegetarian friendly version, though, where I substituted the meat for quinoa and some chopped up peppers

Damian: …I am feeling a twisted sense of curiosity

Stephanie: Don’t. I felt that same twisted sense of curiosity when I saw those lopsided cupcakes in the cabinet a month ago and look what happened!

Bruce, hands on his hips: Now I just need to make some frosting while that cooks. Do you think frosting involves ice? It must, right?

Duke: I… I’m not dealing with this right now, I’m just not *Walks off*

Stephanie: Yeah, frosting involves ice. Specifically dry ice

Bruce: I thought so. *Walks off*

Damian: Why are you encouraging this?

Stephanie: Like I said, this is prime entertainment

Damian: He’s going to try to serve it to children

Stephanie: You’re Robin, you can stop them from eating it. Consider it a stealth mission

Bruce: *Comes back with gloves and a bucket of dry ice*

Bruce: Alright, what else? …Probably the insides of some squishies for the texture and some crushed mentos for flavor, right?

Stephanie: Yeah, totally

Damian, taking out a paper and pen: Father, just how many creative liberties did you take while making these… “cupcakes”?

Bruce: Let’s see… there was the shrimp, pulp from the orange juice, a little bit of Elmer’s Glue for the texture, some cotton to get that soft, fluffy feel… the meats, of course, and some honey

Damian: *Drops the pen and walks away*

Bruce, calling after Damian: Go tell your siblings that taste testing is in half an hour!

Bruce: Well, I’d say this is going pretty well

Stephanie: I can already feel their blood pressures getting higher! *Demonic cackle*

Bruce: That’s the spirit! …I hope.

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**In the hospital**

Bruce, to Stephanie: Okay, the doctor prescribed some Advil for the stomach pain, but otherwise you should be fine

Stephanie, in a hospital bed with her arm in a cast: I can’t believe you broke my arm, Bruce. I thought I was your favorite Robin

Damian: Why is Stephanie the favorite?! She was only Robin for a month!

Stephanie: Yeah, ‘cause Bruce fired me ‘cause he wanted me to be safe. He hasn’t fired you ‘cause he doesn’t care

Damian: That’s not true! Father, that’s not true, is it?

Bruce: Of course not, I don’t have favorites. And Stephanie, I didn’t break your arm

Stephanie: Your cooking broke my arm and you were the cooker of your cooking so your cooking, done by you, the cooker, broke my arm

Bruce: Moving past the fact that that makes absolutely no sense, your arm is broken because you were flailing around on the floor

Stephanie: Because of your cooking

Bruce: Because of your reaction to my cooking

Stephanie: Are you blaming me after you broke my arm and probably my stomach?!

Bruce: Okay, the cupcakes weren’t that bad

Stephanie: Not that bad?! NOT THAT BAD?! IM IN THE HOSPITAL!

Bruce: For mostly unrelated reasons!

Stephanie: The doctor had to prescribe Advil for the stomach pain you put me through! And I’m probably benched ‘till my arm heals!

Damian: I got to skip the school event. Thank you for scaring Brown with your cooking, father

Bruce: You’re welcome, Damian. And Stephanie, you had stomach pain after eating at BatBurger and you didn’t stop. Besides, I’d bet anything that most of your stomach pain is because you ate all thirty cupcakes

Stephanie: … I’m not talking to you anymore.

Bruce: Alrighty then

**Complete silence**

Stephanie: Damian, tell Bruce I said this is all his fault

Damian: I am not a messenger

Stephanie: I’ll take you and Jon to a cat cafe next weekend

Damian: Father, this is all your fault. I will go call Jonathan now and inform him of the good news *Basically runs off*

Stephanie: See? Even your youngest child agrees

Bruce: I was not aware that you were willing to watch two preteen boys for multiple hours. I suppose I’ll have to inform Clark that you’re an option if either of us ever need a babysitter

Stephanie: …Just this once

Bruce: Hm. So will you be staying at the Manor during your recovery?

Stephanie: Fine, but only because Cass is there

Bruce: Of course

Tim, putting his phone down on his nightstand: What do you want?

Jason, flexing in front of Tim’s mirror: I look ripped as fuck

Tim: Don’t you have your own mirror?

Jason, ignoring him: These are what real abs look like, Tim

Tim: Okay? Why are you telling me this?

Jason: Just thought you should know, ‘cause you’ll never experience it yourself

Tim: Oh shut up; I work out

Jason, giving him a look: Sure

Tim: I worked out yesterday! You were there!

Jason: Ooh, what’s this? *Holds up a cup of pens*

Tim: They’re pens, you neanderthal

Jason: *Throws one of the pens at Tim*

Tim: Jason!

Jason: *Throws more pens*

Tim, getting out of bed: Give me that!

Jason, holding the cup of pens above Tim’s head: What’s the magic word?

Tim: …ALFRED!

Jason: *Drops the cup of pens, turns off the light, and leaves, slamming the door behind him*

Tim: …At least he closed the door

Dick: We have cupcakes? Give me one

Bruce: Not anymore, they’re all gone. All thirty of them

Stephanie, crossing her arms: Why does it matter? Just ask Alfred to make some more if you want some

Bruce: They’re not for me; they’re for Damian’s school event which is in… *checks his watch* twenty minutes

Dick: Maybe you can bring a bowl of candy or something

Tim, looking up from his phone: Oh, actually I took most of the candy to a thing with my friends

Jason, walking in and sitting down at the counter: Tim has friends?

Tim: Your best friends are basically hand-me-downs from Dick, I wouldn’t be talking

Jason, scowling: That’s—

Dick: Timmy, you sure you took all the candy? You didn’t leave any?

Tim: Uhhh, I think I left like three packs of Fruit Snacks

Dick: Okay, how many kids are in Damian’s class? Maybe they can split them?

Damian: I am not bringing fruit snacks to a school event. Have class, Grayson

Dick: Hey! Fruit Snacks are delicious and healthy!

Jason: Healthy? Fruit Snacks?

Dick: Yeah, the packaging says it uses real fruit and is 100% Vitamin C and 25% Vitamins A and E

Stephanie, whispering: There are vitamins called A and E? Is there a vitamin alphabet?

Damian: The fact that you have survived to adulthood is astounding

Bruce: We’re getting off topic. Who took the cupcakes? I won’t be mad

Stephanie: Why are you asking if you won’t be mad? Why do you need to know? Why’s it your business?

Bruce: I just want to know who’s brave enough to tell me the truth

Jason: We jump off of buildings and fight people who want us dead nightly, why are you questioning our bravery?

Tim: And slash or stupidity

Dick: Hang on, when did Alfred make cupcakes anyway? Hasn’t he been busy?

Bruce: Alfred didn’t make them, I made them.

Dick: You… made cupcakes?

Tim: Great, so all we have to do is see who dies of food poisoning within the next few hours and we have our culprit

Jason: I’m going to tell Alfred that Bruce used the kitchen again

Bruce: Hey! I followed a recipe this time and I barely took any creative liberties!

Dick: Barely? You barely took any “creative liberties”?

Damian: I believe the cupcakes going missing before this event was a blessing in disguise

Stephanie: Everyone shut up! I need to call my mom and tell her I love her

Bruce: So it was you!

Stephanie, gripping the counter: Not now, B, I’m having a crisis! *Gagging noises* I’m going to die! *Slowly loosens her grip on the counter and slinks down onto the floor, still gagging*

Bruce: Stephanie, you’ll be fine! The recipe had some good reviews

Dick: I’ll call Leslie!

Stephanie, from the kitchen floor: I SEE THE LIGHT!

Jason, running out: ALFRED!

Damian: Brown, you are looking at the ceiling light

Stephanie: God? That you?

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